How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[chatterbug]

Privacy is closing the door when going to the bathroom. That is privacy. What he is doing is trying to confuse you on the difference between secrecy vs privacy. There are no secrets in a marriage or loving relationship. And you know what. He is deflecting. You know this.

There is no power struggle going on. What is going on is that your husband made some horrible mistakes that were thoughtless and extremely hurtful. He is lashing out to shift the blame. From where it should be. On his shoulders.

WTF. Why are you worried about him forgiving you. He is the one who has stepped out of the marriage with other women. He is the one who has zero respect for your child , stepchild and you. He is the one who is a liar and a cheater. He is the one who has zero respect for vows. Remember that every time you think you need him to forgive you. He is the one who needs to seek forgiveness.

You are better than this. And you know it. Do not fall into the mind games. Remove yourself from them. Allow him to come to grips with what he did without you around to deflect.

[4luv]

Thx cutterbug. i never realized the difference between privacy or secrecy or at least never thought of it that way. I don't know why my self-esteem is so low that I am worried about him forgiving me...its crazy when I think about it or see someone phrase the question to me that way. I am definitely going to an IC when I get back to homestate. I really liked the counselor that husband and I met with prior to getting married so I am going to schedule an appointment with her. I need to get my "swagger" back...lol. seriously, here I am feeling bad for doing something to someone who has repeatedly shown no respect for me. Yes I want my marriage but if I remove my own LBS fog it is really husband who should be crawling back and begging me to work on things. That is the confusing thing about DB and the hard part about me detaching...the point of DB is to stop the divorce but the person who has been wronged is the one in charge of doing that.

[4luv]

Well I had a long response typed out but it just got erased. I moved out yesterday and relocated 6 hoyurs away from husband to my parents' house. It was a really emotional move but my dream of having husband say "No, don't go, I don't want this" didn't happen...lol (a girl can dream right?). Husband did say that he didn't feel good about me moving and that he couldn't believe that I was actually leaving him. I told him you left me emotionally long before me leaving you physically. Also told him I had no choice after he walked out on Sunday and I didn't hear or see him until Tuesday. He said that I should have known that he was coming back and that I should know that he wouldn't leave me or son like that. WE hugged a few times told each other we love one another but I also said that I need this time away from him based on the things he has said to me. When I told him he didn't say I love you for an entire year he couldn't believe it. He apologized and kept saying it over and over throughout the day. Then he asked me to at least stay another week or at least another night. I did't see the purpose besides giving him more time with son. If husband would have said don't leave, stay for good we will work on things I would have stayed. Also, one thing that happened yesterday while packing and moving is that husband started to read some of the cards/letters I had given him through our dating years and marriage. He actually started to smile reading them and remembered the love that was there. For so long this past year all he has focused on was what i didn't do while dating and being married. He also actually wanted to keep some of our engagement photos whereas before he didn't even want them hung up in the house. And he kept a scrapbook that I made for him during our first Christmas married that I was about to throw away because he never looked at it and didn't seem to appreciate when I first gave it to him. He took it out of the trash bag and said he was going to keep it. I don't know if he was just being sentimental yesterday but I will look at it as a positive sign.

I don't know if I made the right decision but I do know that husband needs to deal with his own issues before he can fully commit to our marriage. I need to deal with my issues/co-dependency before I can move forward in a healthy marriage/relationship. I am suppose to see husband this weekend at his mom's 50th bday celebration. Should I still go?

I would still like to DB in hopes of saving my marriage with expectations set that husband would have to meet in order for me to still want the marriage. Any advice on what to do from here besides GAL. I am joining a gym down here today and looking for daycare for son during this week. Other than that I will spend time unpacking and working. Oh, and my best friend had a baby last night so I will definitely be visiting her and baby. My plan was going almost dark with husband besides finances and child issues however, that plan got diverted today because i had to ask husband to type up some work notes for me from a notebook that I left at home. After that though i have no reason to call him actually.

[4luv]

Well, I guess my husband's sad state didn't last too long. I checked his online profile on this little networking site (like an adult myspace but not facebook). He doesn't know that I can see his profile and looks like just today he updated his relationship status from nothing to now "single." I can't believe this...he is really a good actor. Wow!!!

[Allen A]

Your husband is in a very difficult situation that he chose to be in.

If I understand correclty, he is a father to both your child AND his affair partner.

Well. In my opinion he should be making visitation arrangements and support costs for his affair child, but NOT intereacting with OW at ALL. He should be finding an intermediary to handle all those arrangements, even if he has to pay for one.

THIS will leave him a LOT less stressed OUT and a LOT less confused about priorities.

He like many others having affairs views their marriage AND their affair on an equal footing - this does NOT help, it causes panic, and stress. Marriages are first and foremost in one's life. Father hood does NOT make one committed to an affair partner. He should have ended contact with her a LONG time ago.

Your problem 4luv is similar to mb28's. Your husband is stressed and confused, and has NO PRACTICAL GUIDANCE for living a good life... he's making all his decisions based on mood from the seat of his pants... having to make decisions based on impulse will in the long term just give him anxiety.

He needs a positive role model. You are a start to that, but he needs a GOOD therapist OR a GOOD FRIEND who will can set him straight. His driving all night thinking doens't help since his head is up his arse, its just making him ill. He needs to man-up, but he cant do that if there aren't any men around setting a good example for him.

IS there anyone you can get to speak with him?

The geurilla divorce busting video is a great start, but he needs a good friend to help him iron out the details... someone who can set him stragiht... my guess is he won't go to a family therapist...

You made the best choice you could be moving away from him until he gets his head straight... he's young and wasting a LOT of PRECIOUS TIME with his head up his a$$.

My advice is to get him some constructive role models if you can... friends of his that are open to you educating them about infidelity.. hopeing that they may gradually educate your H as well.

[jasper67]

I don't blame you in your disgust. My WAW recently changed her single FB status to "in a relationship" w/ OM.

I don't understand how they do what they do- I guess the fog or notion that the M is over already-

The way I see it, once the D is finalized, I no longer have the job of staying committed or loving my W as my W.

It's really sad that it takes 2, but it is a fact

[4luv]

thx allen and maynard...

This from allen really struck a chord with me:

"he's making all his decisions based on mood from the seat of his pants... having to make decisions based on impulse will in the long term just give him anxiety."

THIS DESCRIBES MY HUSBAND TO A TEE! I have been thinking of which of his friends I could talk to and have them talk to him. The really sad thing is that most of his friends that are married are not that great in their marriages either. I did think of one that could possibly talk to him but I am a little scared to approach him. Its weird talking to one of husband's friends about this because (1) they will most likely take husband's side because they are his friends and (2) I was taught to never involve people in your marriage. (hence why this board where no one knows me has been my only outlet besides my parents and my best friends). I have thought about talking to husband's uncle but have to come with EXACTLY what I will say to him. My husband is like mb28's husband in that he denies he is having an affair even though he confessed to me one time...he is now saying that he made it up (yea right...).

When I moved out husband commented that he needed to see a shrink. Should I help him find one? He is mostly interested in seeing a psychologist to deal with his issues...I was thinking that I could find a family therapist for him and hopefully the FT could also help husband deal with the infidelity/marriage as well as the issues husband would like to address.

[newmama]

4luv,

I think you are very strong to leave. During this time, you GAL, only communicate regarding S, go to IC and work on areas of weakness.

Are you doing anything legal, like drawing up a parenting plan, child support, etc? Are you willing to wait awhile?

Expect him to get closer to OW during this time....but he won't be getting his needs met by you.

[4luv]

thx newmama for your comment.

I realize that since I moved out on Sunday, husband and I have been talking too much and it hasn't been in regards to our son. I will change this TODAY. I was thinking about telling him but I think I will just make the point by doing it. Its not that hard for me as I really don't have a desire to contact him but it seems like I started it off ALL wrong after the move by needing a HUGE favor from husband regarding my job. Once I opened that door he seems to want to talk about how depressed he is and how stressed he is. At the same time he called to tell me how excited he was about the possibility of a new job. Then I called him excited about an opportunity that came to me in regards to my business. I guess I need to get used to sharing my news with someone else.

I am still debating going to my MIL 50th bday celebration. Should I go? Of course husband will be there and he sent me the evite. He is driving down on Saturday to be there so not sure what I should do. I was thinking of going but not staying the entire time and keeping my distance from husband but having fun with his family. I am very close with his entire family and MIL has been there for me during the entire past year when her son was not treating me right.

[newmama]

By the way, I don't think you should help your H find a shrink. You will be able to tell if he is really committed to wanting to improve/change if he does this himself.

As for visiting the MIL, I am not NC with my WH but have attended his family functions and have been glad that I did- they are happy to see me and our S and support me in all of this.

So although it might feel contradictory to be NC with him and go, you can always resume NC after. And who says you have to talk to him? (lol)

But I totally relate to it being so hard to not share news with him! My WH was my best friend, the first person I thought of to share everything with! As I know is the situation for all of us here, but still it is hard to stop doing that.