I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Gnosis]

Do I wait until she is served before I expose? Should I wait until the spousal support portion of all this gets started and then use exposure as a bargainning chip?

In your case I would wait until the day you file. Your self-preservation comes first.

If I remember correctly... weren't you the one that ran the risk of losing spousal support if she file a restraining-order against you? Yep. So... why are you playing with fire? What use would it do to threaten her? Threats provoke reaction, and her reaction will be less than desirable. Bargaining chip? What are you bargaining with? To get back into your home? To get her back? She's high on 'love' man and deep in it.

Gno's rules of thumb:

1) Protect yourself and your future first
2) Then expose to break the affair
3) Then fight for your marriage if you are still so inclined.

Does this make sense?

[Gnosis]

The reason I say protect yourself first is because when you expose you can expect her to rain 'fire and brimstone' on you. She will threaten and tell you that she was thinking of getting back together, but now that you have exposed you can forget about it.

It's all par for the course. She has already crossed the line. She has admitted it. She wants to get rid of you so she can be with OM. Those are her priorities, wants and desires at this moment in time. Do not be fooled into believing that she is contemplating reconciliation with you or will be any time in the near future.

[GH31]

I'm pretty sure they were separated before OM and my W met.

Don't be so sure.

Why would he be on a cruise without her?

He could easily have lied about going on a business trip etc. It has happened more times than you can imagine.

I agree though, OM W has a right to know and I am happy to tell her. I have her home phone number and I know her FB profile - it seems it would be better to contact her on FB?

Over the phone!

There is a good chance she will thank you for letting her know.

Only use FB if you cannot reach her by phone or if you have irrefutable evidence of her affair that you want to post.

Good luck.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Do I wait until she is served before I expose? Should I wait until the spousal support portion of all this gets started and then use exposure as a bargainning chip?

In your case I would wait until the day you file. Your self-preservation comes first.

If I remember correctly... weren't you the one that ran the risk of losing spousal support if she file a restraining-order against you? Yep. So... why are you playing with fire? What use would it do to threaten her? Threats provoke reaction, and her reaction will be less than desirable. Bargaining chip? What are you bargaining with? To get back into your home? To get her back? She's high on 'love' man and deep in it.

Gno's rules of thumb:

1) Protect yourself and your future first
2) Then expose to break the affair
3) Then fight for your marriage if you are still so inclined.

Does this make sense?

Yep -- this. ^

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thank you GH31 and Gnosis. As far as a bargainning chip I was talking about telling her I would not expose her if she did not contest the spousal support, but I don't want threaten her like you say.

So file then expose - I will follow your rules Gnosis. My #1 goal at this poitn is to protect myself and my future. I'm no longer "in love" with her anymore. I am also very skeptical of reconciliational between us - especially after I expose her. That's why I'm not worried about doing it because I really think that either way she is gone and I might as well take a dump on the cake she has been enjoying.

I guess OM could have lied to his wife so he could go on the cruise. My gut tells me though that they were already S and he was on that cruise trolling. His W and my W actually look a lot alike - which pisses me off.

If I told OM W on FB I would tell her in a private message. But I may not want to leave a written record so over the phone might be better.

I dunno if someone posted it in this thread or where I read it but I love the statistic that only 1% of affairs actually turn into something long term afterwards. Sure if they split she will be on to the next guy but that stat still made me feel good.

[GH31]

Quart9,

Gno's rules of thumb:

1) Protect yourself and your future first
2) Then expose to break the affair
3) Then fight for your marriage if you are still so inclined.

This is superb advice from Gnosis.

As far as a bargainning chip I was talking about telling her I would not expose her if she did not contest the spousal support, but I don't want threaten her like you say.

What are the odds that she will not contest the spousal support?

Definitely worth speaking to your lawyer about that.

Listen to Gnosis' and Puppy's advice on threats. There's no good that can really come of them.

GH31

[Quart9]

Oh I would say the odds will be pretty high that she will contest it. It will be close to half of her monthly pay if my L's calculations were correct. But it may really be up to the court/judge to decide.

[Gnosis]

There are no odds on that one... you can take it as guaranteed. That's why I gave your my rules of thumb for your sitch.

One more tip: Keep your plans as dark as a black hole. NO ONE but your L should know what you're going to do until you've done it.

[SweetCyborg]

Quart9, my heart goes out to you. I've been there, and it was excruciatingly painful. We had an idyllic romance, engagement, marriage, we were (are) best friends.

To be betrayed like that is probably one of the cruelest blows in all of life.

I hope things turn around for your soon. Stick to DB, GAL, go dark and all that other business. Find friends, family for support, and then get ready for the hardest work you're ever bound to do if it is to work out. Forgiveness. It won't be fast, it won't be easy, I'm still working on it two years later.

We're separated again because I hadn't 'burned' all my anger, resentment.

Peace.

[Quart9]

Thank you SweetCyborg for your positive comments and affirmation. I hope to change my way of thinking so that I can have more optimism such as yourself.

I'm really wanting to continue DB'ing just for the self improvement. At his point I'll let God take care of the forgiving - if he wants to.

Its one day at a time now for me, and today: "I's feel'n mighty low." Self doubt, lack of confidence, and good 'ol regret have been hanging out with me today. I'm working on turning those around.

You took her back once - do you think you would do it again (if your anger and resentment were to cease). ?