I understand you *want* an EA to NOT exist but chances are it does exist on some level. It is not a matter of being certain or not unless you plan to full out bust it or pursue it from a legal standpoint. If you see "red flags" you need to proceed as if it does exist 110%. That stance is for YOU and YOU only. You may want to be detached and there might be days where you feel more detached than others but overall you seem to be rather attached.
You getting the password changed on the phone would be pointless. It keeps you and your W locked in a power struggle, she will hold back for a few days then find a new way to conduct whatever it is she is conducting.
Control seems to be a big issue for you. You cannot control your W so changing the password would do no good. Making excuses or justifications as to why your W might be doing what she is doing is not good for YOU. You just justified why she goes to her father's alone. Well, so what? Things are different now and she set the tone for "being different" so any old facts really are not relevant to the NEW situation.
Changing passwords *is* a big red flag but it seems to be a tangible one for you. In reading your posts there are tons of red flags just not as blatant as a password change. It seems though when they are pointed out to you, you are able to give a reason as to why they *may* be happening. Maybe in the past your reasoning was valid but things are different now.
My H basically cut off ALL ties with his aunt (who at one time he was very close to for a good part of his life) because she had an affair, dumped her husband and married a real loser. I have been in my H's life for 13 years and his stance against his aunt remained strong. Very strong. It was a very different game though when my H began his affair. *Now* the game was different. For a long time I was stunned that somebody who was so against cheating, who was perfectly clear from Day 1 that any sort of cheating was a "deal breaker" for him was now heavily invested in an affair.
It's tough, no doubt about it. Leave her alone totally and move forward with your life. Note, I did not say "move on" but move forward. It will take some time but eventually she will see you are not longer hunting for clues to make things work and you have stopped accommodating her and then maybe things will be different (or maybe not). The more you dote on her the more underground she has to go. Loosen the reigns and mistakes will happen. Then you can make a choice about your future.
