Hopeless feelings

[Vulcanized]

Yesterday I had a friend knock some since into me. Stop being nice to him, he is just playing you and you are letting him. At first I was mad at her, but then it hit me that she was right just like all of you have been telling me. It's time for me to stand up for myself, and not let this a$$ walk all over me anymore.

Yup. Somebody else (can't remember who, sorry) said in their thread "What's he gonna do, divorce me?". That's brilliant; that's the crux of it all. Being docile, servile, trying to appease WAS doesn't work. On top of that, LBS takes a big ego-shredding made far worse by doing/saying things that subjugate their self-esteem. I know that I felt a whole hell of a lot better once I started standing up to H. H already claiming he's gonna D me, if he does, he's not getting my dignity & self-respect in the settlement.

The NC hasn't been working very well, with work, school, and kids I can't really go hide out at my safe place. However, I suddenly feel stronger then I ever have during this whole thing. I've been so worried about ignoring him and making sure I was really nice to him. And get this, telling him I believe that he is just friends with OW. I'm done doing that.

This was the e-mail I sent H. during week 4 of NC, a few days before XMas. I didn't get any response, which I expected. The parts in bold may give you an idea of what to say to your H. My H, like yours was giving the b.s. 'just friends' speech. I didn't even want to try to say this in person b/c every time I had previously, H lied, I got angry, battle erupted.

I felt it necessary to state the obvious to him; I knew he was lying, wasn't going to ditch OW and most importantly, I decided that this is how it has to be. On my end, of course. He still is picking OW over M. The only change now is that he's canned 'just friends' and uses 'marriage over; none of your business'. It's 2 months later, I'm still not his W, and after next week, I'm in an apt. Haven't told him where. He has idea of neighborhood, but that's it.

FWIW, ignoring my H sure seems to get message thru to him. I suspect this could be universal phenomena here!

I appreciate you respecting my wishes in regard to minimal contact. As mentioned before, I can not and will not have a relationship with you while you are involved with an outside party [i.e, committing adultery]. It is extremely disrespectful to both me personally, and the marriage, to have a 3rd party involved in the marriage.

I have been extremely cooperative with you. I have not done anything rash, spiteful or vindictive. I've done nothing 'stupid' (your words) or reactive in regard to your adulterous relationship. I am unwilling and unable to be in an open marriage or with someone who allows an outside party to interfere with / influence the marriage.

Your choice is your prerogative, and I have no desire to stand in your way. As I've said before, I will respond in the same manner in which you treat me. The choice is entirely yours as to how to proceed.

I will see him tonight after school. If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that" and "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk". PLEASE advice on this?

I would keep it short and sweet. Your H. has chosen OW. Let him have her. H. needs to have the full brunt of his bad decision making thrust upon him. If he tries to talk about R/M, I would say something to the effect of 'There is no M/R to speak of'. Bring the convo right back to the reason of his visit, his children.

I need to re-read to see ages of your kids. My sitch is easier b/c there aren't any kids involved so I don't feel comfortable offering any advice there.

I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.

I thought he filed last month? Not to mention, just b/c he filed doesn't mean 'game over'.