flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[DiamondGirl]

I have the same problem and it's done a lot of damage in my M. I think it's because H needs me to set boundaries, but I don't know how to do that in a connected/loving way. I also got very poor role modeling in that area.

I think I'm in the same boat with this... Early on, before H started to constantly spew and I saw a glimpse of him, he said he didn't know where his boundaries were...And I was raised by a mother who does not recognize/know about boundaries... I'm really now just learning about them myself..

I've also concluded that I need to work on gentle boundaries. When happy_again posted about his W, she managed to be very loving, calm, and set boundaries in very soft, non-triggering ways and he gives her a lot of credit for standing her ground while still treating him in a very accepting and loving way. She sounds like a saint, frankly! He was really harsh when he posted on the forum and I assume IRL, so I don't imagine it was easy for her to DB (she had the book).

This is an area where I need to work on too.. I was raised in a household where yelling was the norm and criticism passed as jokes.. The world doesn't work the way I grew up and it's really hard to figure out when I'm being dysfunctional..

Thanks for your insights.. It has helped me a great deal..

I know that the MLC blames the spouse, but it would be good if I could not bring it on should we see each other/face each other again soon.. Maybe also de-escalate it when he does...