What about planning an "adult" weekend away. You, H, a couple of bottles of champagne, gourmet snacks, and a hot tub suite. My W and I do this about twice a year to reconnect . No really, we travel about an hour from home and stay at a reasonaly priced hotel that is right next to an outlet mall. We go out for dinner at some very nice places and the hotel breakfast is amazing. I usually wake up before my W and bring breakfast back to the room for her. Breakfast in bed and I didn't even have to cook . We take our time waking up, hit the hot tub full of bubble bath (be careful not to over-suds the room, kind of hard to explain that to the hotel management ), then hit the mall for the afternoon. We go out to dinner and the clubs for some dancing and then back to the hot tub to unwind.
All of the above is what makes it a "reconnect" weekend. My W really appreciates that I shop, dance, and don't mind just "talking". This is not R talk time at all! We reminisce about the good days, talk about our sons, our jobs, all things positive, no negatives allowed. It works for us.
Maybe a change of venue would help your H rediscover you.
great ideas really. However, h and I have gone on several weekend getaways and had a great time minus the fact that h did not initiate anything (even when I sat in the jacusi in that was nicely placed in the main room and came out wrapping my wet self in a white sheet) and turned me down when I asked....I basically had to beg to finally get him to cave. Makes it tough to enjoy that way.
We've gone out on dates, had wonderful conversation, he'll hold my hand on the way in or out of a place of his own initiation but when we get home...NADA!
What kills me is when he does initiate...becuase there is no rhyme or reason to it, no logical pattern I'm at a loss.
Quote: Quote: ----------- and how exactly do I MAKE him tell me? do I sit on him? tie him up and put a light on him? stick bamboo under his finger nails? I mean how, since asking directly, indirectly, ultimatums etc don't get me an answer or solution? -----------
So he does like to be in control. passively in control, with me anyway
If he is smaller than you, you could always beat a confession out of him. he's not "smaller" then me we are roughly the same size and beating him up wont get me anywhere but further away from him. I was being very sarcastic with my proposals of how to get an answer out of him.
Seriously. Does this mean you are frightened that he will leave again? for myself? NOPE for the families sake? YUP Is he holding you captive by his refrain from facing the truth? he's holding himself captive by his refrain from actively addressing the issue and inturn holding me temporarily captive. My wings will spread as time goes on, then it will be his decision if he wants to fly with me or not.
Obviously, you don't like the idea of ultimatums. who does? I understand the sentiment. Not wanting to issue them myself cost me a couple decades of peace. When I did finally decide that enough was enough, things changed quickly. I finally ditched most of my anger and got serious about resolving issues in my relationship. I am serious about it. Sometimes it is easier for both parties in a conflict to resolve issues when there are no other choices except a form of mutually assured destruction. I don't want to cause anymore distruction in the m, there's already been enough of that...I'd like to find a peacful loving way to resolve this problem.
In my relationship, my wife is still not HD, even though we now enjoy each other 4 or 5 times week. 4-5x a week? wtf are you complaining about? I'd be happy with 1-2x a week! In addition to the work she did in the relationship, I had to remove impediments that I had placed in the relationship in order for her to be more amenable toward me. I don't know what impediments I've placed in the r. At one point in time there may have been my resentment of his business that took so much out of him but now I show appreciation and understanding toward it. I used to resent his football watching becuase it took time and energy away from me but now I zip it and enjoy it..would even go to the games with him (season ticket holder even went to the superbowl) but "it's a guy thing" so instead I watch from home when I can, im his phone when they score to share a wooo hooo! fill his sports paraphanalia closet etc.
I would still love for her to desire me the way I desire her. Maybe that will happen one day, maybe not. I am perfectly capable of ML several times a day, BUT, it is my ego that thinks I will lose it if I don't use it, not reality. Reality tells me I can be happier with less - and my nuts won't atrophy and fall off. I can be happy without as well but would prefer to know he does at least desire me
I am not telling you to settle for less when he might be trying to starve you for the purpose of control - just for you to be sure which one it is. don't know what the other alternative is? but doubt it's concious control
How do you get information from someone unwilling to give it? Figure out how to make it worth their while to share. Then implement the incentive. he understands the LL concept...thing is I can't just start being a cold wife, I like to cook and clean and bake and pick him up stuff when I'm out...I like to make him feel good and appreciated...if I stop that? well it gets him a misserable wife and that's not all that attractive now is it?
LL, You brought something up that I have been wondering about lately. Hope you don't mind that I hijack your thread to ask it.
The love language concept...I'm not sure it works! I mean, I am a lot like you. I do everything for my H and I do mean everything. He has very few responsibilities in our household and the only thing that I have ever asked of him is sex/passion/desire. Which is streaky. Sometimes I'm getting so much sex, I'm getting sick of it (is that possible, lol) and other times I am just barely hanging on by a thread.
So here is my question: My H seems to only remember that I have needs when I get mad. My anger or disappointment is the catalyst for him to start even THINKING about what I might be needing. Other than that, he is happy as a stinkin clam and has no idea that I am getting more and more desperate as the days go by.
So does the love language thing really work? When only one person is doing it...and the other is happy as can be...what is THEIR motivation to fill the other one's tank? They are happy as can be and are thinking to themselves that their life is just about perfect.
I just can't seem to think of a way to remedy this.
the only way I see the Love Language concept working when only one person is speaking the others (ie us speaking theirs but them not speaking ours or not as often as we'd like) is that knowing (or at least understanding) that there are different means of expressing love and affection. Learning what languages our spouse speaks and listening and showing appreciation for the message sent. It helps to releive some of the anger and frustration over not being spoken to our way but you are right it's not a solution to the problem unless/until the other partner fully grasps the concept themselves and begins to speak our language in return or heck at least allowing us to speak our own language once in a while to them.
Of course, you are right. Even though he is not speaking it in the way that I want him to speak it, he is making an attempt to speak it. If it wasn't so freakin lame most of the time, I'd even be able to recognize it for what it was! lol For instance, he will give me tons of pecks and hugs when he is horny. Even though he does this often, it still escapes me that he is trying to express DESIRE. I miss it almost every time. I need to work on that, obviously.
Thanks for the reminder.
So fill us all in. Have you gotten serviced yet or what?
Quote: So fill us all in. Have you gotten serviced yet or what?
that's a big ole negative!
glad what I said was helpful..sometimes we do have to look at things differently.
here's an example..before our seperation etc, h used to pat me on the a$$...it annoyed the hell out of me...what am I some baseball player??? but I realized that this was not something he would do to his mother (like I complain about the pecks hello and goodbye) or anyone else for that matter...this was his little way of showing me...I wanted him to sneak up behind me while I was doing the dishes and put his arms around me but instead he would pat me on the butt...I ignored what he was saying or rather missinterperted the message. Now I love it when he does that...too bad I complained so much about it that he doesn't do it as often.
Quote: All I know is I'd love it if h were half as interested as he was when he first came home. I mean then it was every day, he couldn't keep his hands off of me, tried to sit on the same couch as me but couldn't without wanting to touch me sexually. It was massages every night (every night that he was here anyway) sometimes in the morning. I'd get a passionate kiss when I'd go out and sometimes just because. He'd try to get in the shower with me or pull me in the shower with him. I could kiss him any time I wanted and really kiss him with no hesitation. Now suddenly it's all up to him again. I sense sometimes that he's interested but is hesitant to make a move so doesn't and yet when I make a move am turned down. It's creating a tension that existed before he left and I know where that led so why can't he see it? Why can't marriage just be easy?
LL,
Thats totally mind boggling. How can someones libido just come and go like that is beyond me. I am sure you are just as puzzled and hurting too. Maybe your H too does not have a clue or if he is he's not telling. That sucks. Our having to guess why, why, WHY???!!! Honestly, I could live without, but its hard to live with their avoidance of the issue.
Why does he choose to ignore the issue? Why when I make mention of it, does he get pissy, claim he's too busy to talk about it at the moment and then continue to act like I never mentioned it and still do nothing about it?
Quote: So here is my question: My H seems to only remember that I have needs when I get mad. My anger or disappointment is the catalyst for him to start even THINKING about what I might be needing. Other than that, he is happy as a stinkin clam and has no idea that I am getting more and more desperate as the days go by.
So does the love language thing really work? When only one person is doing it...and the other is happy as can be...what is THEIR motivation to fill the other one's tank? They are happy as can be and are thinking to themselves that their life is just about perfect.
I am constantly remebering a little convo that h and I had before we were married. H moved back home for the months before we were to be wed (he had been living with a buddie who was selling the house and moving to another so instead of moving yet again with buddie he went home to save money) he was living in a basement room that mom set up for him, cleaned for him, made the bed for him etc. I once asked him why he'd let her do it? his response? "it makes her happy" hmmm? it makes her happy to do it? he was kinda right...yes it does make us (speaking of us women who do cook and clean etc) happy to do such things but that doesn't mean we don't want/need something in return or that you should just think we are simply happy because we are allowed to do things for ya.
seems to be a bad case of time warp.
decades ago it was supposedly enough for a woman to have a man to cook and clean for, to buy socks for to raise children for, to make a home for. That was supposed to be enough. Thing is, it's not.
As far as the ld in men? I'm starting to think that ld women have it made!
tommorow it will be a definite 3 weeks with no action, I can only say definite 3 weeks cause I don't recall the exact time prior to not getting any two saturday nights ago when we went out..so heck it could be 4 weeks. SAD!
What is his response to why it is taking so long to attend to your needs?
The bad thing about this is now when you finally DO get some, you will be so pissed off the entire time that it will be hard to enjoy it. Hmph. Wtf is he thinkin.
. No really, we travel about an hour from home and stay at a reasonaly priced hotel that is right next to an outlet mall. We go out for dinner at some very nice places and the hotel breakfast is amazing. I usually wake up before my W and bring breakfast back to the room for her. Breakfast in bed and I didn't even have to cook 
. We take our time waking up, hit the hot tub full of bubble bath (be careful not to over-suds the room, kind of hard to explain that to the hotel management 
), then hit the mall for the afternoon. We go out to dinner and the clubs for some dancing and then back to the hot tub to unwind. 
In addition to the work she did in the relationship, I had to remove impediments that I had placed in the relationship in order for her to be more amenable toward me. I don't know what impediments I've placed in the r. At one point in time there may have been my resentment of his business that took so much out of him but now I show appreciation and understanding toward it. I used to resent his football watching becuase it took time and energy away from me but now I zip it and enjoy it..would even go to the games with him (season ticket holder even went to the superbowl) but "it's a guy thing" so instead I watch from home when I can, im his phone when they score to share a wooo hooo! fill his sports paraphanalia closet etc. 