Next steps

[chatterbug]

Aver you will be surprised on how much a hurt woman affects men. Keep moving forward on your wants. And fight for what you want. And what you do not want. Fight for it. Then give it up in trades.

Its a game now. And you have to step up win. Sorry for saying that. But thats what happens. I have faith in you. And i will be here no matter what. Good or bad.

[talia]

Aver,
I still vote fight!(like I get a vote )

I'm not sure that you will/ won't end up with your current house. I think the FIGHT will help you more than the results. Take a few steps in that direction and see what happens.

You always have - a very fabulous - fall back plan in building new.

You may end up with the rental property AND new. And remember - the lawyer is right that the affair doesn't factor in legally. But I think we all know that those character flaws do factor in on a subjective level.

Whatever you decide to do we all support you immensely, you are a pillar of strength right now!


(((aver)))

T

[flowmom]

Aver, just getting a feeling about your sitch here. Do I remember correctly that your home is still filled with your H's belongings? If so, I think you need to move all of it to outbuildings or something. If you're like me, you're very sensitive to your surroundings. As my H gradually removes his belongings and furniture from our home, my feeling in my home is shifting. Psychologically, having his stuff gave me the feeling that "he could move back in any day" even though I knew that there were huge barriers to that. I know I've posted that stuff is just stuff, but I'm also a believer in feng shui and I recognize that stuff has huge symbolic value. I think you need to be in that home without any of your H's stuff and feel the vibe of that.

Ignore me if this doesn't resonate with you! Sometimes my ramblings are just projections...

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
Wow! The new rebuild idea sounds really exciting! I don't know anything about VT law, but it's possible the fact that X left the house, hasn't lived there in what, 9 months or something, could count against him, M or no. Does L have an opinion on this?

Your L is aware of how much you want the house right? Do you think she's ready to fight for you?

The rebuild sounds awesome though. Could be another path unfolding before you!

I wonder how X will be able to show up at a town mtg. if he couldn't show up for his volunteer commitment knowing you'd be there. Yes, bring a posse and look fabulous. You are fierce!!

Thanks for stopping by my thread. (((Aver)))

[avermont]

Thanks all, and no, flowmom, I won't ignore you!

Thoughts:
If I do the tear-down/build--that feels very permanent. A big choice to stay, having put so much of myself into what would be a very special place.

And I might in a year or two, as this settles out, decide I do want something entirely different in work, life, place to live.

So perhaps better to buy a decent place that I can deal with, but not invest so much emotionally?

Came to this decision today: Deciding to buy a house in my town or the other town (call my town V and the other B) DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BIG SYMBOL!! Oooh, Aver STAYED in V to GRIN and BEAR IT!!!! or...oooh, Aver RAN AWAY to B because she couldn't hack it in V! It will just be whatever town offers the best house/living sitch.

Processed with my banker/facilitator friend: Found a $ amount that hopefully my heart/head/pride can live with:
1/2 equity (duh)
1/2 capital equipment (fridge, w/d, stove, lawnmower, all of which I paid half of, and would need to replace in a new house)
Cost of moving (not gonna load up all my friends' Suburus!)
Furnishings: dishes, some furniture, odds and ends of setting up a household.
AND--1/2 the rental income for 5 years.

The house is a boon to whomever gets it--the rents cover most of the cost of living there. It will be a huge financial loss to go from that to coughing up mortgage/taxes, etc., on my own.

So part of asking for much $ is possibility of buying a duplex so I have that rental income again.

I have a meeting with my L on Thursday and we'll look at "next steps."

RE: X's furniture. There's really not a lot I can do about it. There is a huge china cabinet; one table that I am using; the beautiful bookcases that he built last year (took all my books out). Coffee tablet that he made, that I use. I stuffed the smaller stuff into his closet. Bought my own couch, end tables, lamps. Re-arranged the study to allow the roomie (so great to have company!) to have a bedroom. The stuff really does not bother me. Last night I took all the pictures of us that I had just stuffed in a drawer, and burned them. Love having a woodstove! And I think I will just keep the frames and matting...one day I will have new great pictures to put in them.

Sorry, this post is too long to read. I will make another one.

[avermont]

Hi LFA--

No, sorry, without a M, it means nada zip zero that he hasn't lived there. Just a business, ma'm, just the facts, just to be awarded to the best candidate--and morals don't count. Just like 2 brothers fighting over the family farm--give it to the one who can best run the farm. Don't matter if one of them is a jerk.

I will ask my L on Thursday if she would give the same advice to X--avoid court, find a $ amount that I can accept, avoid court. We both leaped to the conclusion that X would be awarded the house by the assessors based on the work and planning he did on the house (oh, and he has drawings and renderings and everything) and the damn woodshop. I am wracking my brains to see what a neutral party would see in awarding the house to me. Now, if it were 3 WOMEN assessors, I might have a chance...but a guy? is just going to say--hey, it's a woodshop, filled with his dad's tools and beautiful cabinets that X built to store them...X clearly has need and use of that space...damn the damn thing!

Town meeting: oh, he'll go, alright. Don't forget he is Mr. Big Fish in our tiny little pond. All sorts of people to meet and greet. Will he take HER? that's the 64K$ question. But I am sure he will.

I am TRYING to gear myself up to go. I HAVE to face this. It is just like a giant boogyman waiting to jump out and get me. I want to get it over with! I will email some friends tonight to see who will be my posse, and then hold my head as I weep and drink afterwards.

I scheduled a haircut for Friday so that will be presentable; I have good outfits that fit snug but don't look overdone; that and some anti-anxiety and I can do it.

Expect big postings afterwards. Pray for me from 7-9 on Monday March 1st. Geez, this is almost as big a deal as CB's wedding party! No, CB, I know yours is a bigger deal. Give me the date and time and I will meditate on you.

[avermont]

Oh, and here is tonight's crisis that I am actually handling OK--

Here at work late, trying to get stuff done! Go to empty out my office mailbox--you know, those flat stacking trays.

Kee--rist--at the bottom--is a print out of X's "get out of the house" letter. HOLY SH**! I printed it out at some point and didn't pick it up! ANYONE of my co-workers could be the one who found it and discreetly put it under other papers.

I have not told a soul here at work what is going on. I guess by now (even without that letter) that they have figured it out. Hey, when someone loses 30 pounds and acts distracted and weird for 6 months, its either cancer or a break up. And I didn't lose my hair. So on to option 2.

One co-worker--whom I do love, and wish I felt like confiding in her--but I don't want this at work! did ask early on about the weight loss. Told her I had a GI problem. Another co-worker weasled the truth out of a mutual friend--which really pissed me off. I don't know why. But I can't stand that everytime M says: hi Aver! how's it going! all cheery that she KNOWS it sucks and I suck and everything sucks. So I have been avoiding her.

But anyhow--I saw the letter. I knew the cat was out of the bag. And I more or less said: oh, well, f**k it. Whatever. Gotta post this to my friends, but who the hell cares who knows...

I think that has to be a big step somewhere, right?

Sorry for so much ME ME ME tonight!

I will get some work done and check in on other threads!

[blownaway65]

Aver, getting it all out in public IS a big step, but not one you should be ashamed of. It's NOT you Fault.

I tiptoed round the issue at work for months, had heaps of people asking me what was the diet I was on. Couldn't really be telling them it's called the LBS Diet - you should try it now could I.

I told the people in the Department I work in and a couple of other close friends at work. There was no "Poor BA65" from any of them, which I found really great because it's NOT my fault and I have a job to do and a life to lead.

It actually made things a lot easier at work once people knew there was a reason I was acting wierd and distracted for so long.

Take care.

[courageous wife]

Aver- haven't visited you for awhile but had to comment on the wieghtloss! First off all, awesome! I am a hairstylist and so all of my clients have noticed my weightloss, 40bls now, and ask me what I am doing. My co-workers know my sitch so when I answer, oh, you know, just eating less...I always wonder what they are thinking! It is true afterall, I am eating less!

Will be thinking of you March 1st!!!

[avermont]

Thanks so much, CW. I will go check in on your thread.
Yeah, the LBS diet--it works every time!

I do hope I can keep it--keep building up muscle, keep running.

Blownaway, I just could not face co-workers knowing my sitch. In some ways we are very close, in some ways we keep our private lives PRIVATE. I figured as long as my supervisor wasn't pulling me aside to say: hey! get some work done! I was doing OK, and let them gossip.

I did consider shaving my head so they would go with the cancer option.

All my friend friends know, I just have this wall about work. But now the wall is down, they are keeping quiet, I will keep quiet.

Thanks again, all!