I believe in gathering good intel, and when it confirms an affair, CALL IT SUCH.
In the absence of that, I think it's important to let the wayward spouse know that even if it's "just" an "inappropriate relationship," that it is STILL entirely UNACCEPTABLE to put a "friend" before your spouse.
Again this is Penny Tuppy's advice... she calls it Protection Phase.... she has no qualms about abaondoning a poisoned home to protect yourself and your children from an abusive and selfish affair...
It sends a VERY powerful message :
You want her, this is what you have... HER, and ONLY her...
An empty house, dust, scattered boxes and untended lawn... the DEAFENING SILENCE of the damage an affair does to a HOME.. it gives him a GLIMPSE of his FUTURE...
Why would you NOT PLAY that card? Think really hard on how poweful an impact that migth have and tell me honeslty if that isn't a heavy hitter...
IN MY HOME it was the MOST powerful thing I did.. pack up and make arrangements to live elsewhere while ALL the TIME protesting the affair and expressing my desire to PROTECT us and OUR relationship from the affair.... powerful stuff...
I believe in gathering good intel, and when it confirms an affair, CALL IT SUCH.
In the absence of that, I think it's important to let the wayward spouse know that even if it's "just" an "inappropriate relationship," that it is STILL entirely UNACCEPTABLE to put a "friend" before your spouse.
I think the phone records are enough to prove its not just friends... I honeslty feel that mates do not NEED to resort to evidence or logic, that there's a shorthand there.. they KNOW the truth and argument indignifies thier companionship.
I would just play it like
----- I'm your wife. I KNOW. You are NOT fooling me, your children, or anyone. If you aren't man enough to be FULLY HONEST about what you are doing when you walk out that door then do NOT talk to me... there is NO POINT in us talking if you are going to lie.. so LEAVE until you are man enough to tell the truth -----
This says a few things
1. Lies are not tolerated 2. Lies are not believed to be true 3. Lies hurt your family 4. Lies are childish 5. Lies and communication cannot happen in the same exchange.. 6. Tell the truth or don't talk to me at all
Provided one clears it with their atty first, to make sure there are no "abandonment" legal implications, I LIKE IT.
I especially like it if the family is well-off financially. Too often, I see where a cheating spouse sets themselves up in quite the swinging bachelor/bachelorette pad, with all shiny new things, while the betrayed spouse stays behind with the unmatching dishes and glasses, the old sheets and bedspreads and furniture, etc.
This is the thing, you CAN take your WS's HOME away from them... by LEAVING... take clothes, allt he personal posessions... photo albums, cute stuff, all the emotional stuff... REMOVE IT.
THIS is SHOWING the spouse what they WANT.. giving them a glimpse of it.. saying "you dont want this.. OK, this is what you are getting instead..."
You can TAKE the spouses rug right out from under them.. that security, the smell and feel of a home.. remove it and watch the damage on their end...
A silent home is deafening.. it truly is... empty the home of all life, and tell them its the OW, or your home back.... and stand firm on it.
The problem is, throwing the spouse OUT does NOT have this impact, they still have a home, they just get a vacation from it... it doens't bother them really... they KNOW they can return ANY TIME and are WELCOME... How is this constructive in busting an affair?
Don't throw them out, take their HOME away. Rip the rug right out from under them and tell them they can't have their cake and eat it too...
Show them they dont' DESERVE a home while they are cheating, and that until they start playing fair, they don't HAVE a home anymore... TIME OUT
The thing is, you REALLY need to protest the affair and stress FIRMLY that you WANT your marriage, show your ring and tell them its NOT leaving your finger, but That they can't have the affair AND the marriage... take thier HOME away until they start to play nice again...
I prefer something like "Etiher YOU are done with her, OR WE are done with YOU"
All I know from my sitch is I gave the ultimatum TWICE and...here I am still waiting for him to end the A.
So I think Puppy's approved message of
Quote:
"when you are done with OW and agree to NC we can talk"
does a good job of 1) setting a boundary (no talk until then) 2) not sounding like mb will divorce or will wait...just leaves it open but still sending the message that this is not okay 3) gives mb control
ultimatums can backfire if the BS won't follow through on the Divorce/separation, etc. (blushing as I know )
however...IF it is legal, I think the above message combined with leaving the house could make a great impact! I know I said she should keep staying there, but you are right- that is more on emotional principle than good strategy. Also, it would be easier to not have to pack and move...
Originally, at 7 months pregnant, I was going to find an apartment and leave. But was talked out of it by friends and family who said "you are PREGNANT! Why should YOU leave?" But I think he would have moved in with OW anyway! So it didn't make a difference. Oops, just sharing.
Last edited by newmama; 02/23/1007:39 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I can't leave the house right now. I'm going to be working 55 hours a week for the next 7 weeks, plus I go to school full-time. The stress of my sitch alone with those to issues, there is NO way I can pack up and leave right now. I've already told him that he can have the house, I don't want it. He wanted the easy way out, which was for me to have everything including all the responsibility to pay for it all. In the last few weeks I have decided that I don't want the house, it's to big and way to much work. The kids and I will be much happier in a smaller place. However, this will have to wait until work slows down.
I only plan on telling my H "when you are done with OW and agree to NC we can talk" this tonight if he tries to bring up M or D talk. He hasn't tried to bring these up for last 2 nights. I think if I just blurt this out, he will take it as me attacking him. What does everyone think about that? Say it no matter what or wait for him to start the M or D talk?
I'm telling you, this scares the hell out of me to finally say this to him. Since he hired the L, I have enabled him because I didn't want him to push for D harder. However, I know it's time for me to face this fear and just do it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
When you resort to emotional principle, you are resorting to your WS's tools - impulse as good judgement
If you sit back and imagine the empty home... the WS walks in, deafened by silence and empty space... unmowed lawns, old broken toys laying about on the floor left behind... empty GAPS on teh floor where items were taken away... man, it just goes right for the throat...
AND it shows a powerful message to the public... that man's cheating drove a woman AND her chidlren out of their home... appaling!
If a AS leaevs nad the other spouse moves in anyways, it just shows their character...
I strongly believe a big part of affair busting is a deep exploration of the integrity of your mate... its a deep inquiry into who they are inside... what they are made of... they will eventually RISE or FALL... and either way you will be teh winner, you will have them back, or you will know you did the right thing by extracting them from your life and those of your children... its a win win
