just the wife

[DBrookie]

(Showing that you need to GIVE advice to GET advice) Sorry I forgot about your responses....

I got pissed and confused when he stopped accepting my initiations.......Plus he's still rejected me a few times since comming home so were back to those feelings again...and of course my not initiating as much...spiral spiral

Rome was not rebuilt in a day after Nero let it burn. Patience.....patience....patience. There is no silver bullet and no overnight miracles to this stuff.

I'm willing to bet H is not as HD as you might think. I'll assume you mean LD and that's part of the problem I don't believe he's as ld as it seems either..wich of course leads to more neg feelings about myself

BINGO...so he's not a lost cause...just lost at the moment. And this is going to be hard to do...but DON'T take it personal. This is a problem for him...it more than likely would have happened with anyone he was with given the right circumstances. STOP blaming yourself...you're worth more than that!!!

yes! alot while seperated...he never took it well infact would often retort what ever I'd say good about him. I still do compliment him directly and indirectly and not just typical bs.

OK...I'm the same way. It has taken me a lot of time and counseling to deal with praise. I won't it so much...but I don't know how to deal with it. I blow it off like it's not a big deal...but it really is for me. Keep up the praise and appreciation...it REALLY does mean something to him.

I don't want him around me all the time...I'd like to set up date nights when we have planned time to spend together the rest of the time he can hang out in his cave

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GREAT IDEA...the reality is that we ALL need space. And when we get less and less of it...or one of the spouses limits some of that space...then things get worse. So keep trying...

a work in progress but most of the work (verbal anyway) seems to come from me and each time I mention anything it is simply again sending him the message that he's not good enough, he can't do enough etc.

So do a 180. You said you try verbal stuff...that WOULD work on me...but it might not work on him. Try non-verbal praise and see what happens.

he's been home over a year now...mentioning the past is like picking at old wounds.

Hmmm...the tough thing is that you shouldn't have let him back without some ground rules about this stuff...date night....etc. But that's too late...so what you need to do is set CLEAR expectations. And go from there...