Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[newmama]

Hi, just lurking...but wanted to say that perhaps your H is wanting to reconcile because he has finally experienced "rock bottom." ??? I am inspired to read that your reconciliation did not come the way it seems like it should (in the movies, etc.)

As for you sounding "demanding," a tricky part for BOTH of you is probably getting used to not thinking "independently" as you merge your lives again, don't you think?

Stay positive...remember MWD emphasizes keeping hopeful when wanting a relationship to work! I look forward to following your thread/life!

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Trixi

Hope you dont mind me chipping in!

My reconciliation wasnt exactly all hunky dory lovey wovey.. H came back and kept staying longer and longer, even had a raging tantrum one day and went home and came back again a whole five hour round trip!

Its not how it happens or why that is important its the how you go about it from now on.. were financially a bit stuck at the moment but we are keeping as individual as possible but joint as well.. once we are financially secure again we can make the changes we wanted to make, but they are talked about as in the things for the future..

Ok so its not all hearts and roses and at the beginning I wondered if letting H siddle back in again was the right thing but he is gradually coming up trumps day by day so who knows

Anyway good luck hope you sort things out between you.

[dday101798]

Hi Trixi,

My (x)W's "coming to" was not an all blissful, brids singing in the distnace, running across the prarie patch gazing in each other's eyes' event either. But it has grown to a point that it feels that way.

She the same, came out of nowhere, althought we were nowhere near as close as giving each other foot messages, in fact, the only massages that involved feet, would be one of us "messageing" the other's rear end with our feet in a not so loving way.

And then, all of the sudden, a truce was called, and she did the same, wanted to talk. Threw all of lifes challenges she'd been facing out there, professed her feelings for me and all. We too said, take it slow and see where it goes.

Well, merely half the time into what we said would be acceptable to live together again, we've been staying together, granted to get through problems with the kdis who are much younger than yours, but none the less, looking at getting a home and the whole nine yards.

And all it took was that one moment to wake up. So I too am not a firm believer in things "building" to something grand at the beginning. Some get that, some don't. You just take what you can get.

But, also keep your defenses up and let him know they are up. The rest comes like it did way back when, naturally.

[BobbiJo]

Don't know if you are a Christian, not that it really matters, but you asked whether God would really use 'bad' things for 'good' purposes.

I would just say look at the Prodigal Son story. The son walked away from his father, taking his inheritance $$ with him.

Yep he lived it up pretty good, food, wine, women, etc.

Guess what? He didn't have an epiphany one day, "Gee, I am eating,drinking, enjoying the ladies, I should probably go back home to my father's house."

Nope didn't work that way.

It wasn't until he was literally eating slop with the pigs that he realized, he had it pretty good at Dad's place.

So yes, it would be preferable in our fantasies if they came running for no particular reason except their undying love and devotion. But it doesn't always happen like that!

OK just my first reaction to what you wrote.

[Trixi]

@newmama -- yeah, that is probably going to be the hardest thing (stopping the independent thinking). Our first year of marriage was a real power struggle as we figured out how to merge.
I now wish more than ever, that we had made it to the conflict resolution post-retrouvaille session. We are going to have a lot to negotiate.

@Lost Rabbit- chip in all you want!! I am actually feeling better to read all your comments. It helps galvanize my resolve that I am going to make this work.

@dday101798--I love the running across the prairie visual! ROFL!My H and I actually DO give each other foot massages and have this whole time. I think that is why I have always felt so confused by him. We clearly didn't hate each other.

@BBJ- yep, I'm Christian and the prodigal son was a good reminder.

Today was tough because my daughter is still missing and is doing really bad things. I have a couple more leads to try to follow, but after that, I'm stumped. She is hanging with hard core drug users and in fact, is clearly addicted herself because they are 'nice' enough to let her stay and crash and then she steals from them. I know that that person is not my "real" daughter. My H and I hope to find her just to say that we know what she has done and is doing, and we love her and if she wants to go to rehab, we'll get her there. After that, there isn't anything we can do. But first I need to find her.

My H talked to his boss and it looks like he has a couple more months at the job plus what sounds like a nice severance package. He has already put feelers out.

My landlord called today to talk about me buying the house. I explained the sitch and asked for a week to figure out if I am really and truly moving back in with my H. I mentioned it to my H and he said we can discuss logistics a little later. What's funny is that last week I had mentally decided I *was* going to buy this house, that I didn't care what I had to do to buy it, I was going to find a way and that was that! and within a few days it's all flipped around. crazy.

I am so used to him changing his mind I am nervous about feeling hopeful... His demeanor has changed, though. He is more willing to commit to when he is coming over. It feels like he is more "here". And tonight, when we were hanging up, he said "I love you". He hasn't closed a phone convo in that way, in for-ev-er!

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, you sound very busy, but a very good book is "I Do Again." It talks about a seemingly perfect marriage that was ripped apart by a WAW. It took her two years to realize she did love and miss her H, but then it took another five years to convince him to remarry her. For the longest time, he'd have none of it.

It's written in sections by each so you can see what was going on in their heads.

[Trixi]

CTH-yeah, actually I read that book and then (for whatever reason) loaned it to him. Oh how I cried as I read it!

Last night H came over, but then after being here for an hour, had to spend the next 4 hours dealing with a work issue. (BOOO!)

For a brief moment he told them he had to step away from the phone. We wolfed down the (now) overdone dinner. And very briefly talked about how we are both very scared. The good- he said that this time he was actually trying. The bad-because if he tried and it didn't work, he would know he tried.
WTF?

I just said "well, given that you couldn't "get away" from me while lacking a commitment, I am confident that with a commitment we will be fine. It's going to be tough and we have some serious challenges ahead of us, but we can do it."

Found out that for sure my/our daughter is doing super hardcore drugs. Unfortunately, the last "lead" that confirmed what she was using hasn't seen her for a few weeks and didn't know where she went but had heard she was "up and down" the worst street in town.The worst part is that since she has cut ALL of us out of her life (friends and family) even if I can find her, I don't know what leverage to use. We already don't see her, don't give her money, etc. So, if she refuses rehab, what would be any different for her? Nothing.

AND-MS specialist finally talked to my stepson. She said she is very worried because the MS is progressing very quickly and she kind of wants to just skip to the strongest drug- but it could kill him. So, we are all going to meet with her at beginning of April to discuss options.

Still weighing heavy is H's impending job loss. He is starting to freak out.

My fear: I'm afraid that once all the crisises(sp?) pass, he will leave again when he doesn't "need" me.

I don't even know how to get over that; especially since he is still in "babystep mode" and hasn't said he is in it forever.

[dday101798]

I don't even know how to get over that; especially since he is still in "babystep mode"

In all fairness, at least in as far as (x)W and I have come, your step will always be one's made in caution, but out of respect for each other as you know what you have lost before and fear to lose again.

[Dom R]

Hi Agen.. I mean "Trixi"

Had a feeling I should check up on you again.. very glad I did

I'm very happy(in a way. sorry about the tough stuff) that you have this opportunity.

Make no mistake: this is only an opportunity, not healing.
It only becomes healing, if you make the most of this opportunity.

Here's my opinion of it:
You are worried about "what if he leaves again when he doesnt 'need' you".
I think you wont have to worry about it, if you do the right things now.
Be a firm, upstanding woman of integrity and no nonsense. Accept no excuses. Do basically exactly what you've been doing recently: the "Well, Fred has to go!" attitude that you had

You have a short time, to get things in the right direction. a VERY short time. I would guestimate less than a week.
And I mean EVERYTHING, between you and your husband.
Living arangements, commitments, priorities. EVERYTHING.
Do not wait for retrouvaille, fix things now, as best you can.
If you wanna go to that also, fine, but dont wait to fix things until then.


After a week, the shock will wear off a bit, and he will probably be back in evaluation mode, and he will take stock of where things are, for the first time.
And if he likes it, he'll keep going for a while. and then in a month or so, he'll take stock again.
If he decides then, that he's still reasonably happy with how things are... then I think you will have a truely committed man at long last.

So... dont hold back. Now is not the time for "building up to something". No more babysteps. This is it, do or die. Go for it!
You need to tell HIM that too, flat out. Now or never.
If he wont step up now, he never will.

Did you notice how when you finally put your foot down, and said "jump", he said "how high"? That's what you've been missing! Go with it!!!


PS: optional step, for extra credit:
Shake his world.. forget about being a booty call for him, hanging around when he feels like it.. tell him to get his butt over and make you happy. It's all about YOU tonight

[Trixi]

You need to tell HIM that too, flat out. Now or never.
If he wont step up now, he never will.

Thanks for checking in! I feel daft-- I mean, I get it in theory, but not in practice. Like say "Dude, it's been a week now, we need to make decisions..now!" He asked for me to give him some time and not pressure him since he already feels overwhelmed by everything....

What sort of stepping up to do you mean?

What would that look like??