I feel like I should clarify that I've done more than just sit around an complain, talk, cry, demand etc to change the situation. I've been dealing with this lackluster relationship for a decade already.
what may be different of my sit than others in this forum is that my h was involved with another woman for at least 2 1/2 years 6 months of which we were seperated and h was adimant that he wanted a divorce.
trouble is this woman didn't just appear in that 2 1/2 years she became a customer of h's at least 10 years ago.
I no longer trust him, like him, etc.
I don't want to DO anything anymore to fix things...why should I? I've been trying to make this r work for the past 15 years...I've been listening to his excuses all along and doing my best to just be happy with what little I do get.
I know it's not right to hold onto grudges but the record shows that this man cares little for my feelings.
when I was first preg with son (now 5) I was spotting and not being fully knowledgable in pregnacy issues feared a misscarage...h went to work I went to the er (by the direction of the doctor I spoke to on the phone) ALONE.
years later while preg with dd I went past my due date and needed to go into the hospital for a few tests...h went to work..I went ALONE.
the night h brought me and dd home from the hospital he no sooner walked us in the door and took off for work despite the fact that we planned to have dd at a time of year that we usually took vacation so he wouldn't have to work and could be around to help with son and dd.
when I would drive down for prenatal visits on the way home I'd call or stop by h's work so he could at least see son awake...when I'd ask if he had lunch or wanted to grab a bite with us (not just to eat but to spend the 10 min or so with son and me) he declined.
what makes all this worse is the fact that he had no problem leaving work to drive ow to a cancer treatment, meet her for lunch regularly etc.
This man is capable of being there for someone...with me he chooses to just pay the bills.
we are not compatable and it goes deeper than just the surface sex issue. In fact I think if I were someone else (perhaps more like ow) he would be more affectionate, attentive etc.
It matters not if I ignore him, shower him with love and affection, go about my business happily...
we are just rotting away and he doesn't seem to care.
I tried to address these issues before I discoverd ow and he left...when he came home it seemed like he understood that there was more to a m than just paying the bills and mowing the lawn but that revelation was lost.
I don't want to try anymore...I'm just biding my time.
I don't remember if I have asked you this before, but is he still in contact with the other woman?
Also, did the two of you workout the issues in your marriage that contributed to the marriage being weak for an affair?
I am sorry that you are still hurting.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I don't remember if I have asked you this before, but is he still in contact with the other woman?
Hi NOPkins, as far as I know she's not a customer anymore and they don't speak. But what do I know? it took over a year of him seeing her regularly before I was told about it only because he was seen with her by one of my family friends. When he came home I requested that he no longer work for her but he refused to do that instead worked for at least another season before she may have stopped his services. Supposedly during that time he would call and let her know when he'd be there so she could not be home while the yard was being serviced. A bunch of BS if you ask me. I wouldn't be totally surprised if I took his keys one night (while he's asleep on the couch) and drove down to his shop and took a look in his safe and found a recent b-day card or something.
Also, did the two of you workout the issues in your marriage that contributed to the marriage being weak for an affair? no, h just basically took the stand that he had been under stress and made a mistake.
I am sorry that you are still hurting.
I'm sorry to but don't know what to do about it anymore.
I have been studying affairs for the past 6 months or so. I am sure that you have studied them longer. Regardless, It is my understanding that continued contact in any form is a basic 'reset' to the recovery timer.
I recall being pretty frustrated for your situation months ago when we were talking. Rereading just this thread leads me to believe that you two have never really recovered from the affair.
Is your husband remorseful for the affair?
Does he reassure you by his actions that he is not in contact with this woman?
It is also very likely that there were preexisting conditions in your marriage, weaknesses if you will, that left your marriage vulnerable to an affair. Have those been corrected?
What is your 'gut feeling' about your husband - is he still in an affair?
It took me a while to learn that I had played a major role in my previously sex starved marriage. At first, I was certain that the problem was all my wife. I was wrong. We are now doing great, and she reads and posts here as well (MrsNOP).
I'm NOT saying the affair was your fault, that bad choice was strictly his. I just don't think that your marriage can be recovered until the affair and all its ugly parts have been dealt with.
Good sex will come with a good relationship. It is amazing to me the number of posts I have seen (including mine) that claim a good relationship, all except the sex. So far, I have come across no one here that actually matched that description. If the sex isn't good, then neither is the relationship.
Anyway, please let me know what you think.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
not really or at least he doesn't express remourse and infact has changed his tune and no longer accepts "affair" as a definition of his relationship with ow.
Does he reassure you by his actions that he is not in contact with this woman?
absolutely NOT.
It is also very likely that there were preexisting conditions in your marriage, weaknesses if you will, that left your marriage vulnerable to an affair. Have those been corrected?
On my part YES on his part NO
What is your 'gut feeling' about your husband - is he still in an affair?
"gut feeling" yes if not her then another
I'm NOT saying the affair was your fault, that bad choice was strictly his. I just don't think that your marriage can be recovered until the affair and all its ugly parts have been dealt with.
I am at fault because I wanted my h to spend time with me and son and he chose not to so I complained, nagged etc. I am at fault because h would always be late getting home and I'd express my displeasure with it. I am at fault becuase I wanted a second child. I am at fault because I wanted a cat to replace the one that died before we moved. I am at fault because I said I do.
So now I just shut up and let him do what he wants.
Good sex will come with a good relationship. It is amazing to me the number of posts I have seen (including mine) that claim a good relationship, all except the sex. So far, I have come across no one here that actually matched that description. If the sex isn't good, then neither is the relationship.
exactly!! if there is no relationship there will be no sex. So looking at the lack of sex as the problem is like putting a bandaid on a gross bleed. This r needs lots of work but only one of us is willing to put any time or effort into it so....
Do you want to recover your marriage, or let it go?
I have no doubt that you are tired of this fight. You have been at it a long time. I don't believe that your marriage is over though, at least until you have had enough.
If your 'gut' tells you that he is doing more of the same, then I would believe that he is doing just that.
It is not your fault that he is doing what he is doing. I do think that spouses BOTH contribute to the state of the marriage, but it stops there. A bad choice is a bad choice, and an affair is a bad choice. As long as your husband is in any kind of contact with another woman, then your marriage is going nowhere, and nothing is going to resolve.
There are a number of different approaches for ending affairs and restoring marriages. I guess that you have tried some of them.
If you feel up to it, let me know where you are and where you want to go. If I can help in any way, I will certainly try.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
