It is blatantly obvious that at minimum we have communication issues.
as far as going to a c with h? we did that when he first came home after seperation. To say it was non productive is putting it nicely. H seemed to think we were supposed to go there and say everything is going great or good and then leave. If I dare attempt to bring up any of the issues I had with the r (since after all he wasn't open to discussing them at home) he shut down and/or got pissy.
I don't see what a c could do for the sex issue when he adimantly refused the c's suggestion that we set asside some time each week for us.
here's to hoping h falls asleep on the couch tonight!
I'm so sorry to see you still trying to find answers to these unanswerable questions. You have a husband who's priority is not you or his family but his work. He's a work-a-holic and very selfish with his time and emotional energy to you and the kids. Sometimes I thought that he might turn about and realize how he is killing your spirit and his relationship with the kids, but the hope was very short-lived.
Are you willing to live like this until the kids are older? What do you need to do for yourself?
A counselor CAN help you with the sexual issues. But first you have to wade through all of the underlying crappola that is in your way...it sucks, but it's true.
I only tell you this because I know without a shadow of a doubt that if my H hadn't continued to see his C (after we went together for a bit) that we wouldn't have improved our communication...which in turn made us feel closer to each other...and now we're at a place where we're able to work on the sexual issues that we have.
My H approached the C with a very defensive attitude...he'd answer her questions, but just barely...she managed to get around it though. One thing I've got to mention to you though is that if you do go back to a C...bring up the issues whether it pisses him off or not. Or make appointments to see the C without him there, so you can talk about this issues and clue the C in to the real problems without feeling like you're going to be attacked by your H as well.
Don't give up...there really is hope for you guys. My H was so defensive at first and then our C actually got him to say what he was doing to me/our marriage without him even realizing it, until it was already out of his mouth. Once he heard it from his own lips it was like an epiphany happened for him....so really, don't give up
On the other side of this. How are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a life for yourself outside these issues? Do you have friends to spend time with (especially in activities that don't involve complaining about spouses)? You sound tired, hurt, defensive and miserable. Your H is a very long way from being able to help on ANY of these even if he suddenly saw the light or any part of it.
That's absolutely right (as I see it)...you've got to deal with your own issues as well. Your hurt feelings (and we all have those), the feelings of rejection etc.
Do some soul-searching and find out what makes you feel good about yourself (that you can do, don't rely on him for this). Whether it's working out at the gym...to get those endorphins cranking, spending time with the kids, whatever. Just try to get yourself out of your funk.
It's really hard to try to work on your marriage and give things a real chance to work for you if you're in a bad mood...know what I mean? I know it's not an easy thing to do, but try.
I know it sounds really corny but for me...I literally look in the mirror each day and say affirmations that work for me. It at least gets me going on the right track.
Quote: A counselor CAN help you with the sexual issues. But first you have to wade through all of the underlying crappola that is in your way...it sucks, but it's true.
I understand the concept of a c being able to help but...you can lead a horse to water...
In order to get my h to go to a c with me after our seperation (and almost d, ow etc) I had to call a d lawyer and schedule an appointment (if I do that again I wont be cancelling the appointment) and once there h had little if anything to say other than everythings going fine, trying to adjust etc.
I'm not afraid of tackeling the issues h just seems to think they'll go away on their own without any talk, effort, action etc.
Though going to a c alone may be benificial it may also be counterproductive...I can very easily paint a picture that shows h and I aren't very compatable and married for the wrong reasons that even a c would take as valid and true. Plus let's face it..if I go to a c myslef I am their patient and they should advise me to do what's best for me not the m or the family.
Quote: Don't give up...there really is hope for you guys. My H was so defensive at first and then our C actually got him to say what he was doing to me/our marriage without him even realizing it, until it was already out of his mouth. Once he heard it from his own lips it was like an epiphany happened for him....so really, don't give up
trouble is h has had several epiphanies...things change for a short while but they never seem to last.
On the other side of this. How are you taking care of yourself? very well. Do you have a life for yourself outside these issues? I started a book club that meets monthly rotating homes, I've started a mom's night out club that goes out monthly for dinner, dancing, drinks, karaoke, etc. I joined the local volunteer ambulance co, became and emt and attend montly training meetings, I have play dates with the kids, I get together with my "childhood" friends pretty regularly (at least a handful of times per year) I've got a pretty active life. just joined a dinner club (this one may be better than the rest because it's couples so h will join at least most of the time) that will meet monthly rotating homes. Your H is a very long way from being able to help on ANY of these even if he suddenly saw the light or any part of it. I'm not expecting my h to act as a cure all for all that may ail me I'm simply expecting him to be a friend, lover, husband not just a breadwinner.
lostlove wrote << What do I need to do for myself? upgrade they toy in my nightstand to a battery powered one >>
Yes, get the battery powered one and think of Honeypot's imaginary "Hank" if you have to. I know the real thing from our spouse is what we all want. If you get the new toy rember we are all thinking about you.
Sorry to see you in such a frustrating position.
OG Lou Nothing personal about or from me intended. Just want you to know you have cyber friends.
Quote: trouble is h has had several epiphanies...things change for a short while but they never seem to last.
This quote right here is exactly why you continue to go to the C.
Everything you said in your post to me...about being able to lead a horse to water...your H pretending everything's ok. I've been there, lived it, done that...unfortunately. I think many of us have...you aren't alone.
But bear with me here...in reading your posts it seems you've got a pretty self-defeatest thing going on. The way it comes across (to me anyway) is that you feel nothing you will do will make a difference...so why try? Am I right about that? I know many of us have felt or still feel that way at times.
You know...going to C just for yourself (and I'm not trying to tell you what to do here) can be a good thing...and not counter-productive if you choose to go for yourself, as long as the picture you paint to the C is a truthful one you are being true to yourself and your family. My C assumed my H must have good qualities afterall...I was there, trying to save my marriage...not have her validate reasons for leaving him.
When I went to C on my own my C tried to help me with my approaches towards my H. Yes, it's true that if you go on your own you are their patient...but they will try to help you with your problem (i.e. marital problems). Whether it be your approach to your H, the lack of communication between the two of you...whatever the problems are that exist between the two of you. But perhaps the C needs to begin with what's going on inside of you...and that's ok. I'm willing to be you have a lot of stuff pent up that needs letting out.
I'm sure you've read many of the posts on here so have no doubt you've seen where plenty of us have told others that you can't sit back and wait on your spouse to change, change has to begin with you. If you can start doing something for yourself (C, working out, painting..whatever) to make yourself feel better your husband is bound to notice a change in you and wonder what's up.
Try that 180 approach, but be your normal nice self about it...he's going to start wondering what's going on.
Am I making any sense here? I'm working on about 2-hrs sleep LOL. So I could just be rambling LOL.
