You are NEVER hopeless....I can see what I used to be in you; but where you are an introvert, I'm an extrovert.
I'm glad your feelings weren't hurt by what I was saying.
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HB - I don't know that I'm afraid of my H, just afraid of doing the wrong thing, or being responsible for pushing him to the point of D----because for me, I don't see him ever coming back to me if that happens. I fear his anger, because it is so NOT him---and it scares me to think this is who he has become. It is so hard to see, and so hard to feel---coming from the man I've loved for 30 years, and who I BELIEVED with all my heart would be there for me forever. This is the man that D13 recently reminded me saves turtles that are crossing the road (and believe me it took all I had to not say---yeah, a turtle, but HELLO!!!). The man that I believe even today would cross a raging river to save a stranger (he did save a stranger from a burning car and has a list 100 miles long of things he has done for people out of the kindness of his heart)----but I don't know that he would do that for ME today. AND it hurts. It hurts, because I still love him
I can understand what you're saying VERY well...I can guarantee you when mine was there, he wouldn't have peed on me if I'd been on fire(stupid analogy but fitting).
I had to face these things one by one, and when you love, it hurts...but love is a choice..and reality has to be faced...and in the end it's you that makes the choices that govern your life.
Bear in mind that quite a few people do all the 'right' things and say the 'right' things...and their marriage STILL goes bottom side up..doesn't mean they did something wrong...it simply meant their spouse didn't choose to continue with them.
Does that make anyone a failure? NO!
On the other hand, however your fear is rooted, it needs to be worked through; as you don't have anything to lose by losing that. But the fear is definitely there, and must be come to terms with.
When we do things to people it has everything to do with us and nothing to do with the person we did it to. And when the MLC'er does things to us, it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with us.
That's the MLC Monster Mash....it's THEM against US, and it's a sane/insane race to the finish line, and the prize, such as it, is unknown until the race is finished...if it ever does finish..that's the chance you take when you choose to wait.
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I know, you will say that it doesn't matter what I do/say that this is all on him----and part of me believes that, but then there's another part of me----the part of me that's the first to admit to the mistakes I made in the M----that has to believe that I should share the blame and have the responsibility to fix this. However, I know I can't do it on my own----and H has actually said "I (meaning him) don't have what it takes to fix this," and "I don't want to fix this."
This is the part of YOUR journey to wholeness, as you're looking at what you did to contribute, and fix what's within YOU that needs fixing. That's actually SEPARATE from what he's facing. I'm not saying you didn't have your part in the breakdown in the marriage; I'm just saying he's NOT looking at that right now...and you think he is.
If you could communicate with him at this moment, you might be surprised at what he would say if he could talk about it....and it would have NOTHING to do with your marriage or even your life together.
I promise you; he's at a time and place that existed BEFORE he met you...how I know that, I don't know..but I'm certain of that. He's not talking about anything, and he's not going to. When you didn't understand and had pushed him, he told you that stuff to get you off his back, and to justify his behavior.
He's talked so much crazy stuff; you've had a hard time keeping with him...so, continue to back off, work on yourself...like you say, save the needy for the board..vent when you need to...and I see that you do this, already.
Hang in there, keep learning about yourself, and you're doing fine.. You just have a need to understand..and we all have that going on within all of us.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
