I only plan on telling my H "when you are done with OW and agree to NC we can talk" this tonight if he tries to bring up M or D talk. He hasn't tried to bring these up for last 2 nights. I think if I just blurt this out, he will take it as me attacking him. What does everyone think about that? Say it no matter what or wait for him to start the M or D talk?
I think you know your H better than we do. Since he is going to a therapy appt. on Thursday, that might motivate him to bring up talk about your M. So waiting isn't the end of the world. All that waiting does is prolong your present state, you know?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I would bring home a mountain of cardboard boxes adn start packing... Not say a word, let my actions speak for me... he WILL ask.. and when he pursues THEN you tell him
I need to get myself and these children away from this affair to protect our family from this woman. I want my marriage, and my weddding ring will remain on my finger. I am fully committed to a marriage, but I cannot live here exposed to an affair. I CAN be a wife and a mother elsewhere in a place the OW is NOT attacking our home... I hope one day you chose to join your family and protect us from her.
Allen, did you read that she is not going to move out right now?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
The thing is, he doens't realize he's attacking or hurting his family... he still thinks he's just stuck choosing between two women...
Ya, i would never attack him with that.. I WOULD start packing in order to make a statement, that's usually enough to prompt a WS into a question/invitation to fight
Putting away wedding photos, photos of family and chilren.. HIDING that in a box is taking that sense of HOME away from WS... they will feel the pressure.. and that's all without moving out...
They just have to sit there and watch their home slowly get dismantled and packed into a box.. and be told they will no longer be a part of that.
I woudl also tell him when his chidlren reach the age of 16 they WILL be told about his affair and how earnestly their mother worked to keep their marriage in tact... and that their father just sat and watched it happen...
I would make sure he knows his children will eventually see him as a deadbeat runout... he KNOWS he won't be able to keep that info from them.. he can only lie to cover it up...
I'm confused on wether I should not say anything until after he has had his IC appt, which is on Thursday (my bday of all days).
Should I just lay low for the next couple of days, and not talk to him at all?
Then after Thursday wait for him to bring up M or D, then I can say the thing about NC with OW?
Can't do anything about boxing stuff up right now, that is just to much for me to even think of right now. With my work and school schedule, I just can't do that right now.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would coordinate WITH the FT on the ultimatims. This affair-bsuting is giong to ahve a LOT more impact if yu are organized and keep in contact wiht the FT... work WITH them rather than separately... the two of you together can fight your husband and his affair much better than the two of you alone...
AND if you try to do this independent of a good FT, you may do something counterproductive to their efforts.. if you have someone workting WITH you to fight for your marriage, you REALLY need to keep in close contact with them and compare notes carefully so you aren't stepping on toes or UNDOING someone else's had work...
COMMUNICATE with ANY and ALL people working actively to support your marriage... ORGANIZE them like a family... dont' do this in a tunnel w/o knowing what the FT is working or what angle she's taking with your H.. its just shooting blind..
I mentioned this before... KNOW EXACTLY what your FT's affair busting strategy is so you are both working in teh same direction and are not at odds... you could end up undoing each other's hard work... you really need to TALK to this FT and know what they thinkand where they are going.. and HOW they are planning to get there...
What is their marriage saving plan? how do you fit into that? This stuff is what you need to know before you approach yoru husband with ultimatims like this... I woudl even want to know that before my H went in to meet her...
Dont' work in a tunnel... it is at high risk of being counterproductive ...
