Can any one give any insight as to when the LBS knows the time is right as it would appear if you get it wrong they can withdraw further for longer?
I think mirroring the MLC'er is the best thing to do. Try to let them set the pace. You need to stick with the lessons that you have already learned previously in the crisis but if your gut tells you the time is right a "little leading is ok"
Libbyasking, I have been reading this situation and I think you need to be very careful. I don't think your H has been in this anywhere near long enough to be coming out, in fact, I think he has a long way to go. Its not unusual for the WAS to make contact and keep more contact after they break up with the OP. Be very careful, they often do this to keep you hanging as a safety net, as they do get a bit scared. Go about your business and live your life, he's not done yet.
I have no expectations at the moment as he is ping ponging all over the place.
When he visits the children this week I will be out all evening so won't see him. I am also planning the same next week to prevent myself getting dragged back into the dance.
You are right about the contact increasing as he has text and rung me numerous times today.
At the moment I am not sure that OW has completely gone. She appears to be lurking on the periphery!
Can any one give any insight as to when the LBS knows the time is right as it would appear if you get it wrong they can withdraw further for longer?
Your intuition is the best indication of when you need to start bringing him along. You're involved, I am not. Although I can advise from what you post, and I read...without being there; I cannot advise you in a straightforward fashion.
Wait and Watch is used a lot during this time...and no one person is the same about coming forward, do more of what works, less of what doesn't; easy does it...remembering each person's journey is not the same..and at the same time take care of yourself and your journey.
OP is entirely correct with his assessment of "mirroring" you husband's behavior.
I promise; you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt when the time is right...the answers are there; you just have to access them within yourself and most importantly, learn to trust yourself.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
At the moment I am not sure that OW has completely gone. She appears to be lurking on the periphery!
All the more reason to go on AS IF he's not in your life...all the while just waiting and watching...as long as OW is anywhere in the vicinity, there's no chance of the two of you trying to come back together.
IF he falls into the trap of OW again...everything, (the whole OW Withdrawal phase) starts BACK over when he makes the attempt to come forward once again after breaking it off with OW AGAIN, no matter if it is the SAME OW or a different one.
It would be like watching the scene of a movie playing over and over again several times or forever.
And though I would be friendly and speak to him...I don't think I would trust him for now for quite awhile, even after OW exits the picture completely, and you WILL know when she's gone.
Sounds like he's pursuing you, but be careful of becoming a "safety net" and allowing the cycle of going back and forth to start up. You don't need that.
I hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am concerned about being a safety net for him. I do try to remain detached although it is so difficult attimes.
I have had no contact today with him after the flurry of texts over 48 hours.
A mutual friend met him yesterday for the first time since May and was shocked how ill and depressed he looked. He thnked her for supporting me and then discussed some of his childhood identifying areas where he was angry. My friend said she had never seen him so angry and she has known us 20 years. He talked about his parents and brother. He also discussed his brothers ex W and said how angry he was that she had left and his brother had never really recovered, and that she had no right to do this and make him so unhappy! His B has been divorced for 16 years after she left for another man.
I was surprised he said all this to her.
H is coming tomorrow to seee the children and I have been invited out when he is at home, so I won't see him this week.
Simply by paying attention to what's going on. If you KNOW the OW is in the picture, back away from him; don't be as accessible to him, things like that. Dance the dance for awhile to make him wonder what's going on with you. Get on with your life AS IF he's not in it; staying just out of reach of him. He'll close the gap when he's ready.
He might eventually ask you what's wrong, or he might not; depends upon how deep he's within his thought life, etc. You'll know when and if you need to confront him about OW, LA. If you see him clearly bouncing between you and her.
If she is fading from the picture, be friendly but vague, like, sometimes take his calls and sometimes not. You do NOT have to always answer his text messages unless it's life or death.
I take it he is supposed to be beginning to deal with OW withdrawal? Detach and distance from that. Don't get sucked up into his drama...it's not something you need to bring down your PMA.
As long as the OW was in the picture, I refused to have anything to do with my husband, and girl, I was angry about it. I told him to get rid of her; shouting like a possessed woman! LOL! And he knew I was angry! It was a couple of months after the bomb dropped on me; I was headed for a nervous breakdown and it seemed that OW was TOO much for me at that point in time.
It didn't look at first as if my husband was getting that I meant what I said, though the OW was supposedly "hidden" from me and he was trying to get rid of her, denying her existence to me....yet, she was pursuing the heck out of him, and I KNEW what was going on.
I just didn't want to be involved in a triangular affair of any sort, nor did I want to be used until another came along(which didn't happen, but I didn't know that). I nearly lost my marriage because of that confrontation....but I was SO angry..and STILL had to deal with him going through OW Withdrawal..the time he had to have to get her out of his head and heart. I won't kid you, I HATED him with every fiber of my being...and his anger was something to behold.
Don't let your husband put you into that kind of situation; it's detrimental to your self-respect; and you'll know when it happens..and I really hope it doesn't. I'm hoping OW will fade on out of the picture, and your husband will begin to deal with the withdrawal symptoms, getting past those, and hopefully begin connecting with you once again.
I hope this helps you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Just an update on where we are at the moment in the tunnel of the unknown.
Over the past week the occasional text I have had from H have been more friendly, longer and softer.
He came this week to see the children as normal and what a difference. I thought he was reconnecting once before and in fact it was more of a touch and go although he did continue to make connections with friends and extended family.
This week he looked really well not grey, drawn and old as previously. He had a sparkle in his eye I haven't seen for months even before he left for OW. When we had supper he smiled and even made small jokes which we all laughed at! He spent a lot of time with the children talking and taking an interest in what they were doing. More than previously. D19 said it was like having her dad back again after the alien.
He also looked as if he was more comfortable at home as he had already identified previously that he found coming home very stressful and it caused him a lot of anxiety. He wandered around the kids bedrooms where they were doing homework etc. Previously he rarely went to them upstairs. When he did it was usually to say goodbye when he left.
I will have to watch and wait now and see what happens. His communication is still not good. He goes days without any communication at all. I will continue to let him have space to heal whilst detaching from his journey for myself.
Libby, Sounds like his depression is lifting just a bit at a time. Communication is difficult for them and it will take time for him to talk more freely.
I think you are very wise in allowing him to have his space and time w/no pressure from you. Continue doing what you are doing and keep your expectations at zero.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
