Puppy, Thank you so much. Is what I'm planning on saying, what I should be saying? "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk" then I plan on walking away, and not waiting for his response.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, here are my concerns: 1) your H is going to the therapy session "just for show" to say he tried it
2) your H and OW are still carrying on and nothing has ended between them
3) the longer this goes on, the harder it will be for your H to end it
So I do think that TODAY, ASAP, it is appropriate for you to say what you plan to:
Quote:
"Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk".
Quote:
If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that"
Maybe say "if we both want to make it work, it will! We will be able to get through this and have a stronger, better marriage than before."
Quote:
I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.
Well so what will you say if he doesn't want to stop being "friends" with her? Is this where you tell him that you will need to cut off contact with him and arrange visitation for the kids and live separately? And that you don't know how long you are going to wait for him to choose your marriage? Or will you file for D since you are not afraid of D anymore? Vets--seriously, she needs a plan.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
newmama, Your right I need a plan. I don't think I'm ready to file for D myself yet. And I don't think I'll have too, everytime I've ever stood up for myself these last few months, H always moves more towards D. Since he hired a L back in Jan, I have been so afraid that now it's going to be so easy for him to just file. And that is why I have failed at the NC because of my fear. It does still scare me, and I still don't want a D. However, I realize that I can no longer be a doormat because of that fear. Being alone scares the hell out of me.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Your husband is using the lawyer to threaten you... its tantamount to emotional abuse.
As for what to say... You want to get two points across :
1. You want your marraige BACK 2. You want the OW GONE
He has to understand that he can not have BOTH ... he's been playing both sides for a LONG TIME now.
You can word it like the following maybe :
Stop, don't talk, don't interrupt me. I just have to say this and then I am out of this conversation. You have used this lawyer and this other woman to make me and our family feel worthless for TOO LONG.
I have tolerated this because I love you and I want our family back. But at this point I will NO LONGER ACCEPT HER in my or my familie's life and remain in contact with you. I don't CARE what you SAY about the two of you.
This woman is not HELPING OUR MARRIAGE - SHE needs to LEAVE us ALONE, or your your family is leaving you. If you choose to contact her EVER again from this point I will pack my families things and my own and we will be DONE with you. You will have a failed marriage violated by a sleazy affair on your conscience for the rest of your life.
You have a choice to make - right now - you can be a member of a family and a good husband and father, or you can be a runout deadbeat that everyone talks about behind your back. What's it gonna be?
The thing is, his MOOD and temperment will invariably have to affect how forceful you are here... you don't need to be callous if he's guilt ridden at the time...
It's your call, but you can borrow ideas from the sample above.
He needs to know h
1. He's NOT choosing between YOU and HER 2. He's choosing between a) a LIFE with a full family who loves him or b) a LIFE as a runout husband
If you said he was considering Family Therapy it may be best to get this pitch done THERE by a GOOD FT. He may react better from a neutral party. He has a lot of anger he hasn't processed well and he's letting it get the better of his jugement.
The biggest red light I have read here is that you are telling him you believe he's just freinds with OW. Given the volume of calls and how much he confides in her he is at the VERY LEAST involved on an emotional level. You said you saw them kissing so I suspect its on a physical level as well. He's ALLOWING a woman to ATTACK his HOME and FAMILY... its time for mama bear to speak up to him.
Do NOT tolerate lies. I he tries to lie :
Look him STRAIGHT in the EYES cold and purposeful :
"I know when you are lying. You are not fooling me OR you, so cut the bull$hit and be honest with your family... Saying she's a friend is hurtful to your entire family, so stop it... would you like to your children to safe face too? STOP LYING and be honest about her, no one believes you... most of all yourself... You're having an affair... the LEAST you can do as a husband and father is be man enough to admit it."
If you choose to contact her EVER again from this point I will pack my families things and my own and we will be DONE with you. You will have a failed marriage violated by a sleazy affair on your conscience for the rest of your life.
So mb needs to be prepared to leave him...but then what? File for D? Or just say these words and go? And why should SHE leave the house--she has the kids! He should leave and he is the one not being comitted!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
She leaves to demonstrate what HE is chosing.. if she asks HIM to leave then HE tells everyone she chose to end their marriage...
I DO think she should lave the house... vacate it completely until he agrees to No Contact, it takes her OUT of the drama AND demonstrates the damage the affair is having on his home...
I feel quite strongly about this.. its NOT permanent, its temporary until he ends the affair or he signs divorce papers
You guys are thinking about the leaving the home as a problem on principle...
My reccomendation is purely strategical... when the abandoned spouse vacates it shows that the AS is distancing themselves from the marriage until the WS stops allowing teh OW to attack that marriage... she says outright that she will return when the OW is out of the picture...
It puts control in her hands... when HE leaves, it just gives him freedom to play as a single man or return to a family whenever he likes... THAT needs to END
The emotional IMPACT of a WS who is having an affair returning to a HOME to find it EMPTY for what he's DOING can be overwhelming...
When you insist on remaining in the home on principle you discard a very powerful affair-busting tactic and put way too much power in the hands of the WS to be single or be married at their whim.
When you LEAVE the HOME and EMPTY it of your things and tell the WS that you will return when your marriage is SAFE again it has an OVERWHELMING impact on the WS...
Empty homes resonate in the heat of the WS... they can SEE what they are doing... they can SEE they are driving their family away...
Why sit there in the home .. it just sends a message "we will be here waiting for you when you decide to come back..."
