Sharing My Story - Need Support

[BrownEyes]

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and would like to share my story to get it out and also, hopefully so I can receive some support. I am little weary as I have tried other forums (not related to divorcebusting) before and only got put down based on the decision I had made this board seems friendly!

I am 27 and my husband is 28. We met in middle school but did not start dating until 2000 (end of highschool). We were married in 2007 (we were both 25).

We had a wonderful relationship until around 2006 things got slightly rocky but it wasn't anything that we couldn't work through. Husband (then boyfriend) left his job and I was under a lot of pressure to support us. Three months later he got a job doing something he didn’t enjoy (he wanted to be a musician) but in my eyes at least the bills were getting paid and I always said he could look for something he loved while he worked. Things during this time seemed to be going really well. I gained a little bit of weight (about 10-15 pounds).

We got engaged. During our engagement, fiancée moonlighted as a musician. We were still in debt from when fiancée lost his job the year before – we were forced to leave our apartment and move somewhere cheaper. I was very stressed out during this time (and resentful) and gained some more weight (about 20 more pounds). Our engagement overall was pretty great – we had the normal fights but I couldn’t have been more sure about marrying him and he seemed that same way about me. Our sex life started to suffer a little bit but not much – we had already been together 7 years and were stressed from the wedding – I thought it was normal.

In September 2007 (two months before wedding) my fiancée was fired. I honestly don’t think he really cared as he hated his job. I tried to be supportive and I secretly think he was glad because he was able to follow his dream of being a musician. After the wedding things went downhill fast – I don’t really think it had anything to do with us getting married – I just think it had to do with the timing of everything. While my husband was doing his music stuff (one to two nights a week) he refused to get any other sort of job. I was working 60+ hours per week, commuting 2 hours each way. I would come home and find him playing video games, dishes in the sink, laundry not done. I was a bitch. I admit it – I was a mean, mean, mean person. I was so angry that he was making me suffer AGAIN – after we had already been through him losing a job. We saw a counselor. I don’t think it helped too much. I think we were both hurt but things seemed to get a little better. Our sex life was terrible at this point. We had sex twice on our honeymoon and then nothing after that for 6 months. I was miserable. He started going out at night, not coming home, etc. I gained more weight (2006 I was at 130) at this point I had ballooned to 220.

A YEAR later he was finally able to get full time status with this company as a musician and started to make really, really good money. Things seemed better in our relationship. We bought a house in late 2008. I felt really happy and like things were going well. Then things got worse again – he started staying out, not coming home, avoiding me. I felt like I was a mother with a teenage son.

In March 2009, I discovered he had been having an affair since Jan 2009. I was shocked. As stupid as it sounds I had NO CLUE. I have always been a very, very trusting person and never questioned him about where he was or where he was going. He said that he was in love with her (I seriously almost laughed – he knew her for about 8 weeks, only saw her at 2am, she told him he was the “love of her life” the first time they had sex 3 weeks after they met – riiiiiight, true love). I’m not saying that he didn’t have strong feeling for her but I was crushed that he could have been so emotional with someone. He said he didn’t love me anymore. I was non-functioning for almost a week. He decided he wanted to work it out and cut everything off with her. He was a basket case. He cried over her. You could tell he thought about her. I felt miserable. I honestly felt like in some way I deserved it – he made me feel that way. He said he “needed” the affair because I made him so miserable. I felt bad for the way I had treated him – I had been mean (although many times I felt rightfully so as he was out of work for so long!)

Went into counseling again. He apologized but I don’t think it was sincere – at all. I have known him for 15 years and I know when he is sorry and I really don’t think he regretted it. He said he regretted it but he never cried about the sadness, spoke in monotones. I just didn’t believe him. Counselor believed him though. The whole counselor thing made me believe we were moving in the right direction.

Things were going great (or so I thought). We deicded to have a baby – or start trying – in January 2010. We started the whole process of going off birth control, etc. He seemed excited – I felt like we were finally moving on and we were happy. In August 2009 I thought I was pregnant, I was scared but really excited. It was sooner than we had planned. I got out the video camera and told him. He didn’t say anything except “that’s nice”. We later found out if was a false positive and he then stated “thank god. That was the worst day of my life.” Obviously, after that it became clear he wasn’t ready to have a baby. I was CRUSHED but I put on a happy face – I’m not going to force him to have a kid.

In September 2009, I came home from work and he had moved all of his stuff out of our house and said he wanted a divorce. I had gotten upset that morning because he let the dog eat a pair of my shoes AGAIN while I was at work and didn’t tell me. I was irritated. I was hysterically crying – he was saying he was confused, he loved me but wasn’t “in love with me”, he just didn’t see it working out. He told me he was not attracted to me at all – I had gained weight and it just “wasn’t there”. We talked and talked and he decided to stay – he brought all of his stuff back. From Sept-Jan 2010 I thought things were going really well. We went on a vacation – it just seemed great. We were getting along, having sex, etc.

Then, in Jan I discovered an email on his computer to a prostitute. Long story short – he basically has been seeing prostitutes since 2006. Only for blow jobs but he had a secret email account and there are hundreds of emails back and forth for years. I was obviously crushed, again. I thought there was something wrong with him. I also think he might have a drinking problem (or the strart of one). Husband was EXTREMELY remorseful (nothing like the affair) – it seemed sincere. He told me he loved me and wanted to work it out and to “not give up on him”. I was so angry but decided that maybe this was the breaking point – all the secrets were out and not we could finally work on our marriage from a place of truth. Sought out a much praised therapist that specializes in couples and sex issues.

We had our first appointment and I was very hopeful. He will see husband individually, I will see another counselor individually and then sometimes we will meet with a therapist together. I was really, really happy – I felt like for the first time I could see a light and we were on the same page.

Then on Sunday, husband is a complete [censored]. He wakes me up from smoking in the house – I am furious. I don’t understand why I continue to be disrespected. We get into a fight and husband says he doesn’t think he “has it in him to try anymore”. Although, I shouldn’t be surprised for some reason I am. He has put me through complete and udder HELL and I have stuck by him, hoping against hope that we can make it and he just wants to give up. I say to him that I don’t understand – I thought we were going to therapy again. He says “I thought the therapy was for my sex issues”. I’m inconsolable. He says he will go to therapy and see what happens.

I spent almost all day yesterday crying. I don’t want to get divorced. I feel like it could be a clean slate. Right now he is still living at home and I’m trying to do the “180” rules since yesterday. We are still planning to go on vacation in a few weeks. We are not separating I guess we are just seeing how therapy works. I love him. I love him so much. I just feel like if he really thought it was over he wouldn’t really care how I felt and he would just leave. But he clearly must care to some degree – he cooked dinner yesterday and did the laundry. If he did just want to leave woldnt he just go?

I guess I just don’t know what to do. I want to save my marriage. I need some advice and help. Has anyone had success with the 180 rules?

Any help, support, advice would be much appreciated. I feel very lost and alone. I feel like I have no self esteem. I feel like I’m on a seesaw – one week he is telling me how much he loves me, etc. and the next week he wants a divorce. I am trying to lose weight – I can understand logically how one can be unattracted to someone that gains 80 pounds (Ive lost about 20 since intial gain) but its still painful.

[crushed_v95]

Holy Crap! I'm a fella, ten years your senior; but, your story is my story!

I am married to a woman and together we have put our children through much sorrow and suffering. I am glad you are both on board (or at least he is halfheartedly) to fix things now, *before* you have children as I do.

I want to save my marriage too. I feel you there. It's very difficult to do everything on your own if your partner doesn't care, though.

[BrownEyes]

Hi Crushed!

How are you coping? Are you still living with your wife?

[newmama]

Hi, anned82,
first, is your H done contacting OW and prostitutes? Are you monitoring his activity?

second, have you read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy?

third, hey, the two of you are trying to work it out and he didn't leave! It will be very very hard to change some of the habits you have established but it can be done!

[BrownEyes]

Hi Newmama,

Yes, I think I should have made that clear in the post. He stopped contacting/seeing other woman after I found out about the affair. I put a tracer thing on his computer and my computer so I could see what he was doing (he didnt know about this) and he was not contacting her and hasnt been.

I stopped really monitoring his computer at all several months after the affair becuase I had started to trust him again. That is when he started to contct prosittutes again but I didnt find out until last month. He has only actually visited a prositute 5 times but I had conversations hundreds of times and masterbated to the conversations.

I have not read either of those books - do you think they would help? I got the 180 rules online.

you are right, he didn't leave. It is just so confusing because one second he wants a divorce nd then the other second he loves me, loves spending time with me. It's just hard to understand all of that. It is also making the 18o rules more difficult - it says dont to say "i love you" - so if he says "I love you" I'm just supposed to not respond. Also, he still interacts with me, gets excited to tell me things, wants to do things with me - am I just supposed to act like I dont want to do those things even though I take those things as an indication of him making an effort?

Thank you for your support!

[BrownEyes]

Also, newmama - how is the DB working for you?

[newmama]

Anne, I am feeling success in the sense of at the MINIMUM stalling the divorce. It has been 4 months since he brought it up. No sign of D in sight. But no sign of reconciliation in sight either!

I really really recommend reading those books because they flush out the strategies in detail and you can pick and choose what matches your situation. I also got Getting Through to the Man You Love also by MWD. (Of course I am not using it yet- but the main point is to get your man to improve 1) BE SPECIFIC with what you want him to do- do not expect him to pick up on hints and 2) PRAISE HIM for when he does stuff...praise a lot. Men's egoes are more fragile than women's. But we need men!!! (not dissing- women are definitely a little more moody than men so I am able to criticize both sexes equally))

Amazon has her books, too, for cheaper. But they arrived very quickly, like in 3 days, when I ordered them from this website.

And 180 list is a general list but 180 is actually intended to mean whatever you were doing before that DID NOT WORK, do the opposite of. Even MWD says that if you were distant and cold before, and the 180 list says to be distant, then you are not doing a 180, kwim? Start being warm and watch what happens. (for example)

OK and MWD says to think of your changes in behavior as a human experiment. You try one or 2 strategies for 1-2 weeks (i.e. praising him for doing stuff or being busy) and monitor results. If he starts acting in positive ways that include "pursuing" you, then do more of the same.


Also what are yours and his love languages? Just google it if you don't know what I am asking :-)

And what self improvements are you putting into place so far?

Sorry for all of the info and long post!