My husband wants a D. There is nothing I can do. I feel like I need to give him whatever he wants. I feel like I am going crazy even though he is the MLCer.
I have decided to go dark beginning right now. My family, while I live them, tells me that is no hope and I need to face the facts. He goes overseas soon and I am scared that he will not come around and leaves without a word being said to one another.
I feel totally alone in all of this. He will NOT talk to me, told me that I annoy him constantly by just the sound of my voice and that's why he doesn't call. How can he say this?
I want this marriage, but not sure how much longer I can expose myself to his disdain and anger. I am losing faith and this forum is one of my only outlets because everyone here seems to understand. My friends, family, and even H say that just need to stop having false hopes and get on with my life. Stop crying they say...
I cry every night. This is the 3rd night in a row that I have slept less than 3 hours. Fellow DBing friends, how can this ever get any better? This is hopeless and I DO NOT want to he here anymore..
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
If your H is anything like mine, as soon as he walked out the door he considered us not married anymore. My H even went as far as to say he never cheated on me physically until the day he left and moved in with ow. Like it was OK then because he had left.
My H at first was clearheaded at work, but lately it has been mentioned to my S26 (who works at the same place)that his dad has been acting strange as far as memory lapses, etc. The stress seems to be affecting him.
Go dark on him. It's harder with kids, but do it as much as you can. Let him see what he is missing. If you don't want a D, let him handle it. Use this time to figure out what you want. Take your own journey, focus and work on you. Try to detach from your H's drama as much as possible. You can't fix this for your H. It has to be his work from the inside out. Patience is the key for you.
I know that all seems hopeless and horrible right now. You have to try to take a deep breath and step back from the venom that is being put out by your H. I know that he seems rationale and clear headed bit that is all the DEPRESSION that is speaking for him right now.
How is the reading of the resources going?
MWD has a video on MLC. If you go to the top of the page it says Micheles blog. You can watch the video there. I know that it helped me. I thought Michele had been transported into my house and was talking straight to me.
You know how I feel about you going dark. DO IT!!!
Then we have to work on you GAL. You have to do some fun stuff just for you. Take a bubble bath. Go to the movies. Tell me something that you like that is fun.
Your focus has to be elsewhere.
If you need to vent you can come here and we will listen.
Are you on the alt? Make that your first GAL activity. Become a fan of Divorce Busting(this web site) Tell me when you have done that and we will find you and become your friend.
You need to regain control of your life....You are enabling him to control it at the moment. You have made one very good observation you are correctly on your own....if you focus on getting divorced you will still be on your own. What you need to be working on is STANDING on your own.
How did you do when your H was deployed before? Work on getting your mind set to think he is deployed (well his mind is at the moment) and treat your world the same. He is deployed and may or may not come back.....either way you need to stand on your OWN!
So I will end up D'vd with no hope of reconciliation.
Do you have a crystal ball?
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He is not living at home and I have no interaction with him.
You seem to have quite a bit of interaction with him actually. Just not positive interaction.
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Or is his clear/confident behavior (he doesn't even listen to reason) a cover up for his insecurities and unhappiness and he is not talking to anyone close to him.
I am not so sure what you see as clear and confident behavior in this whole situation. A few days ago, you said he wanted to move back home into a spare room.
Then he wanted to go through the house room by room.
I see a lot of talk and very little action what so ever and the actions and words do NOT match up IMO.
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I just don't want to think I have blinders on...
While you don't have blinders on, you appear to be looking at each action as separate and equal actions. In MLC you CANNOT do that.
DU,
You have asked quite a few very good questions. And you have received some very good responses.
The MLCer is in pain.
More pain than you can imagine, which is what makes them begin to act in the way that they do.
Then as their actions begin to show consequences, even if it is just hurting those that they love, that creates guilt within them.
Negative feelings are NOT something that they can deal with well. So they will try to find a way to just end that negative stuff as quickly as possible. Hence D.
Eventually, they MAY see it differently. Then it becomes a situation of them learning their lessons the hard way.
You have no children, so that may be a concept that is a little difficult to grasp just because you don't have the experience.
So here is an example...
When my S was small, he tried to help while I was cooking but he was not really tall enough to reach the stove. I explained to him that it was hot and he could get burned and he needed to wait until he was a little bit bigger.
Well, he is smart, he got a stool. He could reach.
He didn't understand burned, he had never been burned before. I let him help.
He lost his balance a bit, and reached out for something to steady him. He touched the very hot pot and got burned. It hurt. NOW he understood.
But it was his lesson to learn the hard way.
You can try to reason with them. To explain your point of view.
But with MLC, it works about as well as it does with children.
They need to learn this the HARD way.
Even if they are not the only ones who get hurt...
No one knows right now what the outcome will be.
Your friends and family, want to see you stop hurting. They want you to move on and find happiness.
You can do that without quitting on your M yet. You are at the very beginning of this journey.
There may come a day where you can look in the mirror and say with no more than some simple sadness, that your M is over, but today is not that day. Today, you are just looking for a way to end the pain and resign yourself to it without doing the work.
It is counter intuitive. MLC.
Yes to make a M work, usually you need two people working at it.
However, with MLC, that will not happen for a long time.
So do you cut and run and try this again with someone new?
While the new person may not ever have a MLC, trust me, you have not worked through your issues enough to keep them from affecting a new R and you will go through much of the same struggles.
However, IF you let your H float in the wind for now, even if a SA is needed and completed, IF you work on yourself and take your own journey, instead of running from the pain, running out of fear that the outcome may NOT be a restored M, YOU will be able to have a healthy and stable R either with your H when he wakes up, or with someone else.
Go dark. But not as a punishment for your H. Not as a ploy to get him to come home. Do it and take the time to get to know and heal yourself. Without the interaction from him clouding your perspective of yourself.
Remove yourself from the drama so that you can put the focus where it belongs for now.
ON YOU.
You have power in your life, in your situation.
If you CHOOSE to take it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
DU- I am so feeling what you are going through! Do your research hun! I kept blaming myself and felt like a total failure and I still have moments where I just sit down and cry. But, those moments are not as many as they were. My L told me that it would be easier if my H had died (not that she was condoning anything...lol) but that emotionally it would be easier to accept. It is harder to accept that they are choosing to leave us/family. I think you are by yourself too much. Keep busy, go out with friends...have fun! It really will help!
Watch the video-thanks for posting OP!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Seeking Answers, OPM, LFW, and Cat, and CW - Thank you.
I was feeling so down and I know I should be feeling better, it has been 2 months since he has been gone and I guess I had hoped that he would have "stuck to" his words in moving back in. But he says he can be in the same house with me. I KNOW I ALLOW myself to be hurt by him and HIS WORDS of (1) Divorce, (2) "You're not right for me, (3) "I made a mistake", (4) "You will be okay", and (5) "I have been wanting to do this for a while".
I guess I see any SA as the end because he can get the D while he is deployed.
I want my M and I do think it is too early to give up on that, but it is not too early to give up on feeling sad all of the time. I joing the alt (look for the picture of the blue butterfly). I am friends with ericmsant2/hope2luv.
While he called me this morning and I picked up, I am going dark as of this moment. I know I can do this, but I seem to keep doing the OPPOSITE of what I want to do.
Thank you SOOO very much for your encouragement. I tried to watch the video a few minutes ago. having a problem with the link. I will try at lunch today.
A friend called and asked me to have dinner this week. I will have to take him up on it.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
There is absolutely, absolutely nothing wrong with crying.
It may actually be alittle easier on you with him deployed.
About friends and family, none of they're business, I get as frustrated with them as I do with my wife.
I defend my wife daily, kids, family, atty, IC, co-workers etc.
No one gets it, MLC is different, finally some family members are noticing the deer in the headlight look my wife has.
It really isn't them, but what they do to us and themselves, man I know it hurts.
I want my marriage, but I do not look forward to hearing from my wife, she has done an outstanding job of making me feel worthless, but after reading the resources, I understand it's how her brain is working, it has to be blamed on something, they blame it on us.
For example, my wife, she said "I lost my libido," two days later, she said I took it from her.
My wife said she had no feelings and took a lighter to her forearm, two days later, I pointed that out and she said she the neighbor kid was showing her how to make a smiley face with a lighter and it had nothing to do with her not having any feeling.
I read in other threads they don't remember what they say anyway venom wise, change how you talk to him, don't do it on the phone, text instead.
Over a month ago I made the decision no more emails, texts only, now she made fun with a "yes sir" response to the email, but guess what no more emails.
I struggle with the expecting part of all this, but you don't have to give up, just pray, stay out of the way, and do whatever small thing you can to make you feel good, even if it is just putting laundry away and that's all you did for the day, it is one thing to feel good about.
Feel for you, if you don't understand the advice, then you have the FB or something else, I have been very lucky with the people checking in on me.
How can he say this?