Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

At least he did text you. You said with his sleep apnea he doesn't sleep well so if he was getting some sleep, he really might now have heard the text. He did respond so that is good.

With the other stuff you really have to decide if you are going to let it go or not. IF you are going to let it go, then you have to let it go. If you are going to hold on to it and keep wondering then you really need to talk to him. If you just let it sit and think about it a lot, it will just get worse and worse until you end up saying something to him out of anger so just make sure you deal with it yourself so nothing comes up unexpectedly.

Hope the therapy went well.

[Lucky11too]

I know. It's just hard when you put yourself out there and you appear to be put off. He should have been up for his therapy, so he should have been able to respond earilier, but oh well, I just need to take it for what it is. So I hope he went to his therapy. He was no more communicative last night then he had been the rest of the weekend, so I guess she wasn't able to produce any life shattering changes in him. I was hoping that since he took her advice to come clean with me, she could use that to have him make other progress with me. I just feel so in the dark though. I really have no idea where his whole brain is in this. How is one to know at this point if he is really feeling the true love he used to have for me or am I just providing companionship for now. I'd like to believe that we are in the beginning stages of establishing a loving relationship, but it's hard to know. He probably doesn't even know. I'm tempted to ask him where he's at, but I know I need to be really careful not to be overpushy.

I'm thinking I am just going to wait and take it all in for now. Yes, take it all in b/c I don't want to be played for the fool of course, but on the other hand, I don't feel prepared enough yet to say anything about it to him. I won't let it eat at me b/c for one, I don't even know if I dealing with something outside yet. But like you said, if these things continue, I'll need to address them with him. I'm kind of wanting to wait too until he gets the sleep surgery done and can start thinking with a more rational mind again. I just don't know how long all that is going to take though...

So last news, I got a call from H's dr last night (not sure why they called me???) but his referral to the ENT got approved. I texted H to let him know and he said he would call today to make an appt. So we'll see how this all plays out....

[awest1217]

You seem to be doing well, and considering your busy schedule right now, it is probably not the best time to rock the boat. Waiting is ok. Things are going better and progress is being made so why not enjoy where you are at, especially until after tax season. Then let yourself have a little time to rejuvenate and re-evaluate.

If H does make the appointment with the ENT himself, that will be good because he is taking some steps. Overall not too bad, just a lot to think about and as you said, be aware.

[Lucky11too]

OMG, it's always something. H actually called to make an appointment today and then they tell him that they are no longer accepting our insurance. What!? H was furious about all this time wasted for nothing. I calm him down and since it's the insurance from my work, I tell him I'll look into it. I found another dr that should be decent for sleep apnea as well and called to confirm that they would take our insurance and then requested that our primary care dr update the referral. Boy, hope this all works out now! But now it's at least another 48 hours to get the new referral processed. I feel bad for H. I know how badly he wants to just feel better. With the exception of this exchange, he's just been so quiet and unresponsive. I texted him earlier just to see how his day was going (and to find out if he had made the appt yet) but he just responds with very close ended answers. Well, I'll just try to give him some space, but I hope he appreciates my help too!

[awest1217]

It could be a down time with the depression. Although the commercials about depression are a little over the top, they are true. Not wanting to be around people or interact all part of the depression so definitely could just be a down thing and not you. I hope you can get things worked out with the insurance so that he can get the help he needs. It is really good that he really wants this and is looking at this as a possible help. A definite change in his attitude compared to a few months ago.

Good luck!

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, if definitely could be related to the depression. It's always hard for me to tell when he's having a down time from his depression and when he's just being distant from me.

So it was a really super busy day yesterday. I'm in the finally stretch of all my tax stuff. I should have all my work completed by the end of this week/beginning of next week. Phew. So H update...on Tuesday night, I finally got a text later on that said "thank you for your help! I was so mad!" I really appreciated him thanking me, so that was good. Later on, right before I went to bed, H texted me that he was bored at work, so we texted back and forth a bit about S, etc. I texted him that at least he would have the next 3 nights off (and added in there that he would have time to spend with me, haha) and he joked back that "we could work something out". We ended with me saying good night and him saying "Can't wait to see you." Wow! Haven't heard that in a while.

So then, yesterday comes around. I don't hear from him all day, but when I go to pick up S,he's still there. It was great to see him and I'm glad he stuck around to see me, but he said he was going to go play pool, so we weren't going to hang out. Bummer. He did mention something to his mom about going to therapy on Monday, so he did go, but he hasn't said anything beyond that. I obviously don't want to ask how it went, otherwise I know him well enough to know that he will feel pressured to tell me and won't want to go anymore. So if he wants to share, great, if not, I just need to let him grow on his own personal journey... H looked good yesterday though. He said he felt good too b/c he had taken his vitamins, actually ate healthy, and got some of the best sleep he had gotten in a while. What a difference taking care of yourself makes! Hope he keeps it up! (these things always go in phases for him, but hopefully since he feels so well, he'll want to keep it up).

Last thing, I called H's dr to make sure she had updated the referral and the insurance lady there was so rude! Not only had she not done it yet, she was all mad that she had to change it and said she basically would get to it when she got to it. It was frustrating b/c it wasn't my fault that the dr changed their policies. So hopefully, she'll just take care of it, so we can get this done with! (I didn't tell H about this incident b/c he was already so mad about the whole situation. No need to spark another fire). So we'll see...

[awest1217]

I am glad H wanted to see you and is more and more opening up to seeing you more often. All little baby steps. I hope the insurance gets taken care of soon so H can get to the ENT.

Have a good Thursday and so happy for you that you are almost done with the tax stuff. Celebrate when you are done.

[Lucky11too]

H told his mom last night (while I was there) that he would come down & help her with S today. Just texted with him a bit and I guess his stomach was upset so he didn't come down (which means no seeing me either). It must be nice though when you don't feel good to just stay home and rest. Mother's never get a day off! So we were texting about his car tags and I was helping him get that taken care of. (his tags expired but then when he finally tried to pay it months later, he couldn't b/c he had past due parking tickets - you know, the kind of things that happen to our H's without us). haha. But I'm proud of him for finally trying to get a lot of these loose ends tied up finally. He's credit card bills are almost paid off, now these tags...making some real progress. Well, we'll see if he follows thru with it, but it's a start.

Back to my previous post, I know he had said he wanted to see me, but words are just words. It's great they he stuck around to see me yesterday, but then he still ended up picking playing pool over spending that time with me and S. Back to priorities, but I know, concentrate on the baby steps...

[awest1217]

IT is always hard when H doesn't follow through. HOpefully you can have a relaxing weekend. Get some extra sleep and if H is around spend some time with him. If not take the time to spend with S and some time for yourself to rest up.

[Lucky11too]

So, in good news, H did follow thru (got there a minute before they closed) but he did it, and got his tags all taken care of. Good for him.

Thursday night he didn't come down as I said earlier b/c he wasn't feeling good. Later that night he texted me that he was bored and too bad I had to go to bed early ("early" is subjective b/c I normally go to bed around 10, which is pretty normal for a full time working mom, who gets up at 5). I joke back that yeah, too bad work gets in the way. I ask him what he would want to do if I didn't have to get up for work in the morning and he replies that he would do whatever I would want to do. Uh, that's not really an answer, but I joke back with some ideas, but then I never heard back from him again. I find it so annoying when he just abandons a conversation like that. If he has to go somewhere at last say "got to go" or "good night". I don't really know what he was up to and it's hard not knowing. He mentioned something on Friday about having to go save his friend/co-worker (also OW1's old roommate) from a date with this creepy guy (H said he "owed her one" so that's why did that for her). He took her back to where she is living right now with another co-worker (this co-worker's house is also where OW1 has been staying when she comes down for her 3 days of work a week, but I don't know which days those are). I wonder if H was over there late (or out late somewhere), b/c he totally over slept for work the next morning and threw off the whole kitchen at the start of a very busy day. Needless to say, he's in a little bit of hot water over that! (but H can always talk his way out of anything).

So Friday night, we have been hanging out together the last few weeks, so I asked him what was up. He said they were super busy at work and didn't know what time he would be off. A while later he texts how he was so mad that he had to work late b/c he had wanted to come over early and have dinner with S and I. I just said that I was glad he was thinking about us and sorry it didn't work out. H finally gets off at 10 and we decide he should still come over and we'll watch some tv together. So that all worked out. After my previous dicussion about being exhausted between his and S's opposite sleep schedules, he actually went to bed with me at 12 and then amazing (a first for S), S slept until 7:30! I don't know what happened there, but it was awesome! I got sleep, and despite another bad night of sleep apnea, H got up around 11 and we were able to take S to brunch. So that was all good.

Some negatives. H said he wants to move out soon from his current place with his co-worker (yay!) but then he said that he wanted to move into another singe bedroom apartment near there (boo). I asked him what lease terms they have b/c I told him I wanted to continue to think positive in terms of us. He said that he would probably do a 6 month lease, but then went back to his old philosophy that he wasn't going to work things out with me completely until he gets his own sports bar (yes, that's his dream-to own his own sports bar). I didn't really know what to say to that so I let it go, but now I'm thinking, being realistic, that could be years. You just don't walk into your own place at 28! It amazes me that he would rather put our R on hold for money and continue to miss all of S's childhood. S already doesn't like him around. He would scream everytime H tried to hold him and took him hours for him to finally warm up to him. It seems like S views H as the dating intruder instead of the father that is suppose to be there in his home. Just looking from the outside, it's such a sad situation.

We also discussed our anniversary again. I asked him if he had thought anymore about what he wanted to do on Thursday and he played dumb, saying "what's thurday?". I just told him the date and he says, oh, we could do dinner or something, but no other anniversary things (no cards, gifts, etc). I say that was fine and he picked a restaurant, so I guess that's that. I decided not to plan a big evening after all b/c it obviously does not mean to him what it would mean to me, so it's better just to keep it simple.

It's just odd though. When he looks at me, I can almost see the love in his eyes again, but his actions and words are just hit and miss. I just feel like I could use some more verbal reassurances. I just want more of him then he is giving me. It's just so draining when you keep giving and giving, you just want to feel some of that love in return. I really don't know where I stand to him in this and that's hard. Trying to stay positive though...