Ring On or Ring Off????

[ddstartingover]

Thanks Kat - I do WAY better in the snow than I used to. I need new tires or 4WD----I live on a very hilly, very narrow rural highway----so, yes, I am chicken, but somewhat justified---no one drives on it without 4WD when it's bad.

I am not a "self confident" person. I am an introvert, I know that and with everything else going on, this has been very hard on ME and what I think of ME. I am working on that and have made progress, but know I have more to go. I post about what I'm doing for me (and solicit ideas for that) on my other thread.

HB - I don't know that I'm afraid of my H, just afraid of doing the wrong thing, or being responsible for pushing him to the point of D----because for me, I don't see him ever coming back to me if that happens. I fear his anger, because it is so NOT him---and it scares me to think this is who he has become. It is so hard to see, and so hard to feel---coming from the man I've loved for 30 years, and who I BELIEVED with all my heart would be there for me forever. This is the man that D13 recently reminded me saves turtles that are crossing the road (and believe me it took all I had to not say---yeah, a turtle, but HELLO!!!). The man that I believe even today would cross a raging river to save a stranger (he did save a stranger from a burning car and has a list 100 miles long of things he has done for people out of the kindness of his heart)----but I don't know that he would do that for ME today. AND it hurts. It hurts, because I still love him.

I know, you will say that it doesn't matter what I do/say that this is all on him----and part of me believes that, but then there's another part of me----the part of me that's the first to admit to the mistakes I made in the M----that has to believe that I should share the blame and have the responsibility to fix this. However, I know I can't do it on my own----and H has actually said "I (meaning him) don't have what it takes to fix this," and "I don't want to fix this."

Whatever it is that my H is going through, in his eyes, is rooted in our marriage. It is impossible for me to not believe that I should shoulder part of the blame. I guess one more huge character flaw that I have.

I honestly don't know what he sees when he sees me or my reactions. He doesn't appear to give much attention to me any more----unless he's flashing his look of anger. I do, however try my very best to only appear positive around him. I save my neediness for "here."

For now, I do accept, and fully believe that there is only ONE thing I can change in life, and that's me-----and I am committed to make a better me for ME, because this has made me learn that I'm the only one that I can count on to be there forever----and the only one that I need to be happy with in the end.