Hi Everyone, I am new here and would like to share my story to get it out and also, hopefully so I can receive some support. I am little weary as I have tried other forums (not related to divorcebusting) before and only got put down based on the decision I had made this board seems friendly!
I am 27 and my husband is 28. We met in middle school but did not start dating until 2000 (end of highschool). We were married in 2007 (we were both 25).
We had a wonderful relationship until around 2006 things got slightly rocky but it wasn't anything that we couldn't work through. Husband (then boyfriend) left his job and I was under a lot of pressure to support us. Three months later he got a job doing something he didn’t enjoy (he wanted to be a musician) but in my eyes at least the bills were getting paid and I always said he could look for something he loved while he worked. Things during this time seemed to be going really well. I gained a little bit of weight (about 10-15 pounds).
We got engaged. During our engagement, fiancée moonlighted as a musician. We were still in debt from when fiancée lost his job the year before – we were forced to leave our apartment and move somewhere cheaper. I was very stressed out during this time (and resentful) and gained some more weight (about 20 more pounds). Our engagement overall was pretty great – we had the normal fights but I couldn’t have been more sure about marrying him and he seemed that same way about me. Our sex life started to suffer a little bit but not much – we had already been together 7 years and were stressed from the wedding – I thought it was normal.
In September 2007 (two months before wedding) my fiancée was fired. I honestly don’t think he really cared as he hated his job. I tried to be supportive and I secretly think he was glad because he was able to follow his dream of being a musician. After the wedding things went downhill fast – I don’t really think it had anything to do with us getting married – I just think it had to do with the timing of everything. While my husband was doing his music stuff (one to two nights a week) he refused to get any other sort of job. I was working 60+ hours per week, commuting 2 hours each way. I would come home and find him playing video games, dishes in the sink, laundry not done. I was a bitch. I admit it – I was a mean, mean, mean person. I was so angry that he was making me suffer AGAIN – after we had already been through him losing a job. We saw a counselor. I don’t think it helped too much. I think we were both hurt but things seemed to get a little better. Our sex life was terrible at this point. We had sex twice on our honeymoon and then nothing after that for 6 months. I was miserable. He started going out at night, not coming home, etc. I gained more weight (2006 I was at 130) at this point I had ballooned to 220.
A YEAR later he was finally able to get full time status with this company as a musician and started to make really, really good money. Things seemed better in our relationship. We bought a house in late 2008. I felt really happy and like things were going well. Then things got worse again – he started staying out, not coming home, avoiding me. I felt like I was a mother with a teenage son.
In March 2009, I discovered he had been having an affair since Jan 2009. I was shocked. As stupid as it sounds I had NO CLUE. I have always been a very, very trusting person and never questioned him about where he was or where he was going. He said that he was in love with her (I seriously almost laughed – he knew her for about 8 weeks, only saw her at 2am, she told him he was the “love of her life” the first time they had sex 3 weeks after they met – riiiiiight, true love). I’m not saying that he didn’t have strong feeling for her but I was crushed that he could have been so emotional with someone. He said he didn’t love me anymore. I was non-functioning for almost a week. He decided he wanted to work it out and cut everything off with her. He was a basket case. He cried over her. You could tell he thought about her. I felt miserable. I honestly felt like in some way I deserved it – he made me feel that way. He said he “needed” the affair because I made him so miserable. I felt bad for the way I had treated him – I had been mean (although many times I felt rightfully so as he was out of work for so long!)
Went into counseling again. He apologized but I don’t think it was sincere – at all. I have known him for 15 years and I know when he is sorry and I really don’t think he regretted it. He said he regretted it but he never cried about the sadness, spoke in monotones. I just didn’t believe him. Counselor believed him though. The whole counselor thing made me believe we were moving in the right direction.
Things were going great (or so I thought). We deicded to have a baby – or start trying – in January 2010. We started the whole process of going off birth control, etc. He seemed excited – I felt like we were finally moving on and we were happy. In August 2009 I thought I was pregnant, I was scared but really excited. It was sooner than we had planned. I got out the video camera and told him. He didn’t say anything except “that’s nice”. We later found out if was a false positive and he then stated “thank god. That was the worst day of my life.” Obviously, after that it became clear he wasn’t ready to have a baby. I was CRUSHED but I put on a happy face – I’m not going to force him to have a kid.
In September 2009, I came home from work and he had moved all of his stuff out of our house and said he wanted a divorce. I had gotten upset that morning because he let the dog eat a pair of my shoes AGAIN while I was at work and didn’t tell me. I was irritated. I was hysterically crying – he was saying he was confused, he loved me but wasn’t “in love with me”, he just didn’t see it working out. He told me he was not attracted to me at all – I had gained weight and it just “wasn’t there”. We talked and talked and he decided to stay – he brought all of his stuff back. From Sept-Jan 2010 I thought things were going really well. We went on a vacation – it just seemed great. We were getting along, having sex, etc.
Then, in Jan I discovered an email on his computer to a prostitute. Long story short – he basically has been seeing prostitutes since 2006. Only for blow jobs but he had a secret email account and there are hundreds of emails back and forth for years. I was obviously crushed, again. I thought there was something wrong with him. I also think he might have a drinking problem (or the strart of one). Husband was EXTREMELY remorseful (nothing like the affair) – it seemed sincere. He told me he loved me and wanted to work it out and to “not give up on him”. I was so angry but decided that maybe this was the breaking point – all the secrets were out and not we could finally work on our marriage from a place of truth. Sought out a much praised therapist that specializes in couples and sex issues.
We had our first appointment and I was very hopeful. He will see husband individually, I will see another counselor individually and then sometimes we will meet with a therapist together. I was really, really happy – I felt like for the first time I could see a light and we were on the same page.
Then on Sunday, husband is a complete [censored]. He wakes me up from smoking in the house – I am furious. I don’t understand why I continue to be disrespected. We get into a fight and husband says he doesn’t think he “has it in him to try anymore”. Although, I shouldn’t be surprised for some reason I am. He has put me through complete and udder HELL and I have stuck by him, hoping against hope that we can make it and he just wants to give up. I say to him that I don’t understand – I thought we were going to therapy again. He says “I thought the therapy was for my sex issues”. I’m inconsolable. He says he will go to therapy and see what happens.
I spent almost all day yesterday crying. I don’t want to get divorced. I feel like it could be a clean slate. Right now he is still living at home and I’m trying to do the “180” rules since yesterday. We are still planning to go on vacation in a few weeks. We are not separating I guess we are just seeing how therapy works. I love him. I love him so much. I just feel like if he really thought it was over he wouldn’t really care how I felt and he would just leave. But he clearly must care to some degree – he cooked dinner yesterday and did the laundry. If he did just want to leave woldnt he just go?
I guess I just don’t know what to do. I want to save my marriage. I need some advice and help. Has anyone had success with the 180 rules?
Any help, support, advice would be much appreciated. I feel very lost and alone. I feel like I have no self esteem. I feel like I’m on a seesaw – one week he is telling me how much he loves me, etc. and the next week he wants a divorce. I am trying to lose weight – I can understand logically how one can be unattracted to someone that gains 80 pounds (Ive lost about 20 since intial gain) but its still painful.
