Well, I think your actions need to become more detached (and you will have to fake this for a while but eventually it will be your reality.
You let your W get away with an awful lot. I understand your dilemma as you want to appear less controlling. But IMO there is a big difference between controlling and allowing an adult get away with things that are not appropriate.
I understand this is easier for me to say than to follow but you MUST stop searching for all these little clues. I realize this forum is a place to journal and such but if you give your W any indication that you are searching so deeply for *anything* she will continue this crap.
The moment she said she feels guilty about the house and her lack of contribution you should have said STOP.. guilt is your issue and not mine. Stop projecting your guilt on me and walked away and most important engage in no further discussion about it.
I understand how hard it is to leave a work persona at work. My sister works in a lab in a large county hospital and prior she was a nurse. Her lab is very stringent with hourly hazardous checks. When you are dealing with specimens, tissue, bone, blood, urine and so on that contain who knows what you need to be. My sister is almost obsessive when cleaning her house. If she sees a crumb of bread on the counter she can spout off 10 bacterias that bread can grow if it remains and all the horrid things that can happen if you ate that crumb of bread with bacteria. Instead of fretting about it why not just throw the crumb out? Honestly, its rather annoying and takes a HUGE chunk of her time to keep her house "lab worthy".
It sounds silly but it can really take over your life. Your posts tell me you are very commanding at work, very structured, not flexible and every action is orchestrated. And that is a GOOD way to be at work! At home though you need to create a sanctuary so you can work on relaxing. And part of that sanctuary should include not putting so much emphasis on what your W does or says.
