I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

Keep reading here. Learn about the kind of man that nearly all well-adjusted women would be thrilled to have as a husband and be that man.

Yes - this is definitely what I am gonna do. I want so bad to improve myself and make myself more marketable. I have learned a lot here and from the many R books I have read recently.

The scariest book I think I have ever read: Women's Infidelity. Holy smokes - this book sent shivers down my spine.

Both of my parents have been married four times each.

How long (approximately) were each of these marriages?

Dad: 1st M - maybe 2 years, 2nd M - 9 years, 3rd M - 5 years, and last M 14 years
Mom: 1st M - about 1 year (I think), 2nd M - 9 years, 3rd M - 3 years, and last M over 14 years

I've felt like smashing her face with a brick - the worse thing (for me) is that she had sex with OM whilst she was pregnant with our son and was threatening to have him aborted.

WTF!!! She was sleeping with him while preg and threatened to abort your son?! I am sorry GH31. I appreciate you sharing here, and to be honest I'm surprised that all you wanted to do to her was hit her with a brick. I am shocked she would even consider that! I feel for you man - especially if you are still willing to be with her after that.

Yep definitely making the trip to the attorney's tomorrow. I know that is what she is thinking about doing - I just dunno if she is off work tomorrow and able to do it - heck she might take off to do it.

She hasn't been talking to me recently anyhow and I don't expect that to change.

It will, but probably not yet.

Adulterous wives to respond only to their own discomfort. Yours will do the same in time.

You think she will want to contact me again? That surprises me. I don't get it - what do you mean they respond only to their own discomfort?

[GH31]

Q9,

I want so bad to improve myself and make myself more marketable.

Good.

Have you read THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage? It's probably the most effective book I've ever read on relationships, especially what the man has to do to make the woman thrilled to be married to him. It also details what types of woman are not worth being married to.

Also excellent is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Absolute gold.

The scariest book I think I have ever read: Women's Infidelity. Holy smokes - this book sent shivers down my spine.

I have heard about this book but haven't read it. I'm not surprised to hear your verdict and will read it.

Dad: 1st M - maybe 2 years, 2nd M - 9 years, 3rd M - 5 years, and last M 14 years
Mom: 1st M - about 1 year (I think), 2nd M - 9 years, 3rd M - 3 years, and last M over 14 years

Which one was your parents' marriage?

WTF!!! She was sleeping with him while preg and threatened to abort your son?!

Yes. She did these things. Not only that, she flew from Australia where we live to England (where OM lives) to do this - three times last year and spent thousands.

I hacked into her emails and got all the correspondence referring to abortions, references to when they had sex etc. It's in a very safe place should I ever need it for legal purposes.

I am sorry GH31. I appreciate you sharing here

You're welcome.

To be honest I'm surprised that all you wanted to do to her was hit her with a brick.

I've wanted to do so much more than this.

The only reason I stayed was to ensure that she would not abort our son, or do whatever I could to ensure she did not.

8 weeks after DS was born I did a paternity test to ensure he's mine. He is.

The second time she went to England I could not have cared less if she never came back. I slept so much better and friends commented on how much better I looked when she was gone. I even thought if she weren't pregnant I could just go - I wanted to so badly but she was carrying my baby - I would have put literally nothing past her.

I am shocked she would even consider that!

Don't be shocked mate.

This behaviour is very typical of wives (and husbands) in an affair. They will do anything to keep the affair alive and that sometimes includes committing crimes.

My W even asked me to put money in her account whilst she was living with OM. I told her to get ****ed.

The reason she wanted an abortion is because OM threw her on the sh!theap after learning she was pregnant with my baby and got himself a new GF. OM didn't want her to have the abortion in the end and couldn't trust W either. Afterall, she had come back to me several times for sex because OM had an erectile dysfunction problem.

She's since harrassed him and used his credit card numbers to make purchases online.

You think she will want to contact me again?

Yes.

That surprises me. I don't get it - what do you mean they respond only to their own discomfort?

When life gets tough and they need you for something then they'll contact you. And they'll probably be as nice as pie.

They will pull out just about everything known to man to be manipulative, calculating and cunning. Just like your W was when she manipulated you into moving out of your home.

If your W has some trouble with OM, if she gets bored with him, if he goes away on a trip without her, or dumps her then she'll likely get in touch.

If you've done something like file before her or exposed her affair she will have nuclear anger for a few days followed by respect for you. She'll probably be confused about the fact she's respecting you, but you should not be.

Yep definitely making the trip to the attorney's tomorrow. I know that is what she is thinking about doing - I just dunno if she is off work tomorrow and able to do it - heck she might take off to do it.

Steel yourself and get to the lawyer's office as soon as you possibly can. Take any supporting documentation you have and file.

I hope so much that you beat her to it.

GH31

[Quart9]

Thank you for mentioning these books GH31. I will look for a copy of them.

My parents had my sister and I during their second marriage. My Dad was and still is a workaholic and (to spare you the long story) near the time of my parents divorce he kinda became nuts because of it. My Mom finally had enough of it and left him. It is sad because it seems neither have ever been able to have a healthy marriage.

The reason she wanted an abortion is because OM threw her on the sh!theap after learning she was pregnant with my baby and got himself a new GF. OM didn't want her to have the abortion in the end and couldn't trust W either.

Atleast her OM was decent enough not to push for her to have the abortion!

If your W has some trouble with OM, if she gets bored with him, if he goes away on a trip without her, or dumps her then she'll likely get in touch.

If you've done something like file before her or exposed her affair she will have nuclear anger for a few days followed by respect for you. She'll probably be confused about the fact she's respecting you, but you should not be.

I dunno man. She is so proud and stubborn I can't really see her contacting me again even if he does something wrong to her. Plus, I'm pretty sure she knows I would serve her a nice helping of "I told you so" if she did.

She eventually would respect me for exposing the affair? I have been pondering the idea of exposing their affair. My attorney told me that if I ever wanted to reconcile with her I should not do it, but I'm not really worried about reconciliation now. Plus, my thing is I'm sure my W has portrayed herself as a victim in all of this and I'm the a$$hole. None of her family knows about OM and I'm almost feel certain her BFF's don't know about him. I think she has done her best to hide him and preserve her image, and I feel like they all see her as this wholesome poor thing that has done all she can but just can't go on anymore. If they only knew.

More importantly, OM and her are both "first responders," and they have a code of conduct they are supposed to follow. Ironically (yeah right), they both have a part-time job at the same hospital. I thought about exposing their affair to HR at that hospital, plus I thought about exposing the affair to OM's main job because they subbed him out to work part-time at this hospital (I've been doing some digging). I've also contemplated exposing them to OM W, but I'm sure OM and his W are separated (she moved out I found out) and I have no idea of the dynamics of their relationship - like - will it even make a difference to OM W and will she even care. They are still friends with each other on FB, but I have no idea if they communicate. They were also high school sweethearts - creepy.

So GH31, if you or anyone else have thoughts on my exposing their affair let me know.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So GH31, if you or anyone else have thoughts on my exposing their affair let me know.

Yeah, I got one: Why would you even possibly feel like the other man's wife should be the ONLY one of the four of you affected, to NOT know the truth of what's going on? So that she can make whatever decisions she feels are best for herself and her family?

Puppy

[dburt]

Time for exposure to OM's W^^^^^^^^^^^

Burt

[GH31]

Quart9,

This is what gucci loafer posted to sportsfan33:

If you want to know how good exposure works, then study the Tiger Woods story. Look how far he is going to repair his marriage since exposure....

I posted to you a few days ago that much of what you learn here will be counterintuitive.

The stuff that's actually worth doing is counterintuitive.

Expose W's affair to her family. Tell them calmly and matter of factly and end the conversation.

She eventually would respect me for exposing the affair?

Yes.

Do you think Tiger Woods is taking his wife more seriously now that his infidelities are out in the open, or less seriously?

I have been pondering the idea of exposing their affair. My attorney told me that if I ever wanted to reconcile with her I should not do it

How much experience does your attorney have in saving marriages?

Is your attorney a counsellor specialising in recovering marriages?

I'm sure your attorney is an expert on legal matters.

but I'm not really worried about reconciliation now.

I understand that Quart9, but that may change in time. You have many more extreme emotions to cycle through yet.

Still, you must file first, expose your wife's cheating and protect yourself.

I'm sure my W has portrayed herself as a victim in all of this and I'm the a$$hole.

Your W will already have done this - at least to herself to justify her cheating. If you don't expose the affair to W's family first she will do this again and make you look very bad to them.

We have all been there with this Quart9

Why would you even possibly feel like the other man's wife should be the ONLY one of the four of you affected, to NOT know the truth of what's going on? So that she can make whatever decisions she feels are best for herself and her family?

Puppy is right.

OM W is still his W and she has the right to know the truth. This is about OM W as well, and if your W tells her family about OM first she will spin and manipulate the situation and facts mercilessly.

Hang in there.

GH31

[Gnosis]

Why would you even possibly feel like the other man's wife should be the ONLY one of the four of you affected, to NOT know the truth of what's going on? So that she can make whatever decisions she feels are best for herself and her family?

Not to mention all the smoke he's been blowing up his W's tailpipe and letting her think she is a failure. Who knows how much he has been blaming her and running her down with emotional abuse about how useless she is and how she never made him happy...

You should know this Q9... you've been on the receiving end of this from your W. How did it make you feel to be told you are the cause. The decent thing to do for her is to tell her the truth so she can have a chance to rebuild the self-esteem that OM has stripped away.

[Quart9]

The stuff that's actually worth doing is counterintuitive.

Yep, I see this as being true now.

Do I wait until she is served before I expose? Should I wait until the spousal support portion of all this gets started and then use exposure as a bargainning chip? Like don't contest this unless you want everyone important to you to know you are a cheater. Or should I just get busy exposing?

If you don't expose the affair to W's family first she will do this again and make you look very bad to them.

I don't get it this? Like she will cheat on someone else and I will lok bad for not telling them the first time? Or she will cheat on me again?

[Quart9]

Not to mention all the smoke he's been blowing up his W's tailpipe and letting her think she is a failure. Who knows how much he has been blaming her and running her down with emotional abuse about how useless she is and how she never made him happy...

You should know this Q9... you've been on the receiving end of this from your W. How did it make you feel to be told you are the cause. The decent thing to do for her is to tell her the truth so she can have a chance to rebuild the self-esteem that OM has stripped away.

OM may be telling his wife these things, but we don't know that for sure. What if she cheated on him and that is why she is out of the house (supposing she is not a dumba$$ and moved out like I did because he manipulated her to)? OM W has a diff address than him (and it is less than 2 miles from their main home address).

I'm pretty sure they were separated before OM and my W met. Why would he be on a cruise without her? I agree though, OM W has a right to know and I am happy to tell her. I have her home phone number and I know her FB profile - it seems it would be better to contact her on FB?

Should I expose them to where they work together? Should I expose OM to his reg job?

BTW - appoint with attorney is next week to begin process.

[GH31]

Do I wait until she is served before I expose?

I probably would wait but ask Puppy and Coach for their thoughts.

Should I wait until the spousal support portion of all this gets started and then use exposure as a bargainning chip?

No.

Threatening to expose is utterly useless. This puts the cheater on maximum alert and motivates them to spin the story and beguile those to whom you would expose. The cheater tricks their family members, boss etc. into thinking it's you who is to blame and that it's you who is the bad guy.

They will say and do anything. Crocodile tears, stories of how you've hurt and abused them. Everything.

I have seen it happen time and time again and my W tried very hard to make me look bad. It didn't work though.

For maximum effect, calm exposure of an affair should come as a complete and total shock to the adulterous spouse.

Expose you must, either after she gets served or at the same time. Ask Puppy and Coach for help with the timing, but make sure you file before she does.

Originally Posted By: GH31
If you don't expose the affair to W's family first she will do this again and make you look very bad to them.

I don't get it this? Like she will cheat on someone else and I will lok bad for not telling them the first time? Or she will cheat on me again?

Sorry mate.

I used too many words when fewer would have sufficed.

You need to expose to her friends and family before she gets to spin them her side of the story, after which your task will be much harder.

She will lie through her teeth, especially to those closest to her.

Your wife has already convinced herself that you are/were the bad guy. This is in order to justify her A to herself and assuage any guilt or conscience she may have. Most cheaters know that their choices are sick and have to rationalize it to themselves somehow.

She may be in the process of telling her family, friends, boss etc about the demise of your marriage.

If so, she will not be telling them the whole truth. I strongly doubt she'll have told them about the married man she's currently banging.

She will be telling them what she needs them to believe in order to continue her A unencumbered.

Cheating wives are extremely proficient liars and manipulators.

This is why you must expose. Truth is like Kryptonite to affairs and changes the dynamic of them permanently.

I can guarantee you OMW will also have been fooled and beguiled into believing what OM wants her to believe.

Get the filing and exposure completed as soon as possible.

GH31