You are doing a wonderful job. You GET it. Keep on this path. Keep the mystery going. Stay strong. Men respond to a woman like you that get strong. Good job.
Ruined, I'm sorry you have been SO alone on here! I think the reason you aren't getting the feedback is because you are doing SO well. I know that doesn't help you... but at least you know you aren't being maliciously ignored.
You are doing GREAT! My suggestion would be to continue going dark - that's working well for you; but also to try and stop reading H's behavior. Do you have your goals - what are they? Post them here and then we can help you evaluate his responses based on your goals - action oriented review. The rest is just speculation.
You ARE seeing results. Now its time to pin down what you want out of this.
I'll stop back - -promise!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Good luck. This seems like a tough situation. I have an H who thinks we're going to be best friends after this too and I've had to explain repeatedly that this is not happening and why. Not sure if you're in IC, but it's a good place to talk about why your H's choices are not your lifetime responsibility.
RNM: I don't see him ending A anytime soon. If it isn't a PA, I'm sure [guessing] it will be in the near future. Or I can't imagine how it wouldn't become so. I'll be 'out of the way'. H. has already projected me cheating many, many times over the last 6 months.
The problem with this is that you will possibly never know one way or the other if he is just escalating the amount of time he is venting to OW or whether and if it does become PA. And projecting cheating isn't ALWAYS a sign of cheating. Sometime it just happens when a spouse loses sight of or perceived control of other spouse. He has lost, by his own choice, both of those things with you and it is making him nervous. There are separated people on this board where both spouses got paranoid about the other's activities immediately. Some of them reconciled and neither of them was ever cheating the whole time. I'm not saying you don't have reason to worry. I'm saying a million things could happen. Good luck.
My other prediction is that even if it does go PA, it will become a shamble within six months because he seems really upset and out of sorts over the loss of your friendship right now. Too upset for someone "over" you. He's going to nosedive and not be much fun sometime in the next six months. Hope the OW enjoys that sight.
You are doing a wonderful job. You GET it. Keep on this path. Keep the mystery going. Stay strong. Men respond to a woman like you that get strong. Good job.
Thank you Gucci. Rationally, I think I'm on the right course. Emotionally, tho, ugh! I really appreciate you stopping by. I read your post to others and try to apply relevant advice to my sitch. You give great advice, so I'm pleased you're here.
Originally Posted By: talia
Ruined, I'm sorry you have been SO alone on here! I think the reason you aren't getting the feedback is because you are doing SO well. I know that doesn't help you... but at least you know you aren't being maliciously ignored.
You are doing GREAT! My suggestion would be to continue going dark - that's working well for you; but also to try and stop reading H's behavior. Do you have your goals - what are they? Post them here and then we can help you evaluate his responses based on your goals - action oriented review. The rest is just speculation.
You ARE seeing results. Now its time to pin down what you want out of this.
I'll stop back - -promise!
T
Talia, thank you. I'll admit, I did feel a little bit ignored. But I didn't think it was b/c I was doing good.
I've packed my solution journal already, moving next week. I will have to sit down later [prolly Thurs, busy next 2 days] and write out my goals. Didn't meet any of the ones I'd hope to accomplish last 6 weeks.
Have been trying to figure out next steps after move. And also plant as much doubt as possible.
Flow, I saw this thread, just have to figure out what my goals are going to be. As I prepare for my move, I spend hours and hours reading the boards. Seeing how others are doing, and planning next attack. This is war! I'm fighting for my H, and hopefully the stronger, better M that comes after.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
My H was in shambles too when he realized he would never ever have the lifelong friendship he thought he would with me after he cheated on me and left me.
Honestly, it had no bearing on his affair. In fact, once his GF learned that I would have nothing to do with him she became extremely aggressive and to this day is still very aggressive (two years later).
I think for most WAS they aren't so sad about *who* the friendship is ending with but more they no longer have a solid, stable, loving "crutch" in their life that used to be unconditional.
While this seems unkind if your H was THAT broken up by not having YOU around (instead of *something* stable) he would have ended the affair.
The WAS mindset is fantasy (lifelong friends with spouse, GF, no consequences). The quickest fantasy they drop is the lifelong friends one.. the affair usually "wins".
I read your post to others and try to apply relevant advice to my sitch. You give great advice, so I'm pleased you're here. 
But I didn't think it was b/c I was doing good.