I would strongly reccomend celebrating withOUT your huband's involvement.
Back to my earlier point though, as your husband exposes his affair as a mere friendship, you need to combat that as exposure of his affair... NO one is going to believe HIM if YOu are telling everyone he's lying and that he's sleeping with her.
You need to get the word out on two points :
1. My husband is sleepign with this woman, he's lying to you when he says' they are just freinds. 2. I WANT my MARRIAGE. I need HELP from everyone to PRESSURE my husband to END the affair and ACT like a RESPONSIBLE PARENT and HUSBAND. PLEASE INTERVENE and TELL them both you are ashamed of them and that you don't want to be AROUND THEM.
The people that he's telling aren't supporting you as much as they could be... you could work on educating them more on how they can HELP YOU... don't trust people to know how to handle this well.. Most people are terribly ignorant about this sort of thing... the education just isn't out there... too many hollywood movies romanticizing the whole thing...
Allen A, I think your right about me monitoring his phone records. I think it is turning into an obsession for me. It's the first thing I think of when I get up, and I check as soon as I get to work. If I see they talked the day before, it ruins my whole day. On the day's they don't talk, I'm in a better mood. How can something have that much control over my moods. However, it's my only form of intel right now.
Several people, family and friends know about the OW. However, it seems that most people want to stay out of it or they believe my H because I don't have proof that they were doing anything other then talking. I swear I seen them kissing, but it was so dark I can't be sure. For me, no matter what I seen I believe this is an A (EA or PA) but it doesn't matter to me either way, it's the same betrayel.
I agree, hollywood has made this type of behavior acceptable.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, your H is in an A and unfortunately this is going to take a loooong time to work out if there is a chance for reconciliation. I'm worried that you're getting sucked into the minutiae of "affair busting" and affair monitoring. This is not healthy for you.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I feel like such a fool with them talking like that and me still wanting to work on the M.
Your H is the fool. We all know that.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I did pretty good at GAL this weekend and had a ton of fun. But I have bday coming up this Thursday, and I'm not sure I'm up for celebrating. Sorry just a really depressing day.
hugs to you mb. I've had a lot of lame birthdays...but not this year! I posted this in Kalni's thread:
Originally Posted By: flowmom
My birthday is 3 days after yours and I've made plans with 3 friends to go out to dinner and listen to jazz. I'm going to look sexy, I'm going to have fun, I'm going to have my friends make a fuss over me, and I'm going to do something that I haven't done in years. Your birthday is your day and no one can take that away from you. I challenge you to plan a birthday for you, with all the energy and love that a doting mother would devote to doing that for her child.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
You need to educate his friends and yours... Staying out of it is tantamount to endorsing his wreckless behaviour... Honestly, once you reach even 21 years old people should know better.
I know they don't want to offend your H, but they need to realize speaking up is HELPING HIM... he's ruining his marriage and his family... They need to understand that. I would like to believe if you pressed them to pressure him to act responsibly they would say something to him... He has children and a wife, they just need some urging to speak up...
Don't show ANY DOUBT about his affair to them, that's enough for them to stand back... their confidence comes from YOURS.
If you tell them his spending time with her is hurting you and you would like them to say something to him I would like to believe they would do something... don't be afraid to ask for that help... educate where you feel you can.
The phone records are not particularly informative right now though.. that's the problem... without more info its hard to really conclude much from it... I would reccomend at the moment that you stop monitoring his phone records... I can't see much benefit from it...
NOW, once he tells you he isn't in contact anymore, THEN that intel is vital.
I would seek out your friends for the intel you need, and educate them on threats to marriage at the same time... Surely they must understand how harmful a married man with marital problems hanging out in private with another woman is dangerous and unhealthy.... Its got to be obvious to some of them...
I did have one friend that told him that talking to OW and seeing her was hurting me. This was before the OW's family got that letter. He told my friend that he had stopped talking to her, but for some reason (he couldn't explain) he didn't want me to know that. I think it's that control issue he blames me for. And according to the phone records, it did stop for about 2 weeks. However, since the letter it has gotten worse then before. I think I will stop checking for now. I know they have other ways of talking such as IM and email that I can't track any way.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
your right about me monitoring his phone records. I think it is turning into an obsession for me. It's the first thing I think of when I get up, and I check as soon as I get to work. If I see they talked the day before, it ruins my whole day. On the day's they don't talk, I'm in a better mood. How can something have that much control over my moods. However, it's my only form of intel right now.
Couldn't have said this any better....MB...I know...I've been there, I did it for a really really long time each day with my husband especially when the affair was my best friend....with the others I still checked but wasn't as obsessed. I agree with everyone that it isn't helping. I would stop, yes you are right. Looking back I wish I would've sooner. Could have spared myself A LOT of days of anguish, etc. Yes, exactly my mood was based off of his cell phone records...I know what you mean. I get it. But I realized I shouldn't have and can't (in the future) give someone that much control of myself and mood. I think the best thing you can do which I think you have realized too is to stop checking. At some point the affair is going to fizzle out, especially that it has been exposed. I wish peace for you I know this isn't easy I'm still working through it. Each day I work towards more and more inner peace with myself, thoughts, decisions, feelings. I'm here for you if you need to talk.
Nikblondiew Thank you for sharing. Even with what I said yesterday, I checked firs thing this morning. He talked to her a ton yesterday and even called his lawyer and then called her right after. I hate this whole mess.
Yesterday I had a friend knock some since into me. Stop being nice to him, he is just playing you and you are letting him. At first I was mad at her, but then it hit me that she was right just like all of you have been telling me. It's time for me to stand up for myself, and not let this a$$ walk all over me anymore.
The NC hasn't been working very well, with work, school, and kids I can't really go hide out at my safe place. However, I suddenly feel stronger then I ever have during this whole thing. I've been so worried about ignoring him and making sure I was really nice to him. And get this, telling him I believe that he is just friends with OW. I'm done doing that. I will see him tonight after school. If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that" and "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk". PLEASE advice on this?
I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would strongly reccomend celebrating withOUT your huband's involvement.
Back to my earlier point though, as your husband exposes his affair as a mere friendship, you need to combat that as exposure of his affair... NO one is going to believe HIM if YOu are telling everyone he's lying and that he's sleeping with her.
You need to get the word out on two points :
1. My husband is sleepign with this woman, he's lying to you when he says' they are just freinds. 2. I WANT my MARRIAGE. I need HELP from everyone to PRESSURE my husband to END the affair and ACT like a RESPONSIBLE PARENT and HUSBAND. PLEASE INTERVENE and TELL them both you are ashamed of them and that you don't want to be AROUND THEM.
Yep -- BINGO. This. ^
I would advise you to stop monitoring his cellphone usage, or perhaps discipline yourself to check it 1x/week, save the data, and then wait another week before peeking. It's not confirming anything you don't already know, and it's messing with your good PMA and GAL.
I was the same way - tiptoed for nearly two years. Wow stupid girl Nikki. I felt the same way when friends would say that to me 'they don't understand, easy for them to say, etc' but the truth of the matter they are right. They are thinking clearly and logically. Often times we get too wrapped up (at least I did) in what my H was doing I forgot to worry about care for myself. My H was and is taking advantage of me and I won't tolerate that anymore. I too was soooo terrified of the D but now it's a certainty. There is no way I can go back after all the lies and betrayal. The past week or so I've been working on my thoughts and dealing with them.....accepting that the divorce is happening and I don't have to be so scared of it. It's a chance at a new peaceful life and although I may be alone at least I won't be anyone's doormat.
I think whatever it is you decide I'd hold to it and stay strong. As long as he's still talking to the OW there is no point in discussing anything in my opinion.
Yesterday I had a friend knock some since into me. Stop being nice to him, he is just playing you and you are letting him. At first I was mad at her, but then it hit me that she was right just like all of you have been telling me. It's time for me to stand up for myself, and not let this a$$ walk all over me anymore.
The NC hasn't been working very well, with work, school, and kids I can't really go hide out at my safe place. However, I suddenly feel stronger then I ever have during this whole thing. I've been so worried about ignoring him and making sure I was really nice to him. And get this, telling him I believe that he is just friends with OW. I'm done doing that. I will see him tonight after school. If he says one word to me about us (which is usually "I can't see how it will ever work"), I want to say "It's not going to work as long as you believe that" and "Your relationship with this OW is hurting me and the rest of the family. When your done with her and agree to NC, we can talk". PLEASE advice on this?
I've never really done this with him before; because I was always so afraid he would run straight to his L and file the papers. However, now I know that no matter what his reaction, it's out of my control. And I'm no longer afraid of D.
MB,
Replace the word "nice" with the word "civil," and you will have how you should be treating him.
As for the rest of your post, you are DEAD ON. By agreeing with his "just friends" b.s., you are enabling his poor decisions, and hurting yourself and your own family. Time to lose the fear, and do what you have to do, in my opinion.
See Pearlharbor's and Britt 54's threads for powerful examples of what "I've had enough" can do for your resolve.
