When I first came to this board I was so excited to finally see information that had things in numbers. I read them but I didn't fully implant them in my mind. I've read the six stages of MLC and I've written the numbers down of how long each stage takes. And then I've done it again and again. Sometimes it helps me and sometimes it doesn't. But I've come up with a different one that helps me. It's much LONGER version.
How long does the MLC take? Depends on whether you are talking transition or crisis. My answer is based on reading, watching, personal experience and sometimes just guessing.
The MLC Transition can take a decade or longer. (That came from a book but I don't remember which one.) Much like that of a person transitioning from age 12 to 21. The decade of a teenager is filled with love, fun, pain and a lot of growing. But we (the adults) manage to love the person going through the transition MOST of the time.
I've raised three teens of my own and they all had to get from age 12 to age 21 (one isn't 21 yet but they will make it). They were all different but they all were similar. One of them loved me one day and hated me the next all the way through (roller coaster), one of them was kind of indifferent, and one of them hated me and yelled at me from about age 15 - 16 and has since taken their time starting to treat me like a human being again. But through it all I loved them and I didn't give up on them.
The MLC Crisis can take 3-5 years. (It's not a typo. That is three to five years.) I compare it to the ages of somewhere between 14 to 18, they either hate us or they don't. And some of them move out of the house just as soon as they can so they can get away from us...but they come back from time to time. And still - we love them. And yes it hurts but we still love them and believe/know that they will grow up and love us again.
Hmmm, sound familiar? (Bet you can't tell whether I'm talking about my kids or my spouse.) Regardless of whether it's your own teenager going through the ages of 12 - 21 or your own spouse going through the ages of 12 - 21 AGAIN the lessons are the same for all. The pain, the growing up, and the love. But few of us walk away from the teenager. And none of us would want to be a teenager again if we didn't have to.
We read over and over again how the MLCer is going through their teen age years again. If we believe that why do so many of us expect the MLC to be shorter in time? Why do I see so many wanting to walk away around the 2 year mark (including myself)?
I want to encourage you not to give up at the 2 or 3 year mark but to continue to hang in there. I know from experience that giving up at the 2 or 3 year period is just too soon to give up. You need to give it more time if you want to save your marriage/relationship.
