I saw your question on the MLC board on wanted to answer. With kids I really feel NC is just about impossible....the same with going super dark. What I did was break up the world into three parts....My world which I did not share and was not asked to share...the kids world which I shared limited info (Didn't share dr's appointments times...just did them, etc....but would share if the kids needed new medication...basically the stuff that was REAL important I shared...stuff she missed by not being here...her problem), and then her world. I didn't pursue it and listened when she wanted to talk and validated....I let her come to me and accepted it friendly.
Thanks, this sounds reasonable. Basically, this is what I have been doing for the past months.
The past month or so my disposition has not been very consistant (e.g., cold, friendly, cold, friendly) but then again a lot of stuff has been hitting the fan so, I excuse myself. Being friendly is going to be tough right now, civil is more likley. I have to "accept" a new sitch and once I do, hopefully friendly will come.
W came by this morning to drop off some things for the kids. She was pleasant and is making an effort to be friendly. I was civil, but tried to avoid her and kept eye contact to a minimum. I have a really hard time being around her now...lot of anxiety and negative feelings. I hate being this way but I cannot get past some of her bad choices and behaviors. I look forward to the day when I can be around her with no emotional consequence.
DW, It sounds like you are dealing with this as best you can and it will get better with time. When I was angry with my W and had to be around her I would avoid the eye contact also. It made the interaction less emotional.
"Acceptance" of the situation doesn't mean you condone it. You are just not going to let your judgements spark those emotions.
BTW did the Bob Marley thing again this morning.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I hate being this way but I cannot get past some of her bad choices and behaviors.
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and I am very much the same on the rare occasion that I actually see my W. What isn't normal is having to refrain from exploding and tell them what we real think of their BS behavior. But again it's in our best interest as well as the kids to remain as civil as possible.
Quote:
I look forward to the day when I can be around her with no emotional consequence.
Me too. Until than it's just going to be a tongue biting fest and Oscar winning acting.
M48/W47 M15/T22 S3 D3 In House Separation 10/06/09 W files for D 10/16/09 OM1 discovered 10/28/09 (PA) OM2 in mix early Jan. W moved out 1/26/10 In Mediation (Settlement in prep)
DW, I think I saw on C-bart's thread that you guys might have gotten together over the weekend? You had the kids too, right? How are they doing? and you?
Was a good weekend for me, D13 had one in each column 1W, 1L, 1T so it was good and she played well. Got to throw the football with my son and gave him some pointers on skateboarding. Went out for a couple of hours with Kemper and we kinda got hit on by some more "mature" women at the bar, we made a quick exit but were ready to go anyhow.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Kids are great and I am trudging along. Things between the W and I are not great. It is civil but not much more than that. I am still fighting resentment from all of her disrepectful and deceptive behaviors. I'm sure I am coming across as bitter, which I hate, but I am finshed putting up with her BS. The next couple of months will be pivotal. I need to think long term here.
Glad to hear your D13 played well...likely a good release for her. Tell Kemp I said hi.
I picked the kids up at the bus stop today and asked them how their weekend was. I got to hear all about the OM. At one point I had to tell the kids to talk about something different. This is going to be really hard.
One thing about going dark (or dim) is that it keeps me out of her life and away from the details of what is going on. Now when she has the kids, I am going to hear about those details. Not sure how to handle this one. I know I will get use to it and things will get better, but right now it is very painful.
I am truly sorry for the pain this is causing you It hurts no question. It makes things more complicated and tough when their are children involved. I know this is so much easier said than done but try to focus on yourself and being the wonderful dad that you are to the kids when you have them. Unfortunately you can't control what your wife does....that was tough for me to get and accept too w my H as he made awful choices over and over with affairs and drinking. It's so very hard, I know.
It hurts no question. It makes things more complicated and tough when their are children involved. I know this is so much easier said than done but try to focus on yourself and being the wonderful dad that you are to the kids when you have them. Unfortunately you can't control what your wife does....that was tough for me to get and accept too w my H as he made awful choices over and over with affairs and drinking. It's so very hard, I know.