flowmom, I agree, I kept busy most of the night so that helped. However, when it is time for bed, the sadness starts. Officially day 1 of NC and so far today none either all though it's early still. I don't plan on contacting him today, so we'll see if he try's to contact me.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Good weekend with no drama. Last night H asked me to set him up an appt for IC. He told me he has so much anger that he can't see any of our past happy times. And when he trys too, instead he can only see the bad times. He said he is confused and lost and feels whatever decision he makes, D or M, he will regret it.
The only reason I agreed to do this for him, is because I have the insurance and have access during the day to make this appt for him and he doesn't.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
maynard2121, Thanks, I think so too. I just hate how wishy washy he is. One day he wants to try to work on the M and the next he's done. Maybe the IC will help him work through these issues.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
They talked for 20 min on Friday, 60 min on Saturday, 10 min on Sunday, and all with my H calling her. Usually it has been the other way around with OW calling him. The exposure of the A on her side seems to have brought them closer together
I don't know how much more of this I can take!!!! He is still claiming that they are just friends to everyone else including me. I feel like such a fool with them talking like that and me still wanting to work on the M.
I did pretty good at GAL this weekend and had a ton of fun. But I have bday coming up this Thursday, and I'm not sure I'm up for celebrating. Sorry just a really depressing day.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I don't know how much more of this I can take!!!! He is still claiming that they are just friends to everyone else including me. I feel like such a fool with them talking like that and me still wanting to work on the M.
I know how you feel. My H is pulling the same bull$hit 'just friends' speech, and unfortunately, to his/our friends I'm the one that is crazy. The fact that he can actually look me in the face and say that to me is amazing.
And every time he has a meltdown on me, he calls her for a hour afterwards. And like you, I feel like a fu^%ing fool for trying to save this disaster of a M.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I did pretty good at GAL this weekend and had a ton of fun. But I have bday coming up this Thursday, and I'm not sure I'm up for celebrating. Sorry just a really depressing day.
That's great that you had a fun weekend! Try to do something special for yourself for your b-d. Don't let anyone else wreck your personal new year.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Ruined, Thank you for sharing, I feel the same way. He talked to her a ton yesterday and even called his lawyer and then called her right after. I hate this whole mess.
Yesterday I had a friend knock some since into me. Stop being nice to him, he is just playing you and you are letting him. At first I was mad at her, but then it hit me that she was right just like all of you have been telling me. It's time for me to stand up for myself, and not let this a$$ walk all over me anymore.
The NC hasn't been working very well, with work, school, and kids I can't really go hide out at my safe place. However, I suddenly feel stronger then I ever have during this whole thing. I've been so worried about ignoring him and making sure I was really nice to him. And get this, telling him I believe that he is just friends with OW. I'm done doing that. I will see him tonight after school. If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that" and "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk". PLEASE advice on this?
I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Yesterday I had a friend knock some since into me. Stop being nice to him, he is just playing you and you are letting him. At first I was mad at her, but then it hit me that she was right just like all of you have been telling me. It's time for me to stand up for myself, and not let this a$$ walk all over me anymore.
Yup. Somebody else (can't remember who, sorry) said in their thread "What's he gonna do, divorce me?". That's brilliant; that's the crux of it all. Being docile, servile, trying to appease WAS doesn't work. On top of that, LBS takes a big ego-shredding made far worse by doing/saying things that subjugate their self-esteem. I know that I felt a whole hell of a lot better once I started standing up to H. H already claiming he's gonna D me, if he does, he's not getting my dignity & self-respect in the settlement.
Originally Posted By: mb28
The NC hasn't been working very well, with work, school, and kids I can't really go hide out at my safe place. However, I suddenly feel stronger then I ever have during this whole thing. I've been so worried about ignoring him and making sure I was really nice to him. And get this, telling him I believe that he is just friends with OW. I'm done doing that.
This was the e-mail I sent H. during week 4 of NC, a few days before XMas. I didn't get any response, which I expected. The parts in bold may give you an idea of what to say to your H. My H, like yours was giving the b.s. 'just friends' speech. I didn't even want to try to say this in person b/c every time I had previously, H lied, I got angry, battle erupted.
I felt it necessary to state the obvious to him; I knew he was lying, wasn't going to ditch OW and most importantly, I decided that this is how it has to be. On my end, of course. He still is picking OW over M. The only change now is that he's canned 'just friends' and uses 'marriage over; none of your business'. It's 2 months later, I'm still not his W, and after next week, I'm in an apt. Haven't told him where. He has idea of neighborhood, but that's it.
FWIW, ignoring my H sure seems to get message thru to him. I suspect this could be universal phenomena here!
Originally Posted By: Ruined to H
I appreciate you respecting my wishes in regard to minimal contact. As mentioned before, I can not and will not have a relationship with you while you are involved with an outside party [i.e, committing adultery]. It is extremely disrespectful to both me personally, and the marriage, to have a 3rd party involved in the marriage.
I have been extremely cooperative with you. I have not done anything rash, spiteful or vindictive. I've done nothing 'stupid' (your words) or reactive in regard to your adulterous relationship. I am unwilling and unable to be in an open marriage or with someone who allows an outside party to interfere with / influence the marriage.
Your choice is your prerogative, and I have no desire to stand in your way. As I've said before, I will respond in the same manner in which you treat me. The choice is entirely yours as to how to proceed.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I will see him tonight after school. If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that" and "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk". PLEASE advice on this?
I would keep it short and sweet. Your H. has chosen OW. Let him have her. H. needs to have the full brunt of his bad decision making thrust upon him. If he tries to talk about R/M, I would say something to the effect of 'There is no M/R to speak of'. Bring the convo right back to the reason of his visit, his children.
I need to re-read to see ages of your kids. My sitch is easier b/c there aren't any kids involved so I don't feel comfortable offering any advice there.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.
I thought he filed last month? Not to mention, just b/c he filed doesn't mean 'game over'.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Ruined, I thought he had filed too, but he just hired a L and had paper work drawn to be ready to file.
My fear of D and being alone has stopped me from being strong and standing up for myself. I think I'm finally ready to say enough is enough with him. I still don't want D, however if that is what he chooses, I know I will be ok.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
And like you, I feel like a fu^%ing fool for trying to save this disaster of a M. 
