So basically it seems to me that your H has extreme unrealistic expectations in about all areas of his life (money, marriage, operating a business, parenting) and you accommodate them? I guess I have to ask why. I can understand it to a degree but now that your H has left you why do you continue to accommodate them? IMO that is not co-parenting, it is still you doing all the work and allowing this behavior to continue.
The one thing I would really ask you to think about is how often you make excuses for your H based on his past. The fact he has had no positive role models or how HIS mom raised children. Your H is an adult and one eventually has to make the choice to leave the childhood issues behind or get the appropriate help to do so and your H never has. There are PLENTY of sources a grown man can go to find a positive male role model. There are PLENTY of sources your H can use to adopt a more modern and effective parenting style and contribution. There are PLENTY of sources your H can turn to for assistance in fathering a special needs child. He has chosen not to and there isn't a thing you can do about that EXCEPT not make excuses about his childhood/background.
That is exactly why I posted what I did about the bed issue. You once again tried to "help" your H with his sleep issues (which in fact are probably more an excuse and not so much an issue so he can avoid the difficult side of parenting such as the evening routine or your son's special needs). Your H has LEFT YOU, LEFT YOUR CHILDREN, put a tremendous financial strain for the umpteenth time on the family to get an apartment he can't afford and left you to deal with all the hard parts of parenting and you are *still* worried about his sleep issues? My guess is he is sleeping just fine in his quiet and child free apartment. Giving him the bed (even though he purchased another one for you) went far deeper than him just having a bed. It was *not* just about things.
I would maybe suggest you talk to your IC about learning to live in the present with present facts when it comes to your H. His past should not be allowed to wreak so much havoc on your life and the life of your children.
If you son is six years old it is very odd to me that it was only in recent weeks your H has done the bed time routine. It is very easy to be an involved father for the "fun stuff" but when it comes time to roll up their sleeves it is easy to cry "but I had a bad past... but I have sleep issues!". Don't tolerate it because IMO it is setting a precedent you will never be able to break. And, as much as you fret about your H not having a positive role model your son will be in the same position no matter how you try and shield him.
Your H was unable to support his family due to terrible financial decisions with a business he didn't seem equipped to run. It happens and it stinks but his shift work and being tired from it is not a sleep issue, it is a PERSON issue and a way for him to mask any accountability. And it keeps you thinking his past is to blame when in fact it is his inability to live in the present that is the real issue.
When you are ready I hope you begin to approach this with a stronger stance that is a bit less "new age" and more about building a much better future for yourself. Sometimes what view as progressive is really holding us back.
In a way you remind me of my former mother in law. She took on SO MUCH of the household tasks that really my father in law should have helped with. But no, my FIL was diabetic and she worried so she hauled cord and after cord of wood, shoveled snow, mowed the lawn and so on. It never dawned on her that my FIL easily could spend 8-10 hours on a golf course and be fine so certainly physical activity was ok for him. It never dawned on her my FIL was FINE to go on golf trips in the tropics and golf all day and party all night. But not in good enough shape to mow a small lawn? If she spent more time seeing things how they were and less time making excuses for his lack of contribution to the household tasks, well, her eyes would have been opened to how things really were.
so is Flowmom supposed to confront her H about the parenting issues and demand him to help more, or what?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
No, Flowmom has to do what SHE thinks is best. Since this site is not an archival source but one that operates in "real time" I simply was stating my POV.
Confronting her H will do no good as he seems to lack the emotional maturity to really understand WHY it is an issue. And that is not something she can help him with. But IMO the constant making of excuses for him (his past, his sleep issues) is not something that is helping HER. And right now it is all about HER.
It is a VERY hard pill to swallow but sometimes the WAS is simply a jerk. A childish, immature, emotionally stunted jerk who stomps their feet when things don't pan out as expected. And sometimes there really *is* a problem. Either scenario belong to Flo's H, not Flo so the constant trying to "figure it out" is not good IMO (which is simply that and certainly nothing more).
I keep struggling between trying to understand my H and decide if he just turned into a jerk too. I know I've had the feeling that there is no way that a guy who acts and conducts himself how he seems to be now would have gotten a second date out of me in the past. Question is: is this temporary?
There are legitimate, diagnosable mood problems in the world. There are also life crises and pre-existing relationship problems. But when the rubber hits the road, is how and the speed with which you handle these things maturely more a character issue? I just don't know.
No doubt there are life crises and pre-existing conditions as well as true disorders (in a medical sense) to deal with. I don't think there is a person on this board that hasn't dealt with ONE of those things to some degree.
In the immediate aftermath it is hard to judge but once some time is passed IMO it is a character issue (be it laziness, arrogance, fear and so on).
I guess part of the reason I find Flo's H behavior BEYOND appalling is many of his issues happened to me and I certainly did not behave like he did.
I am sorry (VERY sorry) to hear that Flo's H has health problems and that he *may* need dialysis in the next few years. I also have an incurable disease that could shut down my kidneys at *any* given moment and I won't get the luxury of knowing a time frame. I learned of this disease SIX days after my dad died. You sack up and deal with it. You see a health crises counselor, you join a support group, you do *something* other than act like an ass and wreak havoc on the family YOU CHOSE TO CREATE!
I have never heard of a grown man that had so many sleep issues and did nothing about it! It is just crazy to me and the more I read about it the more my stomach turns! And once again he was ALLOWED to wreak havoc on his family for an issue that is (A) IMO more of an excuse and (B) something that does have remedies if you are willing to put in the effort.
As per Flo's posting this has gone on for YEARS! Many people live with medical problems and the death of their parents under horrible circumstances (um, I do!) and not behave like Flo's H does. It's ridiculous.
Either get help, find the appropriate support or deal with it but all this BS, well, it is for the birds IMO.
CG, I'm reading what you've written with as open a mind as I can muster.
I guess my thoughts are:
In the past few years, H has shown poor judgement and been a selfish jerk to me in some ways. He's also been a wonderful father and he's busted his a$$ to provide for his family.
If you want to talk about the present, H is doing what he can to minimize the impact of the separation on me and the children, and doing a much better job than many WAH fathers are doing from what I've read here on the forum. While racked with guilt, H is still being as honourable as possible given his choice to leave.
Have his poor behaviours been consistent with the clinical depression that he has had? IMO, yes. Do I make excuses for him? I guess I do, because I know that his mind is not well. I know that he is detached from the reality that others see. Understanding and acceptance have been necessary for my mental health. I really have had no control over him or his choices. Some people will just do what they want to do and you can take it or leave it. I chose to take it because I love him, because he did not violate my core boundaries, and because he is the father of my children.
Is the man who I still love with all my heart still inside the shell that H hides in? I don't know and you're right to challenge me to consider the possibility that H's character has irreversibly changed for the worse.
With two children in common however, there is no future for me without H being a huge part of it. I owe it to myself, to the love of my life, and to my children to figure out if being happily married is a possibility for us.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
S6 and I were in conflict because I asked him not to serve himself milk at bedtime and he did anyway and spilled it all over the place and managed to hurt himself.
S6: <crying> "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel sad most days...I often feel sad"
This is so out of character for my little boy, who never talks about his feelings .
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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