I do think some specific instances of his anger are worsened by our lack of communication, and with kids and finances involved, I can't go completely NC. Would it do ME some good, definitely. But----it would also do me some good to not have to deal with him at ALL right now.
Not necessarily, you give yourself too much credit for his anger; you're still blaming yourself...STOP!! You don't "cause" people to have a reactions to you, even in MLC, they CHOOSE their reactions.
The anger in MLC is something that NO ONE causes; as it is contained within THEM. That's what makes it the hardest to understand..it's not 'caused' by anything external, but internal..within themselves
You could do everything right..and he would STILL be angry.
I gather from your posts that you are somewhat afraid of him and the anger he projects...get past that fear, detaching and distancing yourself from his drama...you're having to deal with him in the situations you mention..but you're allowing his anger to affect you...and it shouldn't.
What's the worst thing you think he can do to you?
If he sees your fear, and I guarantee you he does, he plays on that as they get some sort of sick glee out of seeing fear in our eyes. And he seems to be even angrier...but that is NOT your fault; and you never caused what's happening in him.
I showed fear one time, and my husband got such a kick out of it, I was determined NOT to ever let him see me shake in fear again. It made me ANGRY that he was laughing up his sleeve, and staying angry to keep me afraid; that was not only mean, but it was ABUSIVE. My point is, some of it they ARE aware of, some is subconscious workings..and they don't really know what they are doing. It was HARD for me to get past that....I was terrified of the look in his eyes, fearing he'd turn violent on me...but he never did...that was MY worst fear that never came to pass.
Courage is born out of fear, it doesn't mean there's NO fear..you step in spite of the fear...gaining confidence as you step forward shaking in your boots.
I remember shaking in mine more than once; at least until I figured out there was nothing to fear, but the fear itself.
I kept picking up that you were afraid, and your fear of him is growing as time passes; and please don't think I am getting onto you, you're not a child.
If you back off in fear, you'll never interact in the way you'll have to when and if it comes time to bring things back together.
If you decide to practice NC for a time, let it also be a time when you get over what you're afraid of facing those fears, and seeing clearly how they might connect to him.
If I'm off-base, let me know; I'm human, too.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
