What are the rules for custody in your state? Here in Canada, it is all about who provides the best, most stable home. Ideally, it would be joint custody as both parents could do that. If that is true about your state, the one thing we know is by "best", they look at all aspects, including how you manage your emotions. As a man, I'm guessing they'd be trying to figure out if I would ever hurt my kids in anger.
I know one family that had many problems as you mentioned are your Ws case, but she still got custody until it got really bad. Why? Because he wasn't fully owning up to his responsibility.
Maybe all this talk about "BS" and stuff isn't helping you. I'm just suggesting that you spend some good time with your IC and laywer to work out your very strong feelings, and the legal side, too.
You have clearly had many problems with your W. You also seem very hurt that she'd leave you. I completely understand.
The problems have to end somewhere, don't they? Work them out with your IC - they seem like very deep problems that we aren't getting to. Your goal is protecting your kids, isn't it? So the best dad they can love isn't one that hates their mom.
There was an article I read that said kids living in abusive situations often don't want a divorce between their parents. Like you, their hurting. Their sad and angry. While your W has really messed things up along with you, if you can't solve things, try hard to back out of the M softly for their sake. They love you. They love her. You love(d) her. She love(d) you.
Keep that in mind when you have a good rest today - your kids are going to want your energy tomorrow~
