A couple of Q'S: You are the HD and H is LD, no? seems that way Have you always been HD? YUP! Has he always been LD? I was the original intitator of things...to put in blunty I had given him a bj before he ever even touched me...but there were then times when he'd intitate all the time.
Wow, very similar to me. SO now WAW initiated. She actually had a bet with a friend that she'd get me into bed before her friend would get the guy she was after. No pressure there...anyhow...
So you started the R by initiating...and then when you stopped initiating because you wanted validation that he wanted you just as much..and he didn't...you got pissed? I got pissed and confused when he stopped accepting my initiations. You changed the rules of the R without telling him what you were doing. I didn't change the rules...I just stopped initiating as much becuase I was tired of the rejection that led to me feeling bad about myself, us, confused about him etc. And he should have said something as well...so blame goes all around. yes indeed it does. Since we were seperated he changed things this go around...I've let him know that I have a harder time now initiating anything as a result and feel better when it comes from his initiating. Plus he's still rejected me a few times since comming home so were back to those feelings again...and of course my not initiating as much...spiral spiral
When did either change? as time went by he became less and less receptive to my advances and initiated on his own less and less don't recall exactly when it started but my guess would be when he started his business about 13 years ago.
Same here, although less time involved. Our sex life went down hill when I was working insane hours to help support both of us because SO was in prof. school and couldn't work. Each day I went to work feeling a TON of pressure because I knew that if I lost my job then we'd be screwed and SO/W would leave me. Now in your H's case...multiply that a few times because it's his own business. If it goes under then he's screwed and he's essentially let his entire famility down...or at least that's what he thinks.
I'm willing to bet H is not as HD as you might think. I'll assume you mean LD and that's part of the problem I don't believe he's as ld as it seems either..wich of course leads to more neg feelings about myself He just might be looking for some major appreciation, besides I love you and thank you for what he's doing. Have you ever told him how much you appreciate how hard he works to provide for the family...that kind of thing? yes! alot while seperated...he never took it well infact would often retort what ever I'd say good about him. I still do compliment him directly and indirectly and not just typical bs. Has he ever asked for that kind of appreciation? NOPE! just hated how I'd complain about him working too much..took it that I didn't appreciate his business and all he put into it...well gee h it takes away from us..I don't complain about it anymore at all even when he has to work late I say nothing. Again...blame goes all around.
Exactly, you think that's control? It's really not...trust me. I used to make my own exits....one of them was working long hours. He needs space...just like you probably need space. But he doesn't know that's what he really needs...so he fills his time with exits. You have to close some of yours and he has to close some of his. Notice I didn't say all. I don't want him around me all the time...I'd like to set up date nights when we have planned time to spend together the rest of the time he can hang out in his cave (finnished basement sports pub) doing whatever he wants and I will know it's not our night but our night is comming...then I can go do my own thing too knowing that I didn't miss a possible opportunity to spend time with him. That idea wasn't well recieved but we're working on it.
I never and would never cheat, but the people I worked with (both men and women) and people I spent time with did make me feel good. They appreciated how hard I worked and they told me how smart, funny, good looking, etc I was...and typically said how lucky W was to have me. The validation I most wanted from my W I was getting from other people...and I'm sure that was true for her. The OW boosted his ego cause that's what he needed. I should clarify ow was a customer and since h works for himself and mostly by himself his customers become like his co workers so the r you have with your co workers is much like what he had with her. But because you work with suzie so and so eating lunch with her is no big deal but because my h's customer is just that a customer going out to lunch with her and calling her on the phone was not. Keep in mind to that h denies it being a pa if that changes anything. That's what he needs from you time to time. I do my best to let him know that I still think he's a bit above the rest.
I had more control during seperation, h came to visit the kids on a schedule and I left and did what I wanted..came home when I wanted...he had responsibility...
Yeah and I bet that felt great. You had control over things and you were able to think/act without someone trying to control you. It's an awesome feeling to at least have control over yourself.
What you probably needed to do...just like what I'm going to have to do with my WAW...is to say that we have to share control if we are going to live together and be married. This is what I want...tell me what you want...now let's compromise on the things in-between. a work in progress but most of the work (verbal anyway) seems to come from me and each time I mention anything it is simply again sending him the message that he's not good enough, he can't do enough etc.
Right now, it sounds like you are starting to find ways to take back control. Keep doing that, and it might not hurt to tell him that when you were separated that you felt in control and respected, and that's what you want in the R right now. he's been home over a year now...mentioning the past is like picking at old wounds.
