WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Well we had some 'movement' tonight. I got fed up and told OM a few things via text msg. In a nutshell:

1) Stay away from my kids homewrecker - if you have any contact with them they will know what you have done to my family since my teenagers already know there has been an OM.

2) Any money I pay WAW is for my kids and not your freeloding a**

3) You are a POS and everyone in this town knows it and thiss will just prove the point.

About 45 minutes went by, and I see WAW getting her jacket and keys with her phone in her hand all lit up. I told her "you had better check that phone and then go somewhere so you can talk on it" as she walked out the door.

Then I sent OM this:

Just like clockwork, I knew you would be whining to WAW as a first priority instead of dealing with me like a man

About 90 minutes went by and WAW came back with one of her friends to get her stuff so she could spend the night at her house. She said goodbye to the kids. It is a milestone since she has never left overnight. Funny how it finally happens when I start hassling OM. I hadn't said a word to her about any of it before she left.

Now, the MOST interesting thing happened after this. I told my 2 teenagers:

Your mom is angry at me because I sent some messages to a friend of hers that I don't like very much so she is angry. I am sorry you kids have overheard our arguments and have to see this kind of stuff, but I am hoping that we can work things out still and want to stay married to your your mom. I knoew it might be hard to understand what's going on but some day maybe we can talk about it more.

At that point D16 said:

Dad, I understand. Mom has another phone. It is black and I found it the other day hidden under her clothes. It was ringing and there was a text message.

Kids aren't dumb. I sent my W a note about this, that the phone she has been denying she has was found by D16.

[pigskin]

Ugh. I was just about to post that you shouldn't contact the OM when I saw this most recent post.

Nothing you can do about it now, but I think you should treat the OM himself as a non-entity. As others have said, any contact just elevates him in importance, and does not have the effect you want anyway. I don't even mention my W's OM by name. When he is referenced for any reason, its just "him", "this guy", "He", etc.

I think threats can/will be used against you, especially if there is an electronic trail. I'd say never do anything like that where a record of it could be saved.

I know it is a tremendous hit to pride and ego when there is another man in the picture, but I think you have to leave his eventual fate up to God. Rest assured, this guy will get what is coming to him. It is just not your job to do it. Read Romans 12; has some good info on this type of stuff.

Just for full disclosure if you didn't already know, I met with my W's OM shortly after the bomb (I had met him socially at a couple of prior events but we were not friends or anything), but kept it completely civil. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, let him admit to a horrible mistake, and let him see the type of man he was dealing with - a class act and gentleman; not someone my W should be running from. It was my way of allowing myself to justify my view of him based on actions after that point. He apologized, but made no changes. It was to be my only contact with him, and I have never communicated with him in any form since then.

I gave him nothing to run to my wife about. I think you have to forget about the OM. Your issue is your wife. Don't let pride or ego dictate your actions. It's damn hard, but necessary, I think.

I don't think you should say anything designed to piss your wife off or put her on the defensive. Note that I say "designed to piss her off" not "that's going to piss her off"; as there are going to be some things that she's just not going to like, and that's that. But barking at her about her phone as she's walking out can't possibly help your case with her. If there is boundary violation deal with it matter of factly. State the violation, and the consequence, just as you would with your kids. I doubt you spank your kids anymore, right? Don't spank your wife; it won't work.

[gucci loafer]

WOW.. Trying... Trying.. Trying.... Where do I begin...

Come on man.. Wise up...Stop doing this to yourself.. It is no wonder your wife can't get her feelings back for you...

You are wishy washy.. One minute you tell her to move out, then when she says she will, you cave.. The next minute you want her to stay and OFFER her an open marriage.....

Come on man... Toughen up. This is totally weak and unatttractive to most ANY woman..

You now "email" the OM and then in the email tell him he isn't dealing with you like "a man"... I would have to say that "emailing" an OM is very weak and wimpy... Why not confront him face to face? (I don't recommend that, but emailing him is showing nothing but weakness)


Come on man... Toughen up here....You are obsessed and need a 180... NOW..

Here is what you should do..

Total change of attitude. (Like when you first met her and SHE CHASED YOU) She can't chase if you don't run the other way...


I read through all your threads.. What you are doing is NOT working. Admit that. Stop doing things that don't work.Start doing things that do work. Men that are successful with women do NOT chase a woman who tells them they don't want them. Men who are successful with women do NOT tolerate a woman having a blantant affair and allow her to continue to live with him. Either she goes or he goes. If she won't leave, HE DOES. It isn't up for negotiation. (I notice negotiation hasn't worked)


Start to get decisive here. Make a strong, confident decision and tell her what "you have decided".. Then STAND by that and let the chips fall where they may. Either she comes back and starts chasing you or she doesn't... No biggie for you either way.. Start going out and having the time of YOUR life without her. Talk and intereact with the opposite sex. You have made yourself very very unattractive and if you don't turn around here then you are doomed.

Confident, happy men are the ones who get the women. Men who pursue and chase and go wishy washy and keep trying to win a woman who has over and over told him she doesn't want him are destined for failure. No woman can have feelings of love for a man who won't let go and move on without her...There are plenty of examples on this site of men like this. I could name more than a couple of men who are STILL on here trying things to win their women back after one year, going on two years etc. etc... Still not working for them, but they still refuse to see it.(plan number 1500 and counting) Still trying. Still losing. How sad. Don't be one of those men. That just doesn't work. Admit it and change course. Getting tough and strong works far far better. Let her see and feel a man who doesn't share his woman. That is done by showing her with action that you will no linger do ONE thing to win her back or try to make this work. It is ALL now up to her. If she stays with him.. So be it...

Let HER chase you.. That is how you won her in the first place and is the only way to win her back. Get you manhood back and toughen up. Enough is enough...

[tryingtilDorR]

Guys you are both right. I texted him, not emailed, but same difference I know. It felt good because I got stuff off my chest, but you are right it makes him more important than he needs to be. I guess I kind of feel like I am at the 'nothing to lose' stage. Today he told me he would have me arrested for harassing him. I thought that was great. I told him go for it.

I have flipped flopped a lot the past 2 months as we have circled to the end point (her leaving). I can't seem to hold the rudder on a direction. The 'open relationship' thing was crazy - I thought I could detach enough for the sake of my kids and finances but couldn't do it.

OK here is where I stand today.

We went to mediation. I decided just before going in that I would offer her legal separation (what she wanted) IF she dumps OM once and for all and proves it and agrees to go to some sort of marriage counseling. If not we file for D.

Her answer predictably was NO to my conditions on legal separation, so I told the mediator to do a D filing.

It is all that's left. She wants to move out but doesn't want to pull the trigger on D. She wants me to pay her to help her afford a place. I told her I would only pay her if we file an agreement and she gets a place where the kids can be half time.

We have basically settled on the support amount based upon the formulas and next we need to negotiate child care stuff (who gets them what days a week, etc.). I need to really look at finances closely in order to determine if I can keep our house. She wants me to try and sounds like she is willing to negotiate on support - she wants kids to be able to still live there.

It's done. There is nothing else to do at this point. I left town right after the mediation appt and it is good to be away from her.

This is so true - I have learned the hard way by trying just about everything else BUT give up and I am tired now -

Men who pursue and chase and go wishy washy and keep trying to win a woman who has over and over told him she doesn't want him are destined for failure. No woman can have feelings of love for a man who won't let go and move on without her..

[tryingtilDorR]

Pigskin - it turns out I started out just like you when it came to contacting OM. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and had a polite conversation with him where he sounded apologetic, etc but didn't ever change his behavior. I called him.

I know what I did wasn't wise. WAW is fuming but again, I figured I had nothing to lose at this point and was blowing off steam I guess.

[Steve McQueen]

She said "what about what you said about an open relationship?" and I replied I changed my mind and that I was doing that to keep her around while kids finished school and I got financial affairs in order, but it is wrong and won't work. She still denies that she is having an affair, blah blah blah.

Tell us more about this open relationship you offered your wife and what was said about it.

[tryingtilDorR]

McQueen-

At one point in January she told me that she wanted to start taking steps to move out - seeing a mediator, etc. The timing of this was after I contacted OM's 'roomate' (mother of his kid) just before Christmas to tell her what I knew about their relationship. Right after 1st of year she started talking about taking concrete steps to leave (she had been looking around for rentals for months but never did anything).

Financially, it would be a disaster if she did it before May/June, plus I didn't want to disrupt the kids before the end of school.

I know why she is leaving - it is to be 'free' to be with OM. In her mind separation = OK to have a boyfriend and no more sneaking around. I made a practical decision - I figured if I give her what she wants for a few months she would hold off on leaving and we leave kids alone for a few more months and I get started in my new job (lots of travel) and get money situation in order.

I told her:

"We can be roommates like you have wanted for the past year. I will not get involved in your personal life and you can do what you want"

Her reaction was: "I am not doing anything. You are going crazy. You can't just stop caring that fast."

So basically, if you believe her reaction, my offer had no bargaining power really. However, she continues to talk to OM (which she considers to not be anything) at least.

For about a months I went about my business as if we were just roommates.

Something snapped a week ago, however. WHen I got angry about her and OM interaction of the past week she brought up the "I thought you said my personal life is none of your busines, etc etc."

Those are the high points basically. I am sure there were a few other comment here and there, but the basic reaction to my offer of about 6 weeks ago was "I am not doing anything. I don't need an open relationship because I am not with anyone, etc etc. I just have a friend and am just talking - not doing anything with him...".

I think I proved all this wrong when I offered her legal separation if she agrees to cut off all contact with OM and go to some counseling for a month or two. She refused, even though she has been requesting legal separation rather than divorce all along. She says it is too stressful for her and she needs to get away from me. She can, I will pay her, if she agrees to no OM and some counseling but she refuses. This, in my eyes, confirms why she wants to leave (OM) which I knew all along anyway.

[pigskin]

I think I proved all this wrong when I offered her legal separation if she agrees to cut off all contact with OM and go to some counseling for a month or two. She refused, even though she has been requesting legal separation rather than divorce all along. She says it is too stressful for her and she needs to get away from me. She can, I will pay her, if she agrees to no OM and some counseling but she refuses. This, in my eyes, confirms why she wants to leave (OM) which I knew all along anyway.

Who knows what's going through her head, but maybe she didn't want to be the one to file so that in the future she can say "HE'S the one who filed for divorce".

Her ongoing denials of anything funny going on play into that.

I wish you the best. Hopefully this will shake your wife up enough to know that you mean business.