So basically it seems to me that your H has extreme unrealistic expectations in about all areas of his life (money, marriage, operating a business, parenting) and you accommodate them? I guess I have to ask why. I can understand it to a degree but now that your H has left you why do you continue to accommodate them? IMO that is not co-parenting, it is still you doing all the work and allowing this behavior to continue.
The one thing I would really ask you to think about is how often you make excuses for your H based on his past. The fact he has had no positive role models or how HIS mom raised children. Your H is an adult and one eventually has to make the choice to leave the childhood issues behind or get the appropriate help to do so and your H never has. There are PLENTY of sources a grown man can go to find a positive male role model. There are PLENTY of sources your H can use to adopt a more modern and effective parenting style and contribution. There are PLENTY of sources your H can turn to for assistance in fathering a special needs child. He has chosen not to and there isn't a thing you can do about that EXCEPT not make excuses about his childhood/background.
That is exactly why I posted what I did about the bed issue. You once again tried to "help" your H with his sleep issues (which in fact are probably more an excuse and not so much an issue so he can avoid the difficult side of parenting such as the evening routine or your son's special needs). Your H has LEFT YOU, LEFT YOUR CHILDREN, put a tremendous financial strain for the umpteenth time on the family to get an apartment he can't afford and left you to deal with all the hard parts of parenting and you are *still* worried about his sleep issues? My guess is he is sleeping just fine in his quiet and child free apartment. Giving him the bed (even though he purchased another one for you) went far deeper than him just having a bed. It was *not* just about things.
I would maybe suggest you talk to your IC about learning to live in the present with present facts when it comes to your H. His past should not be allowed to wreak so much havoc on your life and the life of your children.
If you son is six years old it is very odd to me that it was only in recent weeks your H has done the bed time routine. It is very easy to be an involved father for the "fun stuff" but when it comes time to roll up their sleeves it is easy to cry "but I had a bad past... but I have sleep issues!". Don't tolerate it because IMO it is setting a precedent you will never be able to break. And, as much as you fret about your H not having a positive role model your son will be in the same position no matter how you try and shield him.
Your H was unable to support his family due to terrible financial decisions with a business he didn't seem equipped to run. It happens and it stinks but his shift work and being tired from it is not a sleep issue, it is a PERSON issue and a way for him to mask any accountability. And it keeps you thinking his past is to blame when in fact it is his inability to live in the present that is the real issue.
When you are ready I hope you begin to approach this with a stronger stance that is a bit less "new age" and more about building a much better future for yourself. Sometimes what view as progressive is really holding us back.
In a way you remind me of my former mother in law. She took on SO MUCH of the household tasks that really my father in law should have helped with. But no, my FIL was diabetic and she worried so she hauled cord and after cord of wood, shoveled snow, mowed the lawn and so on. It never dawned on her that my FIL easily could spend 8-10 hours on a golf course and be fine so certainly physical activity was ok for him. It never dawned on her my FIL was FINE to go on golf trips in the tropics and golf all day and party all night. But not in good enough shape to mow a small lawn? If she spent more time seeing things how they were and less time making excuses for his lack of contribution to the household tasks, well, her eyes would have been opened to how things really were.
