As far as finding what works and what doesn't with my h...I'm at a loss. There seems to be no pattern...doesn't seem to be a time of day, time of month, recent activity, clothing, attitude, action, inaction etc. that stirs him...who knows maybe it's just pitty or obligatory sex and that's why it happens when it happens but that doesn't make sense either because often (not always) when h initiates it's because he wants to...either of out simply physical need or some sudden desire/horniness.
Quote: Do you feel that your H is "hiding" emotionally or that he is being "passive-agressive" about sex since you don't really think he is LD.
I think h is hiding emotionally in general and he definetly appears to be a passive agressive person...how these things relate to sex...I still don't know.
Maybe h is none of those things and just has tunnel vision..work, pay bills, clean yard, watch football anything else is outside of that tunnel and therefore unseen/un-thought of by him.
No words of wisdom here. Just wanted to say that I am where you are. My H is definately hiding emotionally and I am also trying to determine if that is because he has to in order to maintain his tunnel vision. He will readily acknowledge the tunnel vision and even sometimes the hiding. He then refuses to discuss how they relate to sex except to shrug his shoulders like "it can't be helped." I too am working on establishing the concept of scheduled sex (I've done ok on some occasional date nights).
Ok...he says he's always beeing this way...a fluxuating libido huh? Does he ever do anything to satisfy you?
See my hubby wouldn't ever go there...unless I said something blatant. And believe me you aren't the only woman out there right now who's sick of initiating...it's tiring, and degrading to be the only one interested isn't it? Not to mention pull-out-your-hair frustrating!!
There are several of us on this board who can definitely empathize with you.
One thing I'm curious about though...and I think Honeypot brought this up too. Have you had a talk with him that states something's got to change or there will be consequences...i.e. moving to another bedroom, moving out when the kids are older etc. Whatever the consequence is you're willing to actually go through with.
I had that talk with my H about a year ago...I told him that I didn't marry him to be virtually celibate and that I was too young to live the rest of my life this way. If we didn't do something we wouldn't be having a 2nd anniversary. That kind of a talk.
It took my being that blunt with my H for him to see I was really serious...something had to change.
Also, I'm assuming you've been reading some of the posts on here...what specifically have you tried out of what you have seen others on this BB try?
I must we must have been posting at the same time as I've just noticed your comments.
Quote: Why don't YOU do something about it? If he's not willing to play the game, then make a drastic move. It seems like your H only responds to drastic measures anyway.
Move out of your bedroom, or something like that. And tell him that these arrangements will stay as is until the kids are older and you can move out.
I don't want to move out of my bedroom really not point either since h usually doesn't make it up to bed if at all (when he does it's usually not til the wee hours when he wakes up) most nights he falls asleep on the couch and I quietly "leave him there to rot".
I've already expressed to him that this is not the kind of m I wish to have for the rest of my life. The kids keep us both here. He was already out once (of his own doing). and is unlikely to leave again unless legally forced and that wouldn't be pretty.
Quote: I think that your H makes no permanent movement toward change because HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. There are no consequences.
What consequences could there be that wouldn't also be consequences for the children and myself?
Ok...he says he's always beeing this way...a fluxuating libido huh? yup, that's his term for it. there have been times when there's nothing for a few months and then poof 4 nights in a row then nothing again for a while. Does he ever do anything to satisfy you? sure sometimes he does but my main needs are often left unmet.
See my hubby wouldn't ever go there...unless I said something blatant. And believe me you aren't the only woman out there right now who's sick of initiating...it's tiring, and degrading to be the only one interested isn't it? Not to mention pull-out-your-hair frustrating!! I don't initiate anymore...tired of being rejected. If h would be accepting more often I would feel more comfortable initiating but...
There are several of us on this board who can definitely empathize with you. and that is why I posted
One thing I'm curious about though...and I think Honeypot brought this up too. Have you had a talk with him that states something's got to change or there will be consequences...i.e. moving to another bedroom, moving out when the kids are older etc. Whatever the consequence is you're willing to actually go through with. the consequences are futuristic. He and I both know I'm not going anywhere til the kids are grown or when I start working and another man pays me some attention.
I had that talk with my H about a year ago...I told him that I didn't marry him to be virtually celibate and that I was too young to live the rest of my life this way. If we didn't do something we wouldn't be having a 2nd anniversary. That kind of a talk. talk is cheap. H has no apparent interst in making any lasting changes. As honey pointed out the only way h does make any change is through drastic measures but those drastic measures just like nice open talks do little for lasting change.
It took my being that blunt with my H for him to see I was really serious...something had to change. I've been more than blunt.
Also, I'm assuming you've been reading some of the posts on here...what specifically have you tried out of what you have seen others on this BB try?
Quote: I've tried talking about it, I've tried not talking about it, I've tried accepting it and looking for expressions of love and affection in other ways from h, I've tried many things and I'm tired of trying...it's frustrating but I've become pretty unmotivated to try anything else.
the only thing I haven't tried (because well let's face it how the hell can I) is to turn the tables and be "too tired" "too busy" "too whatever" when he does get around to initiating.
Quote: I don't want to move out of my bedroom really not point either since h usually doesn't make it up to bed if at all (when he does it's usually not til the wee hours when he wakes up) most nights he falls asleep on the couch
My bf also stays up way past me most nights. When he was drinking (he quit six months ago) it was virtually every night, and he would also fall asleep on the couch. Now he doesn't fall asleep there, but he does stay up on the computer or watching tv until 1-2- or even 3 in the morning. It makes me absolutely furious! I feel that it is another way of avoiding sex. I don't think that's his primary motivation; I think he just needs the time to himself (I understand that) and he's a night person (I also understand that). But the fact is that he does avoid sex this way.
Regarding consequences: whatever you do will have consequences for everyone, but think of this: the way he is being now has consequences for everyone, too. Can you really live this way forever??
Ok...LL that would be what's called a 180 and that does work for many many people. Give it a shot....but...and I'm going to say this as nicely as possible...try to drop the attitude.
I know how you feel, I've been there...I know what this is like...and it SUCKS!!! But I'm here to tell you if you let him see/feel the resentment and anger that you are building up you're just shooting yourself in the foot.
I know you have told us that you've talked til you're blue in the face...so have I, so has Honeypot I'm willing to bet. The fact is we kept taking the wrong approaches. They key (and the difficult thing) is to find the approach that works for you with him. There is one, so try not to despair about this.
You've been reading the posts on here...so you know there are many people in your situation who have had success. I know you've tried and tried and tried with your H. But the key to success is not to quit trying.
My H was not willing to talk to me a year ago, the more I talked the harder he resisted. Why? Because everything I was saying he was taking as an attack, no matter how gently I said it...or how encouraging I was being.
For us it took a C to get through to him...she was able to say basically the exact thing I had been saying to him...but she slid under his radar...he never would have heard what I was saying.
Do you think your H would consider going to a C with you? Honestly, not just a knee jerk reaction response here...if you said I've made an appointment, I'd like you to go with me...would he consider it at least? Because it sounds to me...from what little I've read that at a minimum you two have a communication issue.
Just guessing...take it for what it's worth ;-) GEL
I'm with GEL on this. I got fed up and went to a C on my own. Then I announced my appointment (after the fact) and invited my H to the next one. He was suprised that things had gotten to that point and came to that appointment with a good attitude.
It is blatantly obvious that at minimum we have communication issues.
as far as going to a c with h? we did that when he first came home after seperation. To say it was non productive is putting it nicely. H seemed to think we were supposed to go there and say everything is going great or good and then leave. If I dare attempt to bring up any of the issues I had with the r (since after all he wasn't open to discussing them at home) he shut down and/or got pissy.
I don't see what a c could do for the sex issue when he adimantly refused the c's suggestion that we set asside some time each week for us.
here's to hoping h falls asleep on the couch tonight!
