Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Struggling with things today. Saw W for about 20 minutes last night. She was trying to gather the tax stuff for me.

D7 came running in and wanted us to do a family hug. It was awkward, but she was happy.

I do not like how I'm acting when I see her. I'm exactly the opposite of shining. I'm reserved. Quiet. Sullen. I just want to get out of there.

I don't know how to change that. I'm still just so hurt.

Thursday is D10's birthday and I'll see W at least three or four times that day. I will try to do better. I'm trying to tell myself this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to learn how to act natural around her.

At church they've been pushing hard a concept, becoming "The Me I Want To Be." A big part of my problem is that I've been trying to make improvements always with an eye on whether or how I can show W I'm changing.

The problem with that approach is that W may not care. As the book says it is about becoming "The Me I Want To Be."

So Thursday isn't about seeing W, it's about seeing the teachers of my two girls and celebrating D10's birthday.

The taxes are about getting them done ASAP so W and I can pay bills. Next year will take care of itself.

So I guess I'm doing better now that I've thought things through. I put way too much emphasis into each moment in time.