Well I've had quite the venting day, haven't I? sorry - just ignore rantings...
Guess who called sweet as pie with his tail between his legs tonight owning his stuff, apologizing, offering to go grocery shopping for us (hasnt done since the bomb)? Well this stuff of setting boundaries is starting to take effect. I'm still going to keep a biiiiiig space. Need to protect S and self. I handled this amazingly well.
THANK YOU TO ALL YOU AMAZING, NON JUDGEMENTAL LOVING PEOPLE for being there. How can I ever repay you?
H4L, gosh it's been a "heavy" few days for you. You are handling it so well. You must be feeling pretty raw. I think that you are doing the right thing: stepping back rather than putting yourself at his mercy. I'm rooting for you, and learning a lot from what you share.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I can't believe I have journalled my deepest secrets in here and you all read and followed me. I thank you for not judging me and for all your fantastic advice, concern, relating, and perspective. I'm humbled by the amount of time and heart you put into reading and responding to my posts. Please accept my deepest gratitude.
I do feel like the last few days have molded me into something new. It all started with the baiting thing and getting to a point where darn it, I can walk if my self respect boundaries are not crossed. I wasn't like that a month ago.
I am at a crossroads, and you have all helped me along this journey - carried me at times. I will be forever grateful.
I came on these boards trying to get my H back, I'm finding I'm getting myself back.
Aww, sweetie, you're the one doing all the hard work.
Years ago when I was here the first time, after about 6 months or so I figured out the DBing isn't really about saving your M. Sure, there's some good advice on how to stop killing it further, but we're lured in here by the hope we can make everything all better.
IMO, DBing is really about saving yourself. How to make yourself a better person and being part of a community here where the people understand your pain and give their advice, friendship, support, and shoulders for as long as you need them for whichever road you chose--whether you continue standing or whether you chose to move on at some point.
I know you think you're near a point where you might have to make a decision, but I think you might be looking at the wrong decision. Or at least looking at it in the wrong way.
I think your "decision" should actually be a realization that you need to detach yourself from him. Whether you still want him as a H or not shouldn't change your behavior or actions towards him. Like continuing to not take his bait, changing up how you interact with him like texting him instead when he ignores you talking, etc. because whatever happens, you're going to have to have some sort of relationship with him because of your son and ideally you'd like those interactions to be as pleasant as possible, right?
So, since any "decision" isn't going to change what you're doing, you don't really need to decide a yes or no as to your future with him. You can simply decide to leave it up to fate, God, Puxatawney Phil, or the Loch Ness Monster for now. To keep evolving and working on yourself and what you *can* control and letting go of what you can't control.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H4L - wow you have gone through a ton lately. You are strong, be proud of that. You are yet another inspiration for many of us that are also struggling
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
You are all so great. Everyone keeps complimenting me on how well I'm doing - why do I feel like crap? lol I guess because I'm not running from the truth - but the truth still hurts.
Woke up this morning to H offering for me to come to his apt. to scan the documents for the legal separation - I couldn't get my old scanner running last night. Still a baby step. Never ever have I been invited there - and I got the chance to say no! 180 - I think my tendency would have jumped at any chance to be with him, but I thought after yesterday morning blowing up at me over those same papers? No thanks - I scanned them at my dad's instead and just emailed them over. It felt good to be the one invited and to say no for once.
However I'm probably fooling myself. He probably was exhibiting control freak nature - he wanted to hover and make sure it was right. But in the name of PMA I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt so I thanked him for his support. He didn't yell and criticise, after all.
I still got to say no. Felt good. Feels good to know he's not here today too -
To keep evolving and working on yourself and what you *can* control and letting go of what you can't control.