Camping with kids=not easy. But the memories later--remember when Joey fell into the fire?? remember when mom was scared by the snake? will make it all worthwhile.
I just did a facilitator with The Work. Wept like crazy. Can't say I'm cured yet, but you know I am always hoping.
I'm going to post over to HHH to check out doing The Work on the Web. If you can't pay for the facilitator, it makes it much easier to go thru the process.
I think I have more faith in that than in a psychic. My .02, anyhow.
Camping with kids=not easy. But the memories later--remember when Joey fell into the fire?? remember when mom was scared by the snake? will make it all worthwhile.
We've always loved camping the kids -- even when they were babies. But doing it as a solo mama? I tried to get up the guts to go with them by myself last summer but chickened out. Part of it is that they wig out in the car. And part of it is that they go off in opposite directions and it's really scary in places where there are terrain hazards and bears. But I'll have to figure it out somehow...it's not fair to my kids to have them miss out on that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flowmom, can you camp with a friend or family member? My friends invited me with S but I won't go tent camping with him at this age..well 1 year old in the summer. We are willing to stay at a cabin though!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
newmama, I might be able to do a weekend with sis and BIL, but otherwise no family locally. It's tough to organize with friends. I find that people love the idea of doing it, but actually following through is another story. It's hard to get schedules synchronized with another family. It's so much work packing, etc. that I need to have a plan that isn't going to be canned if someone's kid is sick, etc.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I love your GAL list! Keep posting them. Really brightened my day. Sunshine, kids, vacations, food, clothes - all the fun stuff. Thank you for the reminders. Thank you for all your support recently on my thread, it means the world to me.
Can you go camping with other moms/kids? That's how I did it last summer when H was gone. We had lots of hands to pitch in and the kids kept each other occupied. Just a thought.
What Cyrena posted in Hope4Luv's thread really helped me to understand H's tendency to overreact and his not feeling safe in our M (which he has expressed indirectly):
Originally Posted By: Cyrena
I just wanted to comment on what happens with the MLCers. They tend to have all sorts of unresolved childhood issues resulting from their family of origin dynamic--feelings of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, unloveability, or whatever. These feelings are what they need to explore, accept, forgive, and be able to recognize in themselves when they're triggered.
Until they reach the point of being able to do that, their wounds are reopened when something you say/do "overlaps" with one of those painful feelings, and they're flooded all the pain they felt as a child. They blame it on you, not on their own triggers, hence their huge over-reactions.
To tell the truth, the same thing happened to me as an LBS--the abandonment I felt because of my MLC husband was soul-searing because it was overlapping the abandonment I felt when my parents didn't protect me from childhood abuse. I had to learn to separate current feelings from past triggers. Whenever I was even a little annoyed at him, my H would be triggered back to the child being physically and verbally abused by his mother, and also had to learn to separate core hurts from what was really being said in the present.
Right now, your H is still in a place where he's not ready to confront his past. Meanwhile, try not to take any of his abuse personally. Yes, you may need to get away from it. But don't let him make you feel bad about past episodes--really, it's the childhood ones that are the true source of his pain, even though it's the ones in your marriage which he blames.
I want to read more MLC stuff. My need to understand my sitch has not been satisfied adequately.
Yeah, this was an amazing post. Really opened my eyes
Although I never posted at the Midlife Crisis forum and you wont see me stating he was at such a phase, I always thought for my H it was that as well. In my head, knowing about MLC doesnt change much the way YOU handle things, but it gives you the understanding why he acts...crazy and arms you with patience.
The following I found here on the board, 2 years ago. There isnt one thing in this text that my H didnt do. I gave it to him to read it, he smiled and said, it sounds "awful familiar"...
MIDLIFE for Dummies _ A guide to a successful midlife crisis
Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey's you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck. In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!
Chapter 1 Choosing the correct speech There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:
a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.
b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.
c) We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.
d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.
Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.
Chapter 2 Lessons in building anxiety You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.
Lesson 1 Monstrification of your Spouse
This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.
Lesson 2 Emotional DetachmentThis will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3
Lesson 3 Mass confusion and IndecisionThis lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.
Lesson 4 Lies and DeceitTo get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.
Chapter 3 The Other Person (or OP) Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.
Chapter 4 Cake Eating
This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).
She helped me to map out a very specific strategy for dealing with H, and made some interesting connections between my son's sensory issues and H's high reactivity.
I'd be interested in hearing more about this.. (sorry, I know it isn't exactly on topic) I have a 13 year old with Autism and he has huge sensory issues as well..
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
