Hopefully you see now how damaging it would be to even bring up the BS about your ex's pay. You thought it was just fine when the two of you were living together.
You really should STOP bringing up your EX's dad. And just because you and your D are "happy" with the current plan it doesn't mean that is all you need to do. Your EX is NOT happy with it so why not at least TRY and craft one that could meet all THREE of your needs instead of once again, playing the victim.
And chances are you probably needed C's long before this happened as your general attitude and outlook stink. You sound like a petulant child stomping their feet when they can't get their way. You might not mean to sound that way but you do.
You blame your EX way too much and in every way that won't bode well for you. You sound like a stubborn and angry man that really needs to gain some maturity and stability.
"And it still pisses me off that I have to be in counseling and on meds thanks to my ex's crap "
"It's rediculous...that one person can decide the fate of three."
It is ridiculous isn't it? It's even more ridiculous that you keep blaming her for how you're still feeling. You allow her to get to you and you still are as seen through your revenge fantasies. Like I said. I get it. We all do.
But do what YOU can control to get your life straight. All of the stuff you've said you were doing is just in response to what she does. What have you been doing for yourself? And I'm also not talking about the dating thing. You went out on a date cuz you were lonely, felt rejected, wanted to feel loved, etc. I get it. But have you addressed these issues with your C? Like your thoughts of getting back at her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
What are the rules for custody in your state? Here in Canada, it is all about who provides the best, most stable home. Ideally, it would be joint custody as both parents could do that. If that is true about your state, the one thing we know is by "best", they look at all aspects, including how you manage your emotions. As a man, I'm guessing they'd be trying to figure out if I would ever hurt my kids in anger.
I know one family that had many problems as you mentioned are your Ws case, but she still got custody until it got really bad. Why? Because he wasn't fully owning up to his responsibility.
Maybe all this talk about "BS" and stuff isn't helping you. I'm just suggesting that you spend some good time with your IC and laywer to work out your very strong feelings, and the legal side, too.
You have clearly had many problems with your W. You also seem very hurt that she'd leave you. I completely understand.
The problems have to end somewhere, don't they? Work them out with your IC - they seem like very deep problems that we aren't getting to. Your goal is protecting your kids, isn't it? So the best dad they can love isn't one that hates their mom.
There was an article I read that said kids living in abusive situations often don't want a divorce between their parents. Like you, their hurting. Their sad and angry. While your W has really messed things up along with you, if you can't solve things, try hard to back out of the M softly for their sake. They love you. They love her. You love(d) her. She love(d) you.
Keep that in mind when you have a good rest today - your kids are going to want your energy tomorrow~
It is NSW job to help himself. If he is going to post BS then it is best to hear from a group of people that it sounds like BS rather than make a total ass of himself in court.
NSW is not married to his EX and never was. Which makes the case much different.
You really should STOP bringing up your EX's dad. And just because you and your D are "happy" with the current plan it doesn't mean that is all you need to do. Your EX is NOT happy with it so why not at least TRY and craft one that could meet all THREE of your needs instead of once again, playing the victim.
Well...let me put it this way then...my ex has D3 whenever she's not working. Any other schedule would mean D3 would not be with me or my ex at certain times because of my ex being at work. In that case that would mean that my ex's dad and his girlfriend would be the ones watching D3...assuming they arent going to the bar. I wouldnt trust those two to take care of a pet rock, let alone D3.
And CG...I've tried to make compromises and come up with plans of action with my ex in the past months...and look how that turned out. You cant play a game when someone keeps changing the rules to their liking.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"And it still pisses me off that I have to be in counseling and on meds thanks to my ex's crap "
"It's rediculous...that one person can decide the fate of three."
It is ridiculous isn't it? It's even more ridiculous that you keep blaming her for how you're still feeling. You allow her to get to you and you still are as seen through your revenge fantasies. Like I said. I get it. We all do.
But have you addressed these issues with your C? Like your thoughts of getting back at her.
If you're referring to the tax thing, I'm still not seeing it as revenge as much as a last resort tactic to try and and discredit my ex for the purposes of blocking her from getting full or even partial custody over what she has now.
I mean if I really wanted revenge on my ex I'm sure there are a lot more and different things I could come up with.
Now that I've been tlaking about it for a day or so, I do realize that I still have some anger and resentment towards her...and even earlier tonight I had a flash of what she looked like today and that person being with OM, and it made me uncomfortable. But I dont think it's propelling revenge.
I dont trust her, and I'm not interested in getting back together with her...and when that's the case then revenge doesnt seem like a likely motive. It's only when you still care about someone that revenge for what they did to you would come into play.
Originally Posted By: Onthemountaintop
NSW...
What are the rules for custody in your state? Here in Canada, it is all about who provides the best, most stable home. Ideally, it would be joint custody as both parents could do that. If that is true about your state, the one thing we know is by "best", they look at all aspects, including how you manage your emotions. As a man, I'm guessing they'd be trying to figure out if I would ever hurt my kids in anger.
I think it's very similar here...and I would never hurt D3 in anger or any other emotion.
But to look at and judge one on how one manages ones emotions after a breakup or divorce is a bit like trying to judge someone after their arm has just been ripped off by a shark. It's not as if the person is going to be able to act like it doesnt hurt and they can just go on with life like it never happend, like they didnt really need that arm anyway.
Originally Posted By: Onthemountaintop
The problems have to end somewhere, don't they? Work them out with your IC - they seem like very deep problems that we aren't getting to. Your goal is protecting your kids, isn't it? So the best dad they can love isn't one that hates their mom.
While your W has really messed things up along with you, if you can't solve things, try hard to back out of the M softly for their sake. They love you. They love her. You love(d) her. She love(d) you.
The first sentence there had some truth to it. But the second one I dont think was ever true. You just dont do this to someone you love. As bad as my ex was at times...I did love her and I would have stuck it out til the end (or until D3 was old enough to handle it at least). Like I said, I was nothing more than a sperm donor to my ex.
I feel bad for any future kids my ex has...because if she would bring D3 into this world and split on her family, whats to say she wont do it to any future kids. What kind of life is that...and what kind of example is that setting? If you're unhappy...just leave. If everyone did that...no one would be married...because theres not one married couple that has never had a fight or disagreement on any level.
Then again...maybe thats how it should be. Society has pushed monogamy and committed relationships for centuries now. If the norm was splitting and running...then it wouldnt hurt when it happened.
But yeah OTMT when I dont get along with my ex it hurts D3. At the same time, if someon came in off the street and tried to take your child away from you, would you not fight them with your last ounce of strenght to keep them from succeeding?
You just said your D was starting pre-school tomorrow which means she would not be without a parent, she will be in school for at least some portion of the day. Do you work? If not how do you support yourself and your D?
Eventually all this trading off you and your EX do will have to change as your daughter grows and her educational and social needs change. It is not feasible to be dropping off a a school age child every few days or at least it shouldn't be. Two weeks on, two weeks off. One week on, one week off. Let your W worry about her childcare and you worry about yours.
And you are still not getting the tax issue. It is not a last resort tactic. It is something you were okay with until your R feel apart and if you were NOT ok with it then you should have been proactive about it when it started... not when a custody fight comes up. It *does* make you sound vindictive and you are just as guilty as your EX is as you knew about it for a very long time and sat in silence until you thought it could work in your favor.
If you were really over your EX you would not care about future children she has or what she does. You spend an awful lot of time chattering about her.
You just said your D was starting pre-school tomorrow which means she would not be without a parent, she will be in school for at least some portion of the day. Do you work? If not how do you support yourself and your D?
Yeah D3 starts preschool tomorrow, but its a short day program...Tues/Thurs 8:30-11. I am driving her there and my ex is supposed to pick her up (and will supposedly meet us there in the morning for her first day). I'll stay for a little bit then I'm off to my L's to strategize.
I'm currently unemployed and support myself through the unemployment I'm collecting as well as the savings I've accumulated through my superb budgeting. I dont buy frivolous stuff nor do I spend money like its going out of style.
When that runs out I'll go get a job in retail if I cant find one in my field. Right now I bring in significantly more than minimum wage on unemployment and under the terms of unemployment I am not required to take a lower paying job if its less than my unemployment.
Yeah...so my birthday and Christmas were in December and I was unemployed when my ex left to be with the OM in Dec. She gives new meaning to "kicking someone when they're down". So is it any wonder I'm still harboring feelings that wont seem to go away even after I thought they had?
Uh, if you're on unemployment, how are you going to afford a L? How long have you been unemployed?
If your W is holding a job and you aren't, it doesn't sound promising if you are relying her to cover support payments. Have you been actively looking for a job?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The only reason I can think of that she'd do that is she has a D that is a few years older than D3. I think in the past she's tried to get my ex to bring D3 over to play but my ex has just blown her off...which is kinda sad given that D3 has fun playing with her D.
It's also kinda weird that I'm on as good if not better terms with my ex's mom and sisters than my ex. I've frequently promoted contact between D3 and them, whereas my ex hasnt promoted contact between D3 and my family at all. I came to recently understand that such things are given consideration in a custody hearing...which parent is more likely to promote a R between the child and their other parent/family.
Something else I just noticed was in my signature, I have the date of the night I went over to her dads house and caught them together. It hasnt even been a month since that happened...so its not like my ex will have months of texts and emails...more like a few weeks. Not that they wont be damning...but 3 weeks of contact/begging/reasoning/etc. in an attempt to reunite my family isnt the same as 6 months worth. So while its not great...now that all non-D3 tlak has been cut off...its not as bad as it could be.
In a way my ex filing for custody might have done me a favor in the sense of limiting her ammo.
Uh, if you're on unemployment, how are you going to afford a L? How long have you been unemployed?
If your W is holding a job and you aren't, it doesn't sound promising if you are relying her to cover support payments. Have you been actively looking for a job?
It will be two years this May. And it was something that infuriated my ex...that I was at home all the time (looking for jobs actively) getting paid much more than she was when she was working every single day. I think had I had a job, things might not have come to a point when they did if at all. But yeah since I've been at home all the time over the last two years...I was essentially a stay at home dad...I was the primary caretaker for D3...and still am aside from 5 hours Su-We and 27 hours Fr-Sat.
And again I am actively seeking employment in my field...its a requirement for me to receive the unemployment...but the job market is the pitts around here...even when the economy was up.
That is why several pages back, or in my last thread, I said that I was upset with my ex for "trapping" me here when I could have gone elsewhere and been much more successful. She refused to move away from her father even though it could have meant a better life and a lot more income for us. Sure I could have left her and D3 to go do it on my own...but she and D3 were more important to me than anything...and with my budgeting skills as I said before...I was not only able to make sure neither of them went without and pay all the bills, but I was able to amass a considerable amount of savings in a very short time in the event that I did become unemployed like I am now.
I know I sound mean, vindictive, maybe even unbalanced at times...but all of you, whose help and continued supoort I do apprecaite...only know the post-split up me. I wish you could have known the pre-split up me...a great dad and generally nice guy who loved and provided for his family.
