I agree w/ you 100%. The prob here is W has said that she's unhappy in our M and that she is doing what she wants to be happy.
Everyone is supporting her in this- it is UNREAL. I am not abusive, we're only yelled at oneanother 1 time in 6 years and she tells them the same lies she tells me- I am the only one who was able to uncover the truth.
I am fighting w/ both hands tied behind my back. I feel like there is really nothing that can be done- the people I know can't keep their mouths shut and W's friends are exclusively W's friends.
At this point W is sick of the stress- I believe that I am in denial of the fact that my M is over
The 60's and 70's anti-institutional movements did a lot of damage to the covenant of marriage. We are still feelign those effects even 40 years later. There's even a small movement in the last five to ten years to bring some of the exploratory marriage practices of the 70's back.. this all makes me sick.
I would do what you can to educate your mutual friends... particularly people who were at your WEDDING..
Tell them "you were at our wedding. We are still married.. how you can ALLOW this MAN into your home.. this man is attacking my marriage... I am NOT asking for you to get involved if that is uncomfortable for you.. I am just asking you to ACKNOWLEDGE my MARRIAGE until I am divorced please.. and you do this by NOT being involved iwht OM or my wife at all ..."
perfect logic. asking for respect and acknoledgement.
I will do what I can. At this point I am not communicating w/ W anymore. I cannot deal w/ it anymore. I saw her for 1 hour last night- we got along OK, first time I saw her in over a week.
This is the most painful part of the affair... when you find out not only your wife has betrayed you, but people whom you thought to be friends of the marriage turn on you AND the marriage as well... It really is a testament to how uneducated and how immature adults can be.
Your wife is a talented politician that is clear. And the classic "I just want to be happy" is a classic excuse for an affair.
I would inform whomever you can that you want both of you to be happy, but you aren't goign to CHEAT on her to find that... And again ask them to at LEAST supoprt your marriage as far as NOT accepting the OM into their lives. Many are willing to do this I find... they won't speak UP on your behalf, but if you ask them to OPT OUT of the drama, many are willing to do this, but you have to ASK them... otherwise they will just do what your wife wants...
If you feel it may have impact you can approach the OM, its not a tactic I often reccomend, but if everything else fails, this won't hurt.... you simply ask him to STEP ASIDE and respect your marriage... tell him if HE was married you certailny woudl'nt be attacking HIS marriage... most often this results in laughter, but if you have nothing left, this has a small chance of impact...
I would save that as a last effort though... unless you can do it in public.. THAT can have an effect... show up at a party you wife brings him to and ask him in PUBLIC to stay away from your wife "please".. respect my marriage and respect my wife and I and our marriage by STAYING AWAY from her...
If you do this in public, it humiliates him... THIS can have impact...
SHAME can resonate even in the most callous of people...
These are all excuses for not committing to a marriage covenant. These are classics... the best way to combat them is to EXPOSE their falsity... if you are speaking to mutual friends tell them outright... "sure I want you two to be happy to, but if one of you starts lying and cheating behind the other's back, I am NOT going to support that, its NOT happiness you are pursuing when you cheat, its excitement"...
many people confuse excitement for happiness... this is the case here..
If these people she is politicking with were at your wedding, i would use that angle...
Make it clear you are still in the game and bring the problem HOME to these people.. ask tehm
Joe, if you came to me and introduced me to a woman you were seeing and your wife mary was miserable, I would REFUSE to have anything to do with that... and I would invite both YOU and mary to go to family therapy... THAT is what I would do for yout wo because I was at YORU wedding.. and I want to respect not just the two of you, but your commitment as well, even if one of you decides to stray from that commitment... My wife isnt' pursuing happiness, she's chasing excitement... it will come to reality eventually... I would LIKE you to at LEAST respect my marriage in sofar as to NOT get involved with her Or OM ... this man does NOT respect a wedding ring, and he isnt' respecting HER... please at least support me that far... as I woudl do for you
Make it clear you are giogn to family therapy as well... show them you are mature and committed... the mroe mature and committed things you do, the more crazy she looks... the probelm is I suspect most of these people are in their 20's or early 30's... people of that age don't understand what marriage IS... It takes over ten years to learn what "WE" means... these guys are likley too young to get that...
You are absolutely right about the age demographics. The oldest one is OM at 41 and already divorced.
W feels a connection for that- his M lasted 2 years as well and he was the one that sought D.
It is amazing- I am the only one left in this and the only one w/ the faintest hope, respect, or reason to be proud of my M.
The other problem is the recovery crowen (I am also in recovery) they are all so in to personal happiness and integrity- hense they tell me a M takes 2 and you are just one.
These young people will invariably run into the same poblems... One thing you will learn from this mess is that respect for your OWN marriage, starts with respect for the marrigaes of OTHERS...
If they don't care about yours enough, they won't care about their own enough... and when that happens an affair isnt' too far in the distant future...
People who support affairs eventually cheat and fly or are cheated ON... its inevitable...
The OM pursued divorce because he doesn't have respect for marriage... his own nor for yours... he's clearly still in a childlike predator state and hasn't made a grown up commitment to community.. children like this are a serious threat to the stability of a community...
I honeslty believe they belong in jail... they are no better than burglars or vandals...
He didn't fight for his own marriage he isnt' going to pursue youw wife long term when things get ugly there either.. he WILL run again... marriage takes work.. u ntil you realize that and roll up your sleeves, you really haven't made an honest commitment yet... the wedding and the I Do's are just that... a ceremony... the REAL covenant comes years later when someone wants out...
