My IC says I should not rush to pay down the debt as this will make it easier for her to leave.
Why do IC always believe everything that they hear?
I would do whatever YOU think is right. Don't worry that she is going to leave if you pay off your debt. I don't buy all of that anyway. This sounds somewhat like my W. I am surprised that she is not telling you that she is going to D you if you don't pay off the debt. Not if you do.
Thanks for your feedback Cat. This bonus thing is going to be a very big deal in the house. She knows it is comming and want to clear up as much debt as possible. She is not concerned about my needs at all, which I understand. The question that I will need to answer is how far do I want to go with this. She and I both know that historically I have been pretty damn selfish. Paying off the debt show that I am not but at the same time exposes me. In short, the question for me is am I in this for the long haul or not. I cannot continue to play both sides of the fence.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You decided that the day you decided to ask her to M you.
Yes you do need to decide that again, but you MUST remember….
Only one option can be changed if you feel differently tomorrow.
Something that helped me was a saying that I hope Mach or Trapt will post because I am way too tired at the moment to remember it as eloquently as it has been said. But they know it. So…….
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Eric, I did something similar 1 week ago with my wife. We are separated and she just rents a room and is having trouble paying for that and her other expenses. I had a little extra and during a R talk we had which was actually very good I gave her some money to help make her ends meet. There were no strings attached. The effect was immediate and she remembers.
If this was/is a marital complaint about you then you have the power to either do more of the same or show her you can be responsible with money. A word of advice, if you payoff a credit card, close it, do not give yourself or her the opportunity to put this run it back up again. I would caution about paying off assets such as cars, boats, home loans etc. anything with equity attached.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
This bonus thing is going to be a very big deal in the house. She knows it is comming and want to clear up as much debt as possible.
How about this.....
This bonus.....I remember reading it was a bonus from YOUR job ? Correct ?
Your income supports the household.
What if.....you would propose that you take your bonus and divide it three ways. Put it into three accounts, one for each of your children's education down the road....
That would take it out of your hands and her hands and put it toward the betterment of your childrens future.
The reality is, down the road, in two households, the money for the children's education would be significantly overlooked. This way, something is on place....
I wouldn't do it without having that conversation though....
You would have to find a balance in bringin that up, chances are though.....an MLCer can smell money from two states away.
And SHE will come lookin for you about it....
These relationship talks......they are all not bad....only the ones YOU initiate...
When your MLCer brings them up though.....you better shine through them .
Thanks ML - W was never a spender I was. Paying off the debt is the right thing to do but leaves me totally exposed. We are still in the house together and I see no signs of anything changing. I am standing for her but at the same time I struggle with ensuring that I am prepared for a future without her. I need to be able to find a place and furnish if for me and my children. In terms of paying off assets, the car that she drives is paid off in June. The Sept date would be 1 year from when this whole issues started. Based on last night convo where she reiterated that the M is over I feel like i need to protect myself but then again does that show a lack of faith. This is gonna be one tough question to answer.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Mach - trust me...she waiting for it. I will say this for her she is consistent. She has said all along that she wanted to pay down the debt and that is what we are both are working towards, although I have to say she is more focused on it than I am. This is going to be a very sensative subject to bring up without it being so obvious that I am protecting myself, which will give her the impression that I have throw in the towel or that I am being the old selfish Eric.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Also, we have always had one shared account during our marriage and both checks are directly deposited. She watches the accounts like a hawk now to ensure that not a dime is spent that she is not aware of. We have already argued about spending too much on groceries, etc. In her mind right now...everything should stop and we should just focus on paying down the bills. I on the other hand feel like I am paying down more of the debt which will benefit her more than I (although it will benefit me as well).
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
