Pointing out clearly and concisely to the PUBLIC at LARGE
1. I want my marriage and my family 2. I must protect that from WS
Sends a poweful message to the WS they can't help but see... As LONG as they KNOW their spouse is working FOR the marriage and the leaving is to PROTECT the family and EVERYONE ELSE knows that, this is a HUGE pressure to END CONTACT
IF a AS just leaves and says nothing, and tells eveyrone else nothing, YES it will look like she has walked out on him... this is NOT the message we want to send...
An emtpy home has a very powerful effect on a person.. the guilt ridden in particular...
Her H knows he's doing damage, he just can't control his impulses without help... This is a huge nudge to show him what he is losing... sitting at his home waiting for him to show up and leave again is NOT CONSTRUCTIVE
Then do research first if there are legal concerns... THAT point is certainly worth checking on... but refusing to leave merely out of principle is not constructive to saving the marriage at all... in fact its counterproductive
I agree with you both on princple... why should anyone surrender ground when they are the one's being hurt by and large... ?
BUT when surrendering that ground reveals to the WS the damage they are doing it can be quite productive...
Legally there may be cause for concern, so look into that.
I would note that any legal pursuit should be noted to the WS to keep things OPEN and fully disclosed.
The note I would attach is this :
I am taking steps to protect our marriage and our family from the OW and your affair. I am seeking a lawyer's advice on matterns concerning protecting our children's home from the OW and the harm she is doing. You are entitled to know I am seeking an attourney's help to protect our marriage and our family.
This makes it clear what her objective is, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS set a powerful example of adulthood whenever you make a choice like this in hopes the WS catches on and follows suit.
This keeps the WS from filing for divorce and jumping to the conclusion that his marriage is over.
Packign my things, emptying our home of all my belongings and making arrangements to live elsewhere had a HUGE impact on my wife...
Me packing up and telling her I need to protect myself and our relationship from her affair while she sat there crying holding her cell phone was perhaps the most forceful move I had ever made to send a message.
There are no words as powerful in the english language as an empty home... I can't stress that enough....
When the AS TURNS the TABLES, attacks the AFFAIR, EMPTIES the HOME, becomes unavailable and STOPs the pursuit .. becomes something the spouse CAN'T HAVE anymore, ... THAT is what makes the spouse take NOTICE...
Begging, coddling, pleading, waiting around in teh home until they come back... none of that works...
The other thing that I would reccomend is filing with social services to the effect that the H is an emotional danger to his children... But THAT is drastic.
Right NOW mb28's H thinks the children are unharmed...
Children feed off the energy of their parents... if they are miserable, the children soak that in... they don't SHOW it, but they do absorb the drama...
Somehow the WS needs to learn this point... they need to learn the affair isn't about chosing a mate, its about protecting your HOME, your wife, your children, and yourself.
Emptying the HOME shows the danger and the damage...
Puppy, Thank you so much. Is what I'm planning on saying, what I should be saying? "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk" then I plan on walking away, and not waiting for his response.
I think that's perfect. Just be sure that he also knows that your patience isn't without its limits, and that -- while you are waiting -- you WON'T wait forever.
The emotional IMPACT of a WS who is having an affair returning to a HOME to find it EMPTY for what he's DOING can be overwhelming...
I have never thought about that, nor heard this idea expressed before. I'm kinda liking it. To have all of the family's things, photographs, smells, toys, etc. around . . . .
Pup, i don't know if I like the part about "when you're done with her we can talk"... It just makes it sound like she accepts an open marriage temporarilly...
I prefer something like "Etiher YOU are done with her, OR WE are done with YOU"
and I would call it an AFFAIR, not a relationship. NEVER use the word relationship to describe an affair, it dignifies it...
Would you describe a stalkers association with their target a "relationship?" Not likley...
I know technically it is, from one def is the term, but the term relationship has a common meaning for romantic involvement.
I don't consider an affair a romantic involvement anymore than I consider pornography art... its sleazy, hurtful, and destructive.
Use the word AFFAIR... and tell him you don't want to hear his explanations, tell him you have known him for x years and you can telll when he's full of $hit.
