Well guess who says he doesn't want to go to therapy today. Guess the boundary won't be heard.
He is "so livid he's shaking" about me throwing the pen down on the table. I guess this brings up his greatest fear re: our relationship past issues. So now it's all about him backsliding to rejecting me again because I lost my temper.
I can try not to lose my temper in the future. I am human and not perfect and this is not me being a psycho out of the blue. I should not have done that. But I'm in a R where I constantly feel attacked put down and blamed and it's much harder to act respectfully when I'm being treated not respectfully, and neither is S.
That's still no excuse.
I like the idea about triggers. That is what is up here. He is triggering me and I am triggering him. we have to change how we behave when we feel triggered. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and responding maturely. I am just fed up by not being heard for trying hard to do this, when H isn't. I guess I can't fix him. If he isn't able to deal with his hurts and triggers on his own, then I can't make this relationship work and I'm ready to walk.
If he is, then we will get to it when he's calmer. I won't give up. But I will accept it if he is going to give up. I have got to stop trying to make him act respectfully. I must set the boundary that if he wants more assurance that I can not freak out, then he needs to be sensitive to what triggers me and work with me on this.
