I was planning to go to school part time and continue with my full time job. The classes that I am looking at are on line. I will probably hold off on this though since it is such a hot topic for her and going would just stir up the pot. The reality is that I need to start standing up for myself to some degree. I need to decided what I want to do, I just do not want to be an ass about it and since she is in the state that she is in I really do think that I need to think about myself a bit; however, therin lies my issue. I was very selfish during the M and so a 180 would be to not be selfish. I need to really sort this out.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You know I do not want to be selfish but I have no choice right now. This is my struggle. I want to change and I am in this for the long haul but I do need to protect myself and my kids from what she may decided to do in the state of mind that she is in.
And this, Eric, is the catch22.
Define selfish...
See how you were selfish before and why...
Be very honest with yourself. Your motivations.
Then compare that, how you were selfish in the past, to how you feel selfish now.
What is the difference?
In taking care of ourselves, we are all a little bit selfish, but it is necessary.
Dr. Phil (oh I can't believe I am doing this) tells mothers who always put their children and others first, that the best way to take care of someone, is to take care of yourself first.
IMO, selfish is expecting to be waited on hand and foot without doing anything in return.
It is constantly and always, giving of yourself, without giving TO yourself, and then complaining and becoming the martyr.
It is demanding that your needs be met, without any concern for meeting someone else's needs in the way that they need you to do it.
It is not knowing how you need your needs to be met, or even necessarily what your own needs are, and then getting upset because someone doesn't meet them.
It is giving and doing, only with an expected outcome.
That is selfish.
What is not selfish...
Giving your MLC spouse space, while you work on yourself, because at this point in time, that is the need that she needs met, even if it doesn't "feel" right to you, is not selfish.
However, sitting and waiting only, doing nothing to make yourself better, is selfish.
Recognizing your own needs and meeting them yourself, even if that means saying "hey, I need an hour of silence, make a hot dog if you are hungry, cuz I'm going to take a bath (or whatever)" to your kids and returning to them refreshed and rejuvinated, is not selfish.
If going to school is going to serve you, what you want and need, make you a happier healthier Eric in the long run, then it is not selfish. Unless it is going to take so much time away from your other activities (like fatherhood), that it disrupts everyone's lives.
Taking responsibility for your own life and happiness, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you, is not selfish.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
hang in there buddy. I'm right there with you... this is a terrible place to be.
one thing I wanted to tell you that I am realizing a little bit, and perhaps I'm being naive, but the manipulation thing. If your wife is indeed in MLC, like I'm pretty sure mine is, the manipulation is not intentional... it is not meant with malicious intent. They have no idea what they are doing.
Only now am I realizing the pain that she was in-- though the pain she was in was causing me, and continues to cause me great pain-- if you can start to come at it from the side of compassion (again, very hard while you are hurting)... sometimes it helps.
and the side effect is she will notice it.
I am not good at it. I have found ways to shoot myself in the foot every time I'm around her. I was making good progress but it wasn't enough for me-- and I ruined it with R talks, pressure, jealousy... saying "you want me or not"... things like that. You want the pain to end. But in the end I do not want a divorce... and I want to know I gave it everything I got.
the things I'm working on are not being so anti-social. My wife was my connection to the world... now without her I'm fairly alone-- realizing that my antisocial tendencies are a major problem that I have. I want friends when I want them... that is not what being a real friend is.
I'm also working on being a better dad. this is tough given the circumstances... but I will continue to try. I want to make sure those guys know that they are the #1 priority since they do not right now...
but it hurts like nothing else... worst thing I've ever been through.
Bradley - thank you for your response and words of comfort. I know you know how I feel.
quote]Only now am I realizing the pain that she was in-- though the pain she was in was causing me, and continues to cause me great pain-- if you can start to come at it from the side of compassion (again, very hard while you are hurting)... sometimes it helps. and the side effect is she will notice it. [/quote]
I know that I need to understand what she is going thru. I really saw her pain (portrayed as anger of course) in our last interaction. I fall into the same trap as you (it is not good enough for me). The one thing that I am realizing is that trying to get her to see the new me and reconsider this is somewhat disrespectfull for what she feels and what she is going thru. I have been at this for 6 months and am not making the type of progress that I would like.
Quote:
My wife was my connection to the world... now without her I'm fairly alone--
Boy do I know how you feel. Almost all of my friends were mutual friends who have now sided with her. I have had to distance myself, which has left me pretty damn lonely. I have thought about meeting someone but I know deep down inside of me that that is running away from my problem. I'm still working on creating new friendships but it is tough.
Quote:
I'm also working on being a better dad.
This is my NUMBER 1 priority right now although I do think that I may be pressing a little. I'm trying to find the right balance between time for me and time for them. I'm getting close.
Quote:
but it hurts like nothing else... worst thing I've ever been through.
I could not agree more. This is pain that I have never felt before. But I know that from this pain I will emerge a stronger and better person. The biggest issues for me is patience. This is a long process and for an inpatient control freak a very tough one.
Once again, thanks for your response. Feel free to look me up on the alt.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Cat - you alway know just the right way to phrase things. You know I've given the school thing a lot of thought and although it is something that I would like, it would take away from my time with the kiddie and just add to the issues that I am facing right now. In addition, it sends the wrong message to W. One of her comments in our last convo was how she sacrificed for me so that I could move up the corporate ladder and now that she is doing it, I decide to go to school. She actually has a point here. For now I'll do the research, get the facts and then figure out what I will do.
God Bless.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
IMO, selfish is expecting to be waited on hand and foot without doing anything in return.
It is constantly and always, giving of yourself, without giving TO yourself, and then complaining and becoming the martyr.
It is demanding that your needs be met, without any concern for meeting someone else's needs in the way that they need you to do it.
It is not knowing how you need your needs to be met, or even necessarily what your own needs are, and then getting upset because someone doesn't meet them.
It is giving and doing, only with an expected outcome.
That is selfish.
What is not selfish...
Giving your MLC spouse space, while you work on yourself, because at this point in time, that is the need that she needs met, even if it doesn't "feel" right to you, is not selfish.
However, sitting and waiting only, doing nothing to make yourself better, is selfish.
Recognizing your own needs and meeting them yourself, even if that means saying "hey, I need an hour of silence, make a hot dog if you are hungry, cuz I'm going to take a bath (or whatever)" to your kids and returning to them refreshed and rejuvinated, is not selfish.
Excellent, Cat !!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
While school would be taking away from time with the kids....wouldn't it also be a positive role model for them? Wouldn't it be better for theirs and your futures?
Once again...Do YOU want to back to school? Will it be a progressive step in your development of as a part of society?
