6months pregnant & husband involved in PA

[Piano]

Ok , I am new to this - so bear with me. My husband (39) of 13 years is leaving me (35) and I am 6months pregnant with our first baby. He dropped the bombshell just after Xmas. He said "Something has happened..." and I knew straight away it was an affair. We had been separated for 3 months as we made the transition from living in France (where he is from) to Australia (he is also an Aust. citizen thanks to living here with me for 8 years in-between our times in France). It's not been uncommon for us to spend some time apart. But two weeks after I left, he was involved in a PA. Of course, I was completely oblivious the whole 3 months, as he kept our daily communication normal. He told me he had had a 5-6 week affair with a childhood friend (they are practically cousins, and I know her well too), but that he'd been fixated on her for months leading up to the affair (so since may 09), that he was very much 'in love' with her ("I love this girl") despite them having 'renounced' their union out of guilt and turmoil 3 weeks before he left France, that he 'loved me' but was not 'in love' with me anymore. He also kept saying that he was 99% sure he "never wanted to live with me ever again" (he said this over and over, with almost anger - but wouldn't really go into the reasons why...?), that he had came back to Australia to tell me face to face, that he had come back with a slight sense of hope for us, which dissipated almost on arrival. I told him to go back to France to test his love with her, but he refused. He said in the first few weeks that his head was full to exploding, and that enough people had told him that he wasn't thinking straight and that he should seek help, and that he wasn't even sure he 'trusted himself'.
After the intitial bombshell,I told him to leave immediately, but 2 days later was back trying to understand, to reason with him, to change him mind. This pushed him away and after one month of that, he went from being unsure to sure he wanted to leave me. He has been living with friends for the last 2 months. We only spent two nights together since he returned. The OP is in France and I thought it was over, and that was giving me hope... Then, still struggling with why he wouldn't give us any ounce of a second chance, I got it out of him ( a really bad fight) that the affair had not ended with the woman in France.. and he even told me he thought she would be prepared to move to Australia to be with him while he welcomes his child into the world. So he is obviously still in "affair/fantasy land". I was outraged.
A bit of family tree background... my husband was abandoned by his father one month after the birth (his dad was 25 at the time, his mother 20..it was an accident, so not quite the same situation) and friends with insight and psychologists (have seen a few since) say he is repeating family history. He doesn't see it this way. He thinks he has seen the light, had a epiphany, even going as far to call it a 'personal revolution' at one point. He thinks this is about 'Eros' - love and he wants to be loved passionately and to love passionately. He says he was unhappy for years, has had doubts about us for years, that he should have left me years ago but stayed to please me and others, but that finally all the doubts have bubbled to the surface and he can't ignore them anymore.
We had reproductive treatment to have this baby. It was his idea, more than mine, and now he leaves me and my family to take all the responsibility. I think unconsciously he is terrified of becoming a father, doesn't know how to do it, but that there is also something in his core which is missing. He says we have different values. That I believe in 'fixing' relationships & he doesn't. He wishes I could be happy without him and thinks I deserve to be loved better.
He has been seeing a psychologist now for about 7 weeks...and although they have covered his family history etc, I have a feeling he is just affirming my hub's wishes to fulfil his desires and convictions. I have seen one myself, to help with the shock, grief, anger, sadness. Recently I found a neonatal and post-natal psychiatrist who I think can address the parenting issues, and by default, since they are inseparable, the couple. I think my hub would be resistant to any form of 'couple counselling' now (we tried it once early on - was a disaster), which leaves either separation counselling or counselling focused on the child which is due in 3 months. He is interested in attending that, but is also job hunting locally and interstate...!!
I have following the DR for about two weeks, have told him he can have his space, that I accept his wish to separate, that I will get on with my own life.
But I am finding it really hard to decide whether or not to keep being patient, or if this game is over and I don't even know it/accept it.
Any advice would be most appreciated...

[Kalni]

Hello Piano,
Welcome to DB! I am sorry you are in this situation. There are many people here that will support and help you get through this. Please repeat this post at the Newcomers area where you will get get more posts. Also, know that weekends are always slow around here.

It sounds like he is deep in limerence. Infatuated. And the responsibilities of a baby can be scary for many men and trigger all sorts of reactions. Dont lose your courage.

Read some threads around here, stay calm and take care of you (and your baby). Patience is a must. It is a long journey. Get prepared.
Good luck
Kalni

[newmama]

Piano, something similar happened to me. He chose to be with her. We are not divorced yet...just separated. It has been almst 11 months now. He is very involved in my S life.

When I read your H's father abandoned him shortly after birth,it makes me think he is freaking out over the responsibilities of being a father and how to be one.

I was so worried that my WH would not be there for our son but he is. It is very hard to detach from him because I see him so often do to him seeing his son. This is good for my son but bad for me!

Here is the very sad but true thing: IF he does not want to be part of your baby's life, then it would be best to divorce him, raise your baby with help of family, and then whenever you are ready, look for a father replacement type/ new potential husband.

So think of that as worst case scenario.

Best case, continue divorce busting (I didn't find it until after S was born) apply no pressure, no R talks,be 100% distant (but if you want him to be inyour S life, I STRONGLY recommend that he is there at the birth so he will bond--every man cries, I swear, when they see their child born!)

So let us know how you are doing at 6 months pregnant! AND I PERSONALLY KNOW what it is like to live alone at 7 months-10 months while pregnant. It was very very very lonely and hard and my dr. told me to take over the counter sleeping pills. I worked, came home, went online, went to sleep. Repeated.

[Piano]

dear newmama, thanks for your support and I am sorry to hear he chose the OP. Di you hope he will return to you?
I have been thinking about whether or not to have him at the birth (if he still wants, that is)..but how do I have the person who hurt me most in the world in the room when I presume I am going to be my most vulnerable and need to feel 'safe'?
Was your partner at the birth of your child?
What do you think about him coming to the neo-post natal psych sessions?
You're right it is very lonely (and sometimes scary, I imagine) going through a pregnancy without your partner... Did you live alone or with family? I was living with my parents waiting for his return to move back into our old apartment (which we had rented out) and have been too shaken to move back in alone..although I am slowly setting it up in case I get the strength. I have been very concerned that not moving in, and staying with my folks, makes me 1. look less strong and 2. makes me less accessible to him should he decide to come around, etc..

[newmama]

Hi Piano,
yes I do want him to come back to me. He sees his S 6 days a week and is over here 4 days/week.

I did have my WH at the birth because I wanted him to bond with S and did not want my S to not have a dad in spite of what WH did to me. Does that make sense? I had him attend labor classes too. I was able to disassociate enough while he was there...in fact I could give a crap about who was in the room! All I was focusing on was getting that baby out, LOL!

SO IF you want him to bond with your baby, yes, do invite him to whatever baby appts. and labor. But do not bring up your relationship. Strange, I know, but you explain that this is about co-parenting your child together.

I recommend that you stay with your parents throughout the pregnancy. I had no where else to go so I just did it alone. The nights scared me because I was always worried about something happening to the baby like early labor. One time I fell in my driveway and called WH but got his voicemail. My nearby aunt was out of town and it was late at night so I felt bad calling the 1 friend in town who knew about my sitch. I drove myself to the hospital. Of course when WH got my message he felt horrible and said he would never turn off his phone again. But stayed with the hobag.

YOU SHOULD STAY WITH YOUR PARENTS! EVERYONE KNOWS that when you are pregnant, you're vulnerable. So you have permission to not appear "strong" in the sense of wanting someone there for you if you need help getting around, etc.

If he decides to come around, he knows where you are.

From 3/31 to 6/30 I saw WH maybe 4 times. I felt strong and had self respect for "kicking him out" and not ever contacting him, although he would come to the house to do stuff while I was gone and wrote me letters about what he did, etc. He did not want to come back though. Once S was born, it all came back and at one point he said he was thinking about returning. Then another point said it wasn't fair to make me wait for him and we should divorce. Nothing has happened though.

(((Piano))) (((hugs)))

[Piano]

hi newmama.. you are very strong. i don't know how you can stand seeing him so much, and reliving the hurt every time. he gets to move on and have what seems to be it all - his girlfriend, and his child.
what's hard is feeling like I was once the centre of his life and now I feel a little like an incubator for his child. he desires the child, but has obliterated me. obliterated might be too strong a word, but you see what i mean. it's awful to feel replaceable by someone you considered your soul-mate for 1 1/2 decades.
i guess you are right about not doing it alone and staying with my folks, but i think i need to show i am getting on with it and strong by the same token.
i had a phone call for the first time with him last night - he would like to come to the neo/post natal psychiatrist with me this thursday to talk about co-parenting, and i guess, 'we' will come up in conversation. i am quite nervous...

[DCBHM]

I don't have much in the way of advice, other than to say the feelings of having a child are something that can scare a man who is not used to having such feelings or is having difficulty adjusting to said feelings.

This does not excuse any behavior he has, nor should it be an excuse for him.

But it is fairly common for an A during pregnancy from what I've read. There is nothing wrong with you, and it isn't because of you.

As much as you can, detach. Recognize that he is not himself and as much as possible recognize that he is a stranger for now. Live your life, do what you must do.

If he wants to be involved in your child's life, by all means encourage it. But don't let him feel like he should stay out of guilt, because that will only exacerbate his feelings.

You are at a vulnerable state, and I am saddened that you have to go through this. You sound like a strong person, and you have a right to feel upset and lost at times. Lean on who you can, even if it helps you here, we will be here to listen and offer helpful advice.

[newmama]

he gets to move on and have what seems to be it all - his girlfriend, and his child.

well it sucks but it isn't about what "HE gets." It's about what our S gets- a mom and a dad, even though it isn't ideal. 2 parents are better than one. Even if Wh had died (which would have been 100% easier), I would remarry so that S would have a father.

Now I know what you mean about being an incubator. My WH told me "I'm ready...let's start a family!" and I got pregnant right away. I realize in your case it involved more intervention, but both of our spouses WANTED this.

It is just hard, Piano. There is nothing nice to say about it. If it weren't for the baby, you could just walk away and never see him again. Same here. So it is hard hard hard.

Now are you sure you want to move out of your parents to "be strong" or is subconsciously to be on your own so your WH will feel bad for you? Sorry for the harsh question. I guess you could always try to live alone andthen move back to your parents. But I just don't understand why you want to hobble around, do everything for yourself when you can barely get up and are exhausted, when someone could kindly bring you a glass of water or cook you a meal or go to the store and get you something.

[Piano]

thanks for advice newmamama...
* i have switched to newcomers...think that's where I am meant to be posting. xx

[Piano]

[quote]Now are you sure you want to move out of your parents to "be strong" or is subconsciously to be on your own so your WH will feel bad for you? Sorry for the harsh question.

before i quit this stream, this is a very good question and i have had to think more about it... i think if i am in the apartment by myself (not with folks) 1. i might prove to myself that i can live by myself for a while at least(of course, when i am heavily, heavily pregnant and if my husband is still AWOL, i will happily go back to the folks - gotta be realistic) and 2. if he does stick around my city and not find work interstate, then he will be more likely to be wondering what i am doing becuase, let's face it, I will probably be forcing myself into a more independent, therefore alluring, lifestyle. Staying with my parents has an infantile quality to it, if you see what I mean. At the same time, I know I can't be superwoman and i need to also consider my needs.
I just have a feeling I will regret it if I don't give living independently a go, at the very least.
hugs xx