I am not going to go deep into detail about my and my W history, just know there have been A’s on both sides, me ONS and PA 7 years ago, W EA 4 years ago, EA/PA last year till D-Day about her A’s in Dec 2009, I gave her the full honest truth about my A’s in Jan 2010, our M is in it’s 15th Year, we both 39 years old, S 20, D 14, D 9.
So I have been spending tons of time reading all the resources on the internet, forums etc.., found tons of help from www.marriagebuilders.com if you read the forums there you can see my full story under the same user as here in the Surviving an Affair section, I did not know much about how to save a marriage, and I tried to find anything and everything I could out there on the internet about how to survive an affair.
Recently my W told me she had come to the conclusion that she is in what she feels stage 3 of a MLC, I again did not know much about what a MLC is, so again I started reading as much as I could find about what and how to cope with a W in MLC, I have spent mountains of time reading these forums, and have found great inspiration from many of your stories here.
Now my W and myself have not spoken at all about a D, she has not indicated anything in this direction, but has told me she does not know from one day to another what she wants, and thankfully I now have a better understanding of what to expect from these forums, I have started to GAL for myself thanks again to everyone here, also started getting myself back to a health stage I was in long ago, man I let myself go so badly, but this is changing
Right now the only question I have is, when she seems to show feelings towards me do I embrace it, as one day everything feels fine, but in an hour or even the next day she is totally done a 180 and I feel lost again. I have told her I am not going to initiate any physical contact, as it hurts more when I get nothing back as I can n0ot read her mind, is this the right way to approach this.
She has issues from when she was a child, we have spoken about her finding an IC and I do encourage this, but can not make her do it. Do I just leave it for her to sort out, or try keep encouraging her to go to a IC.
Enough for now, I must say thanks for everyone and the replies I have learned so much from on others threads, they make one think a lot clearer than I ever did before.
Sorry you find yourself here, but while your W is going through this there is no better place to be, so welcome.
Seems to me that you're more fortunate than most in that your W recognizes that she's having a MLC. This is a journey that she has to take through completion. Do not try to stop it or delay it as it will come back with a vengence at a later time if it gets interrupted. You can't fix this for her, she has to work through it from the inside out. It takes a while for them to get through the tunnel and for the fog to clear, and when you think they're coming out sometimes they'll run back in. The stages they go through are not clear cut and they can bounce around in them and be in more than one at a time. You will need patience like you never knew possible before.
An IC is an excellent idea, but again not a good idea to push it on her if she's not ready. If she's talking with you, listen and validate. If she starts projecting on you, validate, don't try to defend yourself (it won't do any good)and gives her justification in her mind to do whatever.
You getting in shape again is excellent. Take care of you. This isn't about you, but it affects you and being in good physical and mental health will help you deal with what's going on with your W.
Take this time to take your own journey. Look in the mirror and identify those things in which you need to work on for you. Make the necessary changes, and come out on the other side of this a better person, but do this for yourself. If you're doing it for your W the changes most likely won't stick and she'll see through them. An IC for yourself might be something you want to consider if you haven't.
GAL and detaching is for you. It helps shield you from W's drama.
As far as W showing feelings toward you and what you should do about it, I'll let the more experienced folks here address that. My H shows very little feelings toward me and lives with ow so I don't contend with that. They'll be along shortly to help you out.
You've come to the right place, these folks are the best for helping you navigate the rollercoaster ride.
Take care,
SA
Forgot to add that there are resources at the top of the MLC page which are an excellent source of information.
Thanks, have read most, and keep finding new jems, yeah the comment on changes, they are for me, not for her, I need to be the man I once was, I have had a look in the mirror many times, and things are going to change for me and my family, need to spend more time with my kids also, was an addict to a MMORPG online game for years, sad how when you addicted to something that time consuming how you forget about life.
Welcome to the place nobody wants to be at but it is a great place. Have you read MWD books DB and DR? That is our starting point and you need to read at least the DR book.
I am glad you found the courage to post so I won't hit you with any 2x4's just yet. But when you feel more confidant you can ask?
Some of the other threads have links to the resources and the detach link. Start with the detach link for now.
Sorry you are here but you will find a wealth of information and people on this board.
I will have a look into those books, read the first chapters on the forum on them, will see if the local book stores have them.
We had a long chat yesterday, said a few things, she at last told me she needs some freedom, first time she has said that, and I pointed this out to her, also told her to go do what she feels she needs to do, get out if that is truely what she needs to help her figure out what she wants, but I also told her that I would not give up my kids if she chose to go, do not think that was a wise thing to do, but it is the trueth.
We had a good night after our talk, did not do much R talk, well another day, lets see what today brings.
She also told me she want to spend time alone to see if she can live without me in her life, she spoke about a 2 - 3 day trip, I told her that would not be enough time to figure out if she could live without me in her life, not sure how I should have handled that, just again told her to go do what she needs to do to figure out what she wants, not sure if that was the right thing to say
