DU-I am the same way. I like to fix things and be helpful and have learned the last few days that I am also controlling! I never saw myself that way. As much as we want to fix our H's, we can't. It is out of our control. The sooner you and I accept that, the better off we will be!
Hope today is a better day for you! The sun is actually out here! Woohoo!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
DU, Not all MLCers will want a divorce. Some will just float along and then one day they realize it's time to wake up. Others who have a lot, and I mean a lot of guilt, will want to file immediately.
You are the only one that can determine when you have had enough. No one else can tell you this. This journey is between you and your husband and your family should not be a third party in it. Your husband is on his on individual journey, just as you are now. Your journey is very important, it is one of learning and rediscovering the person you really are. You will rediscover the things that you use to love to do and learn to smile once again. BUT, you have to do the work to get there.
Live your life to the fullest while he's gone. There are no guarantees that he will return, therefore, you must learn to apply each and every lesson that you learn here to make your way int he world and learn how bring forth the happiness within you. No one else can do that for you. If your h should wake up some years down the road and wants to catch w/you, ultimately, you will be the one to determine whether you have grown by leaps and bounds and there is no place for him in your life or you want to reconcile and try again.
Again, it will be your decision how and where your journey will take you in the interim.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H called me after work today to ask and let's just say that things didn't end as well as they could have. I have probably driven him away. We talked for a bit though - we talked about his day, the tax paperwork (which he could not find), he asked me about a couple of sweaters he was looking for, his certified mail, and then he asked when were we going to talk about the D. Well, this just hit me AGAIN like a ton of bricks.
He says he is not interested in reconcilitation talk. I asked him if he had secured a lawyer. He said no, because we "need to divide up everything and put together a separation agreement" before he secured a lawyer, otherwise it would be just a waste of money to put a retainer down now. Then he said, it is in "the best interest of both of us to get this done." I asked why and he said because he did not want to go to Afghanistan with "our situation" on his brain.
Oh, but once again, he continues to ask for my help with everything, which I have always supported. My husband has NEVER been able to locate something he is looking for, even if it was right under his nose. Now I have to scan and fax military forms (that was in the certified mail) and email to him for him to sign and send back to reserve command.
The only positive thing that happened is that my H talked to me for a long time (longer than normal), even though he was upset that I did not want to have the D talk. He even called back to remind me to scan and email the forms and we talked a bit more. Says he does not want to come home because he does not feel good here. I feel that he dislikes me so much that he can't stand the sight of me and that is why he will FILE for D.
I have to go DARK. Now is time. Can someone tell me if this is righ to do at this point?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Yes it is the right time! Also you should do nothing IMHO to help him with the D. Its what he wants, why do you have to do it for him. That makes no sense! If he can't get it together enough to do it that is his problem. Not yours.
I was just thinking about how he constantly wants me to do what he wants and when I question why (as he has done with me in the past), he begins to spew out that I "don't want to have an adult conversation". Now, he says this when yelling.
I believe my H is having a PA (use to think it was EA) even though he continues to deny it. My C, while she is right that she does not know if he is having an affair, asked to to think about whether or not my H could possibly feel guilty about having left in the first place?
Since HE choose to leave, he may be feeling guilty and wants to RID HIMSELF from feeling that way, so he does so by deflecting his guilt onto me. And I have been feeding the deflection! Giving him the ammunition he needs to justify his actions.
Not sure what going Dark will do, but I have never done this so I need to try.
I have decided to leave my family out of it. They say I have false hope and they will not support me by feeding into that. I am committed, but this is really difficult as I am having a hard time thinking about my H being physical with anyone other than me. Goodness!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Question: "Has there been many successes with couples reconciling after MLC and/or separation?" It just seems so impossible that is pointless to hope, try, or wait.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I've been at this for 8 months, can tell you without a doubt, leave him alone.
They're in the resources, but think about all the families that haven't ever made it here, that you hear there was a rough spot and next thing you know they're back together.
I don't have it all down yet, I'm a slow learner, but spend time in the resources.
I'm learning that about all we can do as a spouse, is grieve, pray and do our best to focus on us. And most importantly just stay out of the way!!!
[quote=snodderly]DU, Not all MLCers will want a divorce. Some will just float along and then one day they realize it's time to wake up. Others who have a lot, and I mean a lot of guilt, will want to file immediately.
Can you explain, I asked about that at some point, a week after the bomb, my wife talked about divorce and within 3 months of bomb, filed.
Is my H in MLC? I am beginning to question it? While he is showing the symptoms, he appears very clear headed and confident that he is going to do what he wants and it does not matter what I say. So I will end up D'vd with no hope of reconciliation. He is not living at home and I have no interaction with him.
Or is his clear/confident behavior (he doesn't even listen to reason) a cover up for his insecurities and unhappiness and he is not talking to anyone close to him. I just don't want to think I have blinders on...
Thoughts?
Last edited by DestinyUnknown; 02/23/1003:17 AM.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
My WAH appears very clear headed and confident at work and when talking to his family about the OW being his soulmate when things are going well..he's practiced at acting like nothing is wrong and showing confidence in his choices. It goes back to when he suddenly had to take on adult roles and be strong for his siblings when he was 16. (He had to appear confident to them even though he hadn't a clue how to be a parent to them.) But when things aren't going so great the mask cracks and his sister has told me she doesn't even recognize the man he shows her then. I haven't seen the cracked mask version of him... heard it on the phone, but never to my face. Always the confident smooth talker appears face to face.
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
