For me during the first pregnancy it was 9 months plus more than a year till we tried for the second. And I was the one who was pregnant, breastfeeding and tired alright? (H does not help with the night wakings as he has to work the next day so I was the one who was more sleep deprived). Now I'm 8 months pregnant and of course nothing and I am worried if it will stay this way for always. At least after the first pregnancy, we had to ML to try for a second!
Oh and LL I totally agree with you that the LDW has it all made. They have their Hs all scrambling to do Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation etc in other words trying so hard to speak their Love Languages and on top of that a H who desires them to boot.
A couple of Q'S: You are the HD and H is LD, no? seems that way Have you always been HD? YUP! Has he always been LD? I was the original intitator of things...to put in blunty I had given him a bj before he ever even touched me...but there were then times when he'd intitate all the time.
Wow, very similar to me. SO now WAW initiated. She actually had a bet with a friend that she'd get me into bed before her friend would get the guy she was after. No pressure there...anyhow...
So you started the R by initiating...and then when you stopped initiating because you wanted validation that he wanted you just as much..and he didn't...you got pissed? I got pissed and confused when he stopped accepting my initiations. You changed the rules of the R without telling him what you were doing. I didn't change the rules...I just stopped initiating as much becuase I was tired of the rejection that led to me feeling bad about myself, us, confused about him etc. And he should have said something as well...so blame goes all around. yes indeed it does. Since we were seperated he changed things this go around...I've let him know that I have a harder time now initiating anything as a result and feel better when it comes from his initiating. Plus he's still rejected me a few times since comming home so were back to those feelings again...and of course my not initiating as much...spiral spiral
When did either change? as time went by he became less and less receptive to my advances and initiated on his own less and less don't recall exactly when it started but my guess would be when he started his business about 13 years ago.
Same here, although less time involved. Our sex life went down hill when I was working insane hours to help support both of us because SO was in prof. school and couldn't work. Each day I went to work feeling a TON of pressure because I knew that if I lost my job then we'd be screwed and SO/W would leave me. Now in your H's case...multiply that a few times because it's his own business. If it goes under then he's screwed and he's essentially let his entire famility down...or at least that's what he thinks.
I'm willing to bet H is not as HD as you might think. I'll assume you mean LD and that's part of the problem I don't believe he's as ld as it seems either..wich of course leads to more neg feelings about myself He just might be looking for some major appreciation, besides I love you and thank you for what he's doing. Have you ever told him how much you appreciate how hard he works to provide for the family...that kind of thing? yes! alot while seperated...he never took it well infact would often retort what ever I'd say good about him. I still do compliment him directly and indirectly and not just typical bs. Has he ever asked for that kind of appreciation? NOPE! just hated how I'd complain about him working too much..took it that I didn't appreciate his business and all he put into it...well gee h it takes away from us..I don't complain about it anymore at all even when he has to work late I say nothing. Again...blame goes all around.
Exactly, you think that's control? It's really not...trust me. I used to make my own exits....one of them was working long hours. He needs space...just like you probably need space. But he doesn't know that's what he really needs...so he fills his time with exits. You have to close some of yours and he has to close some of his. Notice I didn't say all. I don't want him around me all the time...I'd like to set up date nights when we have planned time to spend together the rest of the time he can hang out in his cave (finnished basement sports pub) doing whatever he wants and I will know it's not our night but our night is comming...then I can go do my own thing too knowing that I didn't miss a possible opportunity to spend time with him. That idea wasn't well recieved but we're working on it.
I never and would never cheat, but the people I worked with (both men and women) and people I spent time with did make me feel good. They appreciated how hard I worked and they told me how smart, funny, good looking, etc I was...and typically said how lucky W was to have me. The validation I most wanted from my W I was getting from other people...and I'm sure that was true for her. The OW boosted his ego cause that's what he needed. I should clarify ow was a customer and since h works for himself and mostly by himself his customers become like his co workers so the r you have with your co workers is much like what he had with her. But because you work with suzie so and so eating lunch with her is no big deal but because my h's customer is just that a customer going out to lunch with her and calling her on the phone was not. Keep in mind to that h denies it being a pa if that changes anything. That's what he needs from you time to time. I do my best to let him know that I still think he's a bit above the rest.
I had more control during seperation, h came to visit the kids on a schedule and I left and did what I wanted..came home when I wanted...he had responsibility...
Yeah and I bet that felt great. You had control over things and you were able to think/act without someone trying to control you. It's an awesome feeling to at least have control over yourself.
What you probably needed to do...just like what I'm going to have to do with my WAW...is to say that we have to share control if we are going to live together and be married. This is what I want...tell me what you want...now let's compromise on the things in-between. a work in progress but most of the work (verbal anyway) seems to come from me and each time I mention anything it is simply again sending him the message that he's not good enough, he can't do enough etc.
Right now, it sounds like you are starting to find ways to take back control. Keep doing that, and it might not hurt to tell him that when you were separated that you felt in control and respected, and that's what you want in the R right now. he's been home over a year now...mentioning the past is like picking at old wounds.
Being on page 5 is IMHO a GOOD thing. It means things are going well and you have nothing to vent about since most of us come here to rant, rave, vent and scream. When we have a success story we tend to want to start a new thread with much enthusiasm.
So glad to hear of your positive changes. Do keep us posted and BTW congratulations on being on page 5. Page 10 would have been better.
(Showing that you need to GIVE advice to GET advice) Sorry I forgot about your responses....
Quote: I got pissed and confused when he stopped accepting my initiations.......Plus he's still rejected me a few times since comming home so were back to those feelings again...and of course my not initiating as much...spiral spiral
Rome was not rebuilt in a day after Nero let it burn. Patience.....patience....patience. There is no silver bullet and no overnight miracles to this stuff.
Quote: I'm willing to bet H is not as HD as you might think. I'll assume you mean LD and that's part of the problem I don't believe he's as ld as it seems either..wich of course leads to more neg feelings about myself
BINGO...so he's not a lost cause...just lost at the moment. And this is going to be hard to do...but DON'T take it personal. This is a problem for him...it more than likely would have happened with anyone he was with given the right circumstances. STOP blaming yourself...you're worth more than that!!!
Quote: yes! alot while seperated...he never took it well infact would often retort what ever I'd say good about him. I still do compliment him directly and indirectly and not just typical bs.
OK...I'm the same way. It has taken me a lot of time and counseling to deal with praise. I won't it so much...but I don't know how to deal with it. I blow it off like it's not a big deal...but it really is for me. Keep up the praise and appreciation...it REALLY does mean something to him.
Quote: I don't want him around me all the time...I'd like to set up date nights when we have planned time to spend together the rest of the time he can hang out in his cave
GREAT IDEA...the reality is that we ALL need space. And when we get less and less of it...or one of the spouses limits some of that space...then things get worse. So keep trying...
Quote: a work in progress but most of the work (verbal anyway) seems to come from me and each time I mention anything it is simply again sending him the message that he's not good enough, he can't do enough etc.
So do a 180. You said you try verbal stuff...that WOULD work on me...but it might not work on him. Try non-verbal praise and see what happens.
Quote: he's been home over a year now...mentioning the past is like picking at old wounds.
Hmmm...the tough thing is that you shouldn't have let him back without some ground rules about this stuff...date night....etc. But that's too late...so what you need to do is set CLEAR expectations. And go from there...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
I don't get it. hey wait a min...it apears many of us aren't getting it!
what I mean is...I just don't understand it.
does my h not understand how his low libido is killing this m and putting us in danger.
He's safe now because I am pretty much home with the kids but what's going to happen when the kids get a bit older and I go to work? how then will our m survive while my femininity is all but ignored at home and noticed outside?
Doesn't he get it?
once again I've reached a point of hoping he falls asleep on the couch.
I just don't understand how he could possibly think this is normal and ok.
I've lost my motivation to talk to him about it as it's never worked in the past. There is nothing I can do to motivate him I'm tired of the rejection.
I just don't know why I married this man knowing this was an issue...maybe I thought my drive would change.
My guess is...no, he doesn't get it. I'm also married to an LD man and let me tell you...it wasn't easy getting him to understand.
I'm sorry, I didn't look to see if you've posted your situation in the past...but could you give us more details as to what's going on? What have you tried...what has his response been...what's his general outlook on things...you know...details :-)
what's going on? is that it's not really going on. it seems h can let a month go by without initiating or accepting my advances (though I don't bother to make blatant advances anymore as I'm tired of the rejection) then seemingly out of nowhere h will initiate (note that even if he does initiate there may be no love making as he can usually be satisfied manually or orally before ever reaching that point) only to again begin another long wait til the next time.
His general outlook seems to be that nothing is wrong until of course I say somethings wrong and well then I'm just nuts.
or of course the famous "that's just the way I am" "I've always had a fluxuating libido" etc.
Though I've explained to him several times over the years just how horrible his lack of desire makes me feel about our r he doesn't seem willing or interested in doing anything about it...
LL, Why don't YOU do something about it? If he's not willing to play the game, then make a drastic move. It seems like your H only responds to drastic measures anyway.
Move out of your bedroom, or something like that. And tell him that these arrangements will stay as is until the kids are older and you can move out.
I think that your H makes no permanent movement toward change because HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. There are no consequences.
Make some consequences and stick with them and see what happens.
I hear you. I have an LD husband who follows a similar pattern. I am trying various things and paying attention to what works and what doesn't. Do you feel that your H is "hiding" emotionally or that he is being "passive-agressive" about sex since you don't really think he is LD.
