I will warn you about doing too much marriage counseling until the A is over and NC is in effect.
You want help coping with the current situation, but I strongly believe there is no hope for healing/repairing the marriage while the A is ongoing. If there is any type of contact, the A is ongoing. Maybe you should both attend the 1st session together and then each see her separately until NC is in place? It is good if you are all on the same page.
And Stop saying you are "sending" him! He is "going". Semantics matter!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Wow whatnow, I had NO IDEA a professional therapist would be so CALLOUS as to invite the oteher woman into therapy.. that's ridiculous.
YES! And she got the idea from Emily M Brown's book (a Textbook used in some training programs!) "Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment". Crazy stuff, and that is, for many therapists, their only exposure to the issue of infidelity.!!!
mb, this may be your ONLY chance at therapy. Many spouses will throw up their hands after the 1st session and say "See...I tried, I went to counseling and everything!"
Even if the therapist uses SBT, you need to know their perspective. What have they read and studied? What is the outcome for other couples they have treated for infidelity? Why do they think that is so?
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
EXACTLY... sorry mb28, but their website does NOT tell you who they are.. you need to MEET them... BEFORE your husband gets exposed to them... I can't stress how important this is...
Whatnow I don't know if I am completely on side in this case about too much counselling... I think it depends on the ROUTE the therapist takes. If the therapist focusses on HOPE for the marriage FIRST as I suggested, and educating the husband about infidelity VERY SOON AFTER THAT... and KEEPS on that road until No CONTACT is volunteered the therapy can be very beneficial.
The RISK is that a bad therapist will try to REPAIR the marriage WHILE an affair is going on... and THAT does NOT work, you are right about that...
So, as earlier stated, you need to know the ROUTE this person is gonig to take with your husband, if they are NOT going to give him HOPE and attack that AFFAIR FIRST then don't waste your husband's time on them...
THe more therapists you have to send him to, the less hope he will have for your marriage, you want to make EACH VISIT he GOES to COUNT... don't waste your husband's meagere visits on quacks!
Whatnow I don't know if I am completely on side in this case about too much counselling... I think it depends on the ROUTE the therapist takes. If the therapist focusses on HOPE for the marriage FIRST as I suggested, and educating the husband about infidelity VERY SOON AFTER THAT... and KEEPS on that road until No CONTACT is volunteered the therapy can be very beneficial.
That is what I was trying to say. Marriage counseling = repairing/healing the marriage vs. counseling that focuses on the here and now of the affair. Allen, your steps are excellent.
T
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Thanks again for all the advice. My H did go to 2 MC sessions with me, and at the 2nd one decided he wasn't coming back and that is the first he told me he was done. Since then he has had no desire to have IC and I have not pushed the issue. This was all him bringing up that maybe he needed to talk to someone. He stated that he wanted to talk to someone about ways to work through all of his anger so he can see things more clearly.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The anger is partially caused by infidelity... Spring, in After the Affair makes this comment :
Certainly while you are having the affair, and after its revealed you may feel more anger twoard your partner than guilt. That's because the two emotions are inversely related. The greater your anger, the less your guilt; the more venom you direct at your partner, the less you direct at yourself. The anger you experience may be legitimate response to the way your partner has treated you, or a defense against the guilt you feel for what you've done.
It is human nature to hate those whom you have injured (wrote Tacitus,, almost 2,000 years ago). What makes it hard to know the difference is that anger always feels justified -- its a basic characteristic of the emotion. 1.
1. Spring, After the Affair, pp 42 - 43.
I really wish people having affairs would read more... they would learn so much about their feelings... :P
Your husband doens't realise it, but his own actions are what is making his anger worse.
He may feel frustrated with the quality of his marriage, but his affair, and the guilt that comes with it, is just feeding that anger into a frenzy... and making him increaasingly emotionally and physically ill, as well as the family he has abaondoned.
The solution is clear, to someone who isn't this angry, but from his perspective, he can see nothing but his own self-induced rage.
I have to agree with AA, the wrong therapist may do more harm than good. If I was lucky enough to get to pick an IC for H, I would want to see them for myself and quiz them on their beliefs. I also recommend getting a male therapist. IME, it was too easy to discount our female MC's input -- he didn't see her as an authority figure. He needed an alpha male type (which is not that common among counselors).
I hope that your H's willingness to address his anger is a positive step in your M. I can't imagine what you are going through and send hugs.
PS: GAL????
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
They talked for 20 min on Friday, 60 min on Saturday, 10 min on Sunday, and all with my H calling her. Usually it has been the other way around with OW calling him. The exposure of the A on her side seems to have brought them closer together
I don't know how much more of this I can take!!!! He is still claiming that they are just friends to everyone else including me. I feel like such a fool with them talking like that and me still wanting to work on the M.
I did pretty good at GAL this weekend and had a ton of fun. But I have bday coming up this Thursday, and I'm not sure I'm up for celebrating. Sorry just a really depressing day.
Last edited by mb28; 02/23/1002:18 AM.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Hmmm... I am wondering how constructive monitoring his cell usage is for you...
I am thinking maybe it's not productive intel at this point, but a compulsive habit that draws you back into drama that you might do best to avoid...
I am still torn though, as it may be a useful measurement for you as well...
I will have to think on this... others may have comment as well...
If HE is going around telling everyone they are friends, YOU need to tell everyone otherwise... I can't imagine most people believe him anyhow... they very likley just nod and keep their thougts to themselves...
People aren't naive about these things... They know they are giong on, they are just not educated on what to DO about them
