Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[cat04]

So I will end up D'vd with no hope of reconciliation.

Do you have a crystal ball?

He is not living at home and I have no interaction with him.

You seem to have quite a bit of interaction with him actually. Just not positive interaction.

Or is his clear/confident behavior (he doesn't even listen to reason) a cover up for his insecurities and unhappiness and he is not talking to anyone close to him.

I am not so sure what you see as clear and confident behavior in this whole situation. A few days ago, you said he wanted to move back home into a spare room.

Then he wanted to go through the house room by room.

I see a lot of talk and very little action what so ever and the actions and words do NOT match up IMO.

I just don't want to think I have blinders on...

While you don't have blinders on, you appear to be looking at each action as separate and equal actions. In MLC you CANNOT do that.

DU,

You have asked quite a few very good questions. And you have received some very good responses.

The MLCer is in pain.

More pain than you can imagine, which is what makes them begin to act in the way that they do.

Then as their actions begin to show consequences, even if it is just hurting those that they love, that creates guilt within them.

Negative feelings are NOT something that they can deal with well. So they will try to find a way to just end that negative stuff as quickly as possible. Hence D.

Eventually, they MAY see it differently. Then it becomes a situation of them learning their lessons the hard way.

You have no children, so that may be a concept that is a little difficult to grasp just because you don't have the experience.

So here is an example...

When my S was small, he tried to help while I was cooking but he was not really tall enough to reach the stove. I explained to him that it was hot and he could get burned and he needed to wait until he was a little bit bigger.

Well, he is smart, he got a stool. He could reach.

He didn't understand burned, he had never been burned before. I let him help.

He lost his balance a bit, and reached out for something to steady him. He touched the very hot pot and got burned. It hurt. NOW he understood.

But it was his lesson to learn the hard way.

You can try to reason with them. To explain your point of view.

But with MLC, it works about as well as it does with children.

They need to learn this the HARD way.

Even if they are not the only ones who get hurt...

No one knows right now what the outcome will be.

Your friends and family, want to see you stop hurting. They want you to move on and find happiness.

You can do that without quitting on your M yet. You are at the very beginning of this journey.

There may come a day where you can look in the mirror and say with no more than some simple sadness, that your M is over, but today is not that day. Today, you are just looking for a way to end the pain and resign yourself to it without doing the work.

It is counter intuitive. MLC.

Yes to make a M work, usually you need two people working at it.

However, with MLC, that will not happen for a long time.

So do you cut and run and try this again with someone new?

While the new person may not ever have a MLC, trust me, you have not worked through your issues enough to keep them from affecting a new R and you will go through much of the same struggles.

However, IF you let your H float in the wind for now, even if a SA is needed and completed, IF you work on yourself and take your own journey, instead of running from the pain, running out of fear that the outcome may NOT be a restored M, YOU will be able to have a healthy and stable R either with your H when he wakes up, or with someone else.

Go dark. But not as a punishment for your H. Not as a ploy to get him to come home. Do it and take the time to get to know and heal yourself. Without the interaction from him clouding your perspective of yourself.

Remove yourself from the drama so that you can put the focus where it belongs for now.

ON YOU.

You have power in your life, in your situation.

If you CHOOSE to take it.